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*ndie's Thoughts agony aunt

*ndie's Thoughts

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I'm Andie and I'm surviving life until I can really start to live it :)

Karma does happen:

My dad was a married woman's other guy for only a few weeks (about a decade before my mum met him), then realised he wasn't okay with helping her betray her husband. His friend became her other guy, husband came home while they were at it, the guy jumped out of the window and the husband knew, so grabbed a bicycle, chased him and punched him once, going 20mph, so it knocked him out. A couple of relationships later, after getting £15,000 in debt to help a woman leave her abusive husband and getting in a relationship with her, my dad came back from a holiday with his parents and found her with another guy.

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Can cousins be romantically involved with each other? If so, what is the best way to go about it, including talking to our family about it?

Q.   My cousin and I grew up on the same street. Both of us are 35 years old, don't want kids and we share the same hobbies When we were teenagers, we used to sneak off to hold hands, make out and we only had sex once when we were 17 years old. When ...

A.   27 August 2020: Growing up together would put most people off. However, it’s up to you (and your local law) as to what your relationship can be. My main concern would be the potential family fall out if you had a nasty break up. You mutually broke up years ag... (read in full...)

How was I supposed to react to this situation?

Q.   We have a friend staying with us who is doing some carpentry for us (for pay), and this evening before dinner I said to the hot and dusty guy, "don't you want to take a shower before dinner?" he declined and I repeated, "are you sure? I can ask ...

A.   27 August 2020: I’m surprised he didn’t want to shower before dinner, but I’m not surprised he was bothered by being asked 5 times. Just leave it now and communicate with your wife to avoid unintentionally pestering him with the same question multiple times again.... (read in full...)

Family tradition of naming the first son 'John'

Q.   My daughter (29) is expecting her first child with her husband. They recently announced it's a boy. Apparently my son-in-law's family has a tradition of naming eldest sons the same name - let's just say it's John. So my son-in-law's father is John, ...

A.   10 August 2020: You can’t get involved, but you can be a sounding board for your daughter and reassure her that you will love her and their baby regardless of his name, that she is his mother and that is what matters most.... (read in full...)

Why does a wife blame a mistress for his affair, and let her husband off the hook?

Q.   I would like to know WHY it is that the wife vilifies the mistress when she finds out her husband cheated on her with the mistress for years? Why does she BLOCK the mistress on social media while taking her husband back and working on the marriage? ...

A.   5 August 2020: She will still blame him. She won’t trust him. She will feel betrayed for a very long time. That said, she’s married to him, not the mistress who decided to help wreck a marriage for 10 years. Both the husband and mistress have no compassion or ... (read in full...)

My lover and I have wild sex but now I see he's talking to his girlfriend again and wants her back!

Q.   So I've been hooking up with a guy for the past 6 months. We get together to have sex. I'm pretty crazy so the sex is wild. He's been enjoying it just as much as I have. He was with his girlfriend at the time and had a 7 year relationship, which I ...

A.   5 August 2020: In the nicest possible way: what on earth did you expect? You’re the sex on the side. You deliberately had sex with a guy who wasn’t single. Wild sex doesn’t mean he wants you. You give him some mild entertainment when he wants sex and he could ge... (read in full...)

I think I'm falling in love. Should I still go to Canada or stay here to see how this relationship develops?

Q.   So i decided i was moving to Canada last September and have since met a guy (February). i told him straight out i was moving away and he was only out of a very long relationship. We've been seeing each other a few times every week for the las...

A.   3 August 2020: Sorry to hear that. I’m sure life has better in store for you :)... (read in full...)

I'm pregnant and my b/f went to see his sister who tested positive for covid. Is it wrong of me to feel upset?

Q.   My fiancé went around his sister who has tested positive for covid. It makes me upset that he went around her te help her when she was having an anxiety attack I’ve never had one so I don’t personally know how they are but the fact that he went in ...

A.   3 August 2020: Sorry, OP; I totally get why you’d be concerned as a pregnant woman, but it does sound like you’re jealous too. Imagine if, God forbid, you got Coronavirus. Imagine the terror, panic, anxiety, trouble breathing, exhaustion, etc. Now multiply... (read in full...)

I'm pregnant and my b/f went to see his sister who tested positive for covid. Is it wrong of me to feel upset?

