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Am I right to feel distant towards him for the way he treated me?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 November 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of almost two years came with me to visit my mother and brothers for Thanksgiving.

The first 3 days were great, he was sweet, he did not accuse me of anything or call me bad names. Then on the third night, he needed cash at an ATM so I drove him to one. We drove in the opposite way but it made me uncomfortable because it was not my car and if someone were to have come around the corner to use it the proper way, we would have been hit.

When a car came around the appropriate way, I backed out and drove around. His had not yet started the transaction. As we were driving around, he started with the "what are you, retarded? you stupid b*tch, why did you back out for some n*gger? you really are just a m*ther f*cking b*tch" and on and on and on. I became very quiet because he's been like that before and blames it on something that I have done.

We drove around and got his money, then I was blamed for him scratching his shoe as he walked out of the car to use the ATM because he did not want me to perform the transaction.

Driving home, he was asking me why I drove around (although I had told him) and would not stop, why did I turn around for some n*gger, why did I not let him start/finish the transaction, etc etc etc. I was shaking, and driving, so I was not answering. At an intersection, he put his hand on the steering wheel and honked the horn continuously and after 5 seconds and realizing that he had no intention of stopping, I pushed his arm away very hard because he was not moving it. In doing so, his watch caught on my jacket and the band came off, which resulted in calling me a stupid wh*re, stupid b*tch, and three very hard punches to my arm and shoulder until I had to stop the car in the middle of the street and scream for him to stop.

We sat in a parking lot for 10 minutes while he smoked his cigarette and I tried to regain composure so we could go back to my mother's house.

When we returned, he was sweet again to my family and when he tried to apologize to me, I told him not to touch me because this is not the first time it has happened. In being with my family, I had to put on a front that everything was fine and peachy.

When we went to bed he tried to have sex and I told him that he was crazy for thinking that he can treat me like that and I will sleep with him. To that, he responded that we were over and he couldn't wait to get home (we live together).

And yesterday he was sweet again, and upon trying to go to sleep, tries to touch me sexually and I froze because my head is so messed up. I can not get over him treating me like that - especially when we are with my family - and he tells me to get over it and to stop being dramatic because "it happened over a day ago"...

Should I be over the way he treated me, in less than a day? Am I allowed to be hurt inside for longer than that? What can make him realize the pain his words and actions cause?

Did I do anything wrong?

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

Right, here is where I knew you need to dump him. Second line in:

"The first 3 days were great, he was sweet, he did not accuse me of anything or call me bad names."

Do you really think that a guy is being super dooper extra NICE when he is lovely enough not to abuse you????

Seriously?

Accusing and name calling is not something you should take from a person in the street LET ALONE from a guy who is supposed to be your boyfriend.

Dump him and figure out why your self respect is so low it's none existent.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, jafran United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

OK first of all, he hit you. HE HIT YOU. Why is no one commenting on this? I have no idea. I don't know how it happened. I wasn't there, but you need to think about whether or not he is physically abusive. Has this happened before? Has he ever injured you? If he is, there isn't a reasonable excuse to stay with him.

Secondly, this guy is clearly verbally and emotionally abusive. No one has the right to treat you like that. He should have never said any of those things to begin with. That's not right.

As to your question: No. You shouldn't be over it in less than a day.You should be over it whenever the heck you want to be over it. You can be hurt for as long as you feel hurt. He has no right to tell you that you can't. Personally, I feel like if he was that concerned with your hurt, he would do something more than accuse you of being stupid for not being over it. Like maybe admit he was wrong, apologize, and demonstrate a sincere effort that change this kind of behavior. I, personally, wouldn't be over it until I saw those things happen and neither should you (but it's not my right to tell you when you should be over it either).

If he doesn't already know that his words and actions can cause pain, then I don't know what you can do. We all learned that in kindergarten. He should know that. If your demeanor shows that you are hurt and you tell him what he did that hurt you, he should understand that his actions and words are hurtful. But obviously he doesn't understand that because he thinks that you're just being a bitch and I don't think that you can change that about him.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. There is NOTHING you could have done EVER that would make it ok for him to do or say things like that. There isn't an axcuse even if you did do something. But as far as I can tell, you didn't.

Don't let him make you think that your feelings aren't valid because as far as I can tell, they are. The fact that he would do something that horrible in the first place is bad. The fact that he doesn't even see that it was wrong is MUCH worse. However, the WORST part is that he is trying to make you feel like it's somehow not ok for you to feel hurt or that you did something that gave him a good reason to do things like that to you. You didn't. The good enough reason to do that doesn't exist. Don't let him convince you that it does. Respect yourself enough to know when how you feel is valid and when you need to let things go.

Lolal is totally right "I have a feeling talking won't help. He wants you to get over it because he is over it. He doesn't feel he did anything wrong. You know he did."

I know you didn't ask, but I'm not even sure being in this relationship is worth it. He is wrong. You are right. Any sane rational person can see that. His actions aren't acceptable and this isn't the first time this has happened. I don't think he is going to change. Do you really think he is? And if he isn't going to change, this probably isn't the person you should be with. You deserve to be treated better than that.

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A female reader, Lola1 Canada +, writes (30 November 2009):

Lola1 agony auntI have a feeling talking won't help. He wants you to get over it because he is over it. He doesn't feel he did anything wrong. You know he did.

It is not for someone to tell us when to get over something. Only we can judge when enough time has passed that we can forgive.

You did not accept his apology because it has happened in the past. You knew it meant nothing. An apology where someone is bound to repeat the "offense" is empty.

What you need to ask yourself is what do you want to do now, knowing that this behaviour will not stop?

Good luck....

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A female reader, leahs United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

This is honestly pathetic you need 2 talk 2 him about it and tell him that if he carrys on then its over. but on the otherhand thats more easlyer said than done. he is looking 4 somebody 2 blame and he never blames himself. you really need 2 talk 2 him about this if not things could get worse. if you dont do it now trust me you never will. and you would of wish u said something from the start.

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