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We were long-distance for a year, but I could bear it. Now he's taken another year without discussing it!

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Question - (30 July 2006) 1 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and had planned to be living together in November. We were best friends for 3 years but only spent 8 months as a couple before we were separated. He is now in South America and I am in the UK.

The year apart has been very difficult and the thought of being together eventually has got me through it. Now he has been given an opportunity at work which he took without talking it through with me (he said I would have changed his mind and he needs to take it) and will be staying where he is for another year. He wants us to stay together but I am so hurt and I don’t know if I can trust him to come back when he says he will. But I love him very much. Am I a fool if I stay with him when he has done this to me?

View related questions: at work, best friend, long distance

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (30 July 2006):

Bev Conolly agony auntIt's not the additional year that worries me so much -- people who love each other have been separated for far longer and been OK -- it's the lack of discussion with you because you might have "changed his mind".

It's true that he, ultimately, has to make the choice about his career, but if you're part of a couple, it's important to share this information with your partner, even when you know you're not going to agree with him or her.

What that says to me is that he isn't considering you an equal part of the relationship, and plans on doing whatever suits him, whether that's destructive to your lives together or not.

If you carry this through to a logical conclusion, I can see a lot of times ahead where he makes his decisions about what he does in your relationship without advising you until it's too late. You could find that you're half-owner of a yacht, or that the kids have changed schools, or that the household is filled with echidnas... all because he didn't want you to change his mind about something he wanted to do! That's a shortcoming that can break a relationship in no time at all.

As to what you do next, you think about whether your love for him is strong enough to overlook the fact that he'd disregard your opinions and act without regard to your feelings.

I think you need to tell him what you think about this matter and tell him how stunned you were to find out he'd made this big choice without discussing it. Listen to what he says about it, think about the implications for you two long term.

After that, you'll know whether it's "foolish" to have him in your life.

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