Q.   My fiancé went around his sister who has tested positive for covid. It makes me upset that he went around her te help her when she was having an anxiety attack I’ve never had one so I don’t personally know how they are but the fact that he went in ...

A.   3 August 2020: Sorry, OP; I totally get why you’d be concerned as a pregnant woman, but it does sound like you’re jealous too. Imagine if, God forbid, you got Coronavirus. Imagine the terror, panic, anxiety, trouble breathing, exhaustion, etc. Now multiply... (read in full...)

My wife's 50th birthday is coming up and I want a divorce

Q.   My wife's 50th birthday is coming up and she wants something special to celebrate it. With the COVID-19 restrictions and all that entails that would prove to be tough anyway, but the reality is that I want a divorce. We have been fighting like ...

A.   3 August 2020: I have to wonder what has been so awful that part of you wants to ruin her milestone birthday? What unreasonable demands is she making? What are you both fighting about? It’s rarely one-sides, OP. It would be good to reflect on what you are ... (read in full...)

I'm 17 a virgin, he's 43 married and wants to have sex with me

Q.   Hi, Im 17 and Ive recently come into contact with a 43 year old man who wants to have sex with me. He's married and Im a virgin. I want to have sex with him but Im worried it's illegal and I'm worried about what people might say if I tell them I l...

A.   4 July 2020: Hey Lovely, This is not the way you want your first time to be. Imagine it was your daughter, for a second. Would you be happy she had sex with a married man? Or a man so much older? No. You’d be concerned about how sensible and responsi... (read in full...)

Scary embarrassing sleep disorder might ruin my relationship

Q.   I have a bit of a problem. The worst first. Sophomore year I KNOW there is something wrong with me. I do what every guy does but it's once day in the shower done and over with. I'm quiet so I'm pretty sure parents aren't aware. Still, a few times a ...

A.   27 June 2020: I’m sorry you are dealing with this. If you trust her enough to share a room and be romantically or sexually involved, you should trust her enough to tell her about this. That said, it would be wise to sleep in separate rooms anyway. It could be... (read in full...)

I'm 17 and have no breasts!

Q.   I am 17 and have literally no breasts!!!! Most of the boys and girls who I'm friends with mock me about it and I'm the only one in my friend group who doesn't have a boyfriend. All my friend are like D cups or C cups and I'm barely an A cup. What ...

A.   15 May 2020: I had the opposite problem at your age, and still do almost 8 years later. I’ve had a J-L cup size for a very long time and it has been extremely distressing. I truly would rather have your size because with my size (and usually any size over a ... (read in full...)

Does my boyfriend still love his ex?

Q.   I’ve been with the guy of my dreams for almost a year now and he goes above and beyond for me most of the time. Before me he was with this girl that he absolutely doted on for 7 years and was in a bad way when they finished Apparently. The the ...

A.   12 May 2020: It’s possible you’re right, but he was likely a part of that family (in some sense) for 7 years and not everyone then ditches them or has little contact after that. Moving on doesn’t always mean letting go of everyone, including the family you ... (read in full...)

Is normal for my boyfriend to bath and shower with his six year old son

Q.   Is normal for my boyfriend to bath and shower with his six year old son. He also, sleeps naked and allows his son to see him naked is this normal. Or red flags to where I should be concerned and running away from this man. I don’t have children. ...

A.   11 May 2020: I don’t find it particularly concerning. I saw my mum naked occasionally while I was growing up and, if anything, it made me feel more able to ask questions about if something was normal or something to see the doctor about. I didn’t see my dad ... (read in full...)

Am I still a virgin if we didn't actually have sex

Q.   Me and this guy were just hanging out and we start making out he tells me if I’ve ever had sex and I say no so he says he’s just going to put the tip in he try’s and I told him to stop he tries again and it hurt even more so I said no he said he got ...

A.   7 May 2020: He sexually assaulted you. You have no blame in that. You do need to avoid being alone with boys when you are not ready to have sex, but that does NOT mean you asked for or allowed him to assault you. He may not even realise he assaulted you, but he ... (read in full...)

I don't think I should be his go to person every time he needs something

Q.   My story is as old as world. Here it goes: I am in my 40s, moderately comfortable financially , love to travel . One day decided to go to Africa and met a guy. My age, divorced , bringing up his small son. And taking care of couple relative...

A.   27 April 2020: OP, you’re being used. No self-respecting person (from any country) sponges off of someone else! You set yourself up for this and I’m wondering if you’ve posted before? We strongly advise against giving anyone money, whether they’re in another ... (read in full...)

