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Am I being hurtful to my ex by choosing to move away?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I feel like I'm being horrible making the decision to move away from my ex boyfriend and move nearly 70 miles away to live with my boyfriend of a year.

Basically when we were 16, my ex and I had a son. We were only together 4 months when I found out I was pregnant but both our families were fantastic when we told them and he is a brilliant dad and my son couldn't ask for more. We had been living at my parents house until they moved to be closer to my gran. We then moved into one of his uncle's rented houses for a discounted rate (We just paid the mortgage). We fell pregnant again but sadly I lost the baby when I was 18 weeks pregnant. It took me a long time to get over our lost and we grew apart. He moved out, but the rent agreement remained the same, and he paid half for me as he had moved into his parents again, he doesn't pay child support because of this, but he will help out whenever I need it. We share all everything regarding our son, we have even gone on holidays in the past together just us and our son. We are the best of friends really. When I met my current boyfriend, my ex was clear in his dislike for him as he has a bit of past. I ensured him that I wouldn't let anyone hurt our son and he appeared to accept this. Recently my boyfriend was offered a transfer which would be nearer my parents and family. It's more hours and financial he is better off. He has asked us to move with him, and he is really happy there. I asked my son if he would like to move near granny and granddad and he said yes. It's about an hour away in the car, so he could still see his dad regularly and he would be able to see all his cousins regularly which he misses whenever we come back from my family. My ex doesn't seem keen on the idea, and has asked me to reconsider because he says he'd never move away no matter how far it was. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask his permission but he is so good with us both, and in the past if I haven't been keen on his new girlfriends, he has always taken my view into account. I feel like I should listen to him but I also feel like I'm ready to move on. Our son is 9 now so he is aware of what moving away would mean.

My family think it would be great to move up there and his family are against it as much as he is.

My current boyfriend says if I really don't want to we could try make the distance work, or he would come back.

Obviously I'd have to find a new job, school etc but I just feel it's right.

But then I feel terrible for hurting my ex. What should I do? Please help me!

View related questions: cousin, move on, moved in, moved out, my ex, on holiday

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017):

I'd be more concerned about your son. If I were him, I'm not so sure I'd be thrilled with the prospect of my mother taking me away from the only life I've known just so she can go live with her new boyfriend.

Your son is very fortunate to have a father who is actively involved and easily accessible, most products of teenage pregnancies aren't so lucky.

By choosing to have sex as a sixteen-year-old with a guy you hardly knew, you made a decision having lifetime consequences. Your kid comes first, and by moving away you'd be in effect choosing a man over him.

The likelihood your boyfriend will still be your boyfriend five years from now is slim. Your son will always be your son. Think and act accordingly.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (13 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to look at a lot off aspects here. Asking your son if he wants to be near his grandparents is one thing, but did you ask him does he want to see daddy less?

It is difficult for you and you need to make the decision based on what is best for you and your son. If it is only an hours drive then I cannot see a huge problem with the distance. Surely you and your ex could work this for the sake off your child. Personally I would go so I am closer to my family and I would work out a plan where you and your ex still get joint custody.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntThis is a difficult situation, but you have to remember - he is not just YOUR son.

How often would his father get to see him? Would you expect him to come to you, or would you take your son to see his father? Your parents are not his only grandparents - his fathers parents have just as much love for your son.

Are you 100% sure of the relationship, because an upheaval, moving house, moving school, making new friends etc etc can have a huge impact on a child.

How long have you been with the new man? Is this boyfriend likely to remain a permanent fixture?

What would happen in the event of a relationship breakdown?

It may seem doom-mongering, but I think you need to have an honest conversation about the details of "what if" - as a grown up, you can pick up the pieces and start again if the shit hits the fan, but with a child, having to make new friends and form new social bonds it can be very difficult.

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