I never told my husband that I had an abortion. I am afraid he'll divorce me if he finds out

Q.   I did not tell my husband that I was pregnant and I had an abortion behind his back. I am now very scared to tell him. I think he will divorce me and I am very worried. Does anybody has advice on how I can save my marriage. It was partly a health ...

A.   27 April 2020: If I’m honest, and I very rarely say this, it may be best not to tell him. An abortion is before the foetus is a human baby, so it’s not like you got rid of a baby that you already had. However, if your husband/culture believes in that over the... (read in full...)

Things have changed since the baby came along. I'm not sure I want to be with my partner anymore

Q.   Ever since myself and my partner had our baby boy (10 months ago) our relationship hasn't been the same. Many people told us to make sure we still went on date nights, still made time for each other and not to let go of our relationship but in all ...

A.   23 April 2020: I’m sorry, OP. It’s a really tough spot to be in. Unfortunately, because you’re not married, he has little legal responsibility to help support you in a break up, other than child support. I think you need to consider saving up to move out. Eas... (read in full...)

My father moved on very quickly after my mother died and I don't like his partner

Q.   Dear Cupid. So my mother passed away almost a year and a half ago, (November 2018) I’m an only child and still very hurt over it for reasons. 4 months after my mother moved out of the family home in 2016 he met a woman and she moved in quit qu...

A.   31 March 2020: I’m sorry you’re hurting and I’m sorry for your loss. I have a few comments: • he’s an adult and getting engaged less than year after your mother died will hurt, but they weren’t even a couple when she passed • have a chat with your dad about ... (read in full...)

I'm considering what I want for my wedding considering everything going on in the world

Q.   Hello, Where to start? As we all know the world is in the middle of a crisis pandemic. It has really made me reconsider how much money we're spending on our wedding in 2022. We've only booked the hotel but this alone is £7000. This crisis has...

A.   31 March 2020: Speak to your fiancée and get their opinion. Personally, I’d take the £500 hit if I could save £6,500! That said, I don’t want an extravagant wedding, so maybe that’s partly why I’d be happy to get the money back and do a smaller service. Wedd... (read in full...)

My girlfriend's health worries me. Should I break up with her?

Q.   Been dating a woman 10 years younger than me for almost 9 months. We are in love but her health really concerns me. I have a job which requires me to maintain my fitness and I work out several times a week. My girlfriend is overweight (not an ...

A.   25 March 2020: 9 months is pretty early to be thinking about babies, especially before you’ve mentioned marriage to us. There’s no rush; you’re both pretty young - particularly her. Depending on her lifestyle, her weight may not be an issue - lots of people o... (read in full...)

What is everyone doing with their free time being cooped up?

Q.   Hello again! I've posted several times and everyone's been very helpful and empathetic. Thank you! I hope all you aunts and uncles are safe and healthy (and your loved ones too)! I'm under the impression that at least one of the aunts here is ...

A.   25 March 2020: You seem to have an addictive personality, so set a budget and stick to it. Also go for walks by yourself. I’m from the UK and we went into lockdown a couple of days ago, so going out by yourself has been encouraged, provided you stay away from ... (read in full...)

I apologised but customer wants me fired.

Q.   So I work in fast food and our drive-through is open. I work as a cashier and drive-through. I don't know how to make food here as I've only been here seven months. Anyway, I accidentally misgendered a customer and now he/she won't stop at anything ...

A.   22 March 2020: I’m sorry you’re facing this. Most people aren’t that aggressive about being misgendered by accident, whether they’re transgender or not. They may be trans or just ambiguous - plenty of cis women look masculine and plenty of cis men look feminine. ... (read in full...)

How do I tell my girlfriend I bought myself a sex toy?

Q.   Hello all! Call me "S" please! I tried typing this up once but it got lost by mistake so I'll make this a bit more condensed and can elaborate if you have questions about anything. I bought myself a prostate massager toy with a wireless r...

A.   20 March 2020: Lots of men of all sexualities enjoy prostate stimulation, as it’s similar to a woman’s g-spot. It is a shame that there’s often stigma about it, though. If you have a healthy sex life, that means you’re able to discuss sex too. Maybe look onl... (read in full...)

Wife asked best friend to help me recuperate at home. I enjoyed being naked in her care

Q.   I came home from the hospital and needed help with bathing and dressing. My wife needed to work so her best friend Sue offered to help me shower and dress. . My wife agreed so Sue came and helped ungress and shower. She was professional about it...

A.   20 March 2020: It’s fine, as long as you stop thinking about it now and work on your marriage with your wife. Maybe you should shower with her, so you can enjoy and think about that instead of her friend.... (read in full...)

Things have gotten rough since we had the baby. How do I save us?

Q.   I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years and 9 months ago we had our first child. Since our little boy has arrived we’ve argued more than we have in the 6.5 years we’ve been together. I knew it would be hard and challenging but I didn’t ...

A.   17 March 2020: I have PTSD from a dad who dealt with anger like this. I’ve been to therapists and they all defined it as abuse because it was terrifying to be around. It is abusive behaviour unless you’re perfectly comfortable with explosive anger in the house. If ... (read in full...)

Things have gotten rough since we had the baby. How do I save us?

Q.   I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years and 9 months ago we had our first child. Since our little boy has arrived we’ve argued more than we have in the 6.5 years we’ve been together. I knew it would be hard and challenging but I didn’t ...

A.   17 March 2020: If someone’s explosive anger scares you, it can be emotionally abusive. If you’re both volatile, then that’s up to you and it’s how you both deal with it. I’m mid-psychology degree and have seen the damage this behaviour does. Abuse isn’t always ... (read in full...)

How would I go about finding a lady to help me dress up?

Q.   as a boy I was fond of silky dresses my mother wore. when I was 6 I dressed up in them and also my two sisters clothing.i loved the feel of smooth fabrics. I wore my sisters school knickers and the feelings as I pulled them up.as an elderly man I ...

A.   17 March 2020: I’m sorry, but I’m not sure there is a way through this, while staying in your marriage. It’s not an uncommon fantasy, but it’s not spoken about often due to stigma. Perhaps find men’s silk clothes and masturbate by yourself. That may be the closest ... (read in full...)

Things have gotten rough since we had the baby. How do I save us?

Q.   I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years and 9 months ago we had our first child. Since our little boy has arrived we’ve argued more than we have in the 6.5 years we’ve been together. I knew it would be hard and challenging but I didn’t ...

A.   15 March 2020: Abuse can be emotional, it isn’t just the threat of physical violence.... (read in full...)

Things have gotten rough since we had the baby. How do I save us?

Q.   I’ve been with my partner for 6 and a half years and 9 months ago we had our first child. Since our little boy has arrived we’ve argued more than we have in the 6.5 years we’ve been together. I knew it would be hard and challenging but I didn’t ...

A.   14 March 2020: Speak to Citizens Advice Bureau and ask your partner to get therapy for his anger management. If he won’t, you’ll end up in an abusive situation, if you aren’t already. It seems he isn’t prepared for what being a parent entails and that’s a concern.... (read in full...)

I am crushing on my married doctor. I want to tell her my feelings

Q.   I have a crush on female doctor (she is married lady) I don't know when I see her I really feel to talk to her more and more (she is already married I don't know what to do know). Can I reveal this to her directly?. Help me....

A.   12 March 2020: No. She’s married. Leave her alone and find a new doctor. Also, you don’t KNOW her. You only see her when you go to the doctor. That’s not a crush or love, just that you like how she looks. Don’t reveal feelings to married women. Leave the... (read in full...)

My daughter needs help with low self esteem

Q.   Dear Cupid Reader I am really concerned about my daughter who is ten years in age. She lives with her dad at quite some distance from my home address and has done so since the age of six (this is due to deep mental health issues on my part). ...

A.   10 March 2020: Your daughter needs to see a doctor and possibly a therapist. This kind of emotional self-sabotage needs to be dealt with professionally and she needs to be given the tools to handle these thoughts. There’s not much you can do from where you are,... (read in full...)

How can I get my insecure and paranoid mistress to trust me after almost 10 years together?

Q.   No harsh judgments. I am only looking for advice here. I am a married man having a relationship with another woman for close to 10 years. It's no longer an affair per se. We've grown to love each other yet I cannot leave my wife. I find ...

A.   8 March 2020: You’re not a nice guy or a trustworthy guy, or a caring guy, or a loving guy, etc. The list is endless. You’re none of these good things. You are a liar and a cheater. She will never trust you because you can’t be trusted. I feel sorry for your... (read in full...)

How can I make up for the past?

Q.   I'm in recovery from drugs (including alcohol but mostly crack) and while some of my wreckage is fixable (legal stuff, financial stuff), I don't know how to fix some of the truly unforgettable things I've done. (1) My youngest sister M.J. and ...

A.   7 March 2020: Add: well done for coming this far. Stay with it :)... (read in full...)

How can I make up for the past?

Q.   I'm in recovery from drugs (including alcohol but mostly crack) and while some of my wreckage is fixable (legal stuff, financial stuff), I don't know how to fix some of the truly unforgettable things I've done. (1) My youngest sister M.J. and ...

A.   7 March 2020: Be patient. Those are some deep betrayals, even if they stemmed from addiction. All you can do is stay sober and keep trying to make up for it, unless they tell you to stop.... (read in full...)

How do I tell my daughter’s father I’m seeing someone new?

Q.   I have been separated from my daughters father for just under a year, we are still good friends but I think there are still some underlying feelings on his part. Recently I've started seeing someone new, I live in a small town where everyone k...

A.   7 March 2020: It’s really considerate to give him a heads up, especially since he’s the father of your child. I wouldn’t text him out of the blue with it; I’d start a conversation first, then gently mention that you’re going to start dating soon. Reassur... (read in full...)

8 years of being a stay at home mom. I want to work hubby doesn't want me to. I think I want out

Q.   Hi, I’m hoping I can get a little advice here, I’m feeling slightly .. lost? Here’s a little background I hope it doesn’t bore you. Me and my partner have been together now for nearly 9 years, we have 3 beautiful children together. When I firs...

A.   7 March 2020: I think some of the comments may have forgotten that controlling behaviour is abuse. Abuse often becomes physical when you try to break out of their control. Please be safe when you do any of this and do NOT do it alone. You may be convinced he'd ... (read in full...)

8 years of being a stay at home mom. I want to work hubby doesn't want me to. I think I want out

Q.   Hi, I’m hoping I can get a little advice here, I’m feeling slightly .. lost? Here’s a little background I hope it doesn’t bore you. Me and my partner have been together now for nearly 9 years, we have 3 beautiful children together. When I firs...

A.   4 March 2020: He’s been abusive - intentionally or not. He’s controlled and manipulated you, so that you’re isolated and dependent on him. Please seek advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau, as you are in a very vulnerable position. You DESERVE a job. You DESE... (read in full...)

I feel disrespected because we make plans and his son changes them

Q.   Hello everyone I’m reaching out for help as I’m very frustrated. I’m 40 my boyfriend is 42 both divorced and has a kid, same age 12 years old. We have been in a relationship for a year and kids get along well and once in a while we plan for them to ...

A.   4 March 2020: I think you need to consider that two wildly different parenting styles will clash, not mix well. If this is how he chooses to raise his son, that’s fine, but if you two move in at some point, your children will not feel happy being treated so ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend called me a bigot. What do I do about it?

Q.   My boyfriend and I got into a fight. He was doing repair work yesterday on a ceiling in a building where his card club operates out of. There were two other men working with him. All of them volunteered their time. I got angry because he didn't call ...

A.   3 March 2020: You are bigoted. Most gay gays, like most straight people, are not so promiscuous that they proposition any random person. You shouldn’t even know he isn’t gay, unless he has a partner that has been mentioned - his sexuality is none of your ... (read in full...)

I feel disrespected because we make plans and his son changes them

Q.   Hello everyone I’m reaching out for help as I’m very frustrated. I’m 40 my boyfriend is 42 both divorced and has a kid, same age 12 years old. We have been in a relationship for a year and kids get along well and once in a while we plan for them to ...

A.   1 March 2020: I agree wholeheartedly with Youcannotbeserious. These are *children*. You presumably have custody of yours and he presumably doesn’t. If that is right, of course his son comes first every time because he doesn’t get much time with his dad. Your... (read in full...)

I think I'm falling in love. Should I still go to Canada or stay here to see how this relationship develops?

Q.   So i decided i was moving to Canada last September and have since met a guy (February). i told him straight out i was moving away and he was only out of a very long relationship. We've been seeing each other a few times every week for the las...

A.   15 June 2016: I'd say stay, but you really haven't known him very long and you don't want to miss out on furthering your future. Why not try long distance, if he's interested in you? You don't *have* to miss out on both.... (read in full...)

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