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Dear Cupid > Forums > Site Feedback > Not trying to sound like a jerk!

Not trying to sound like a jerk!

stina, posted over a year ago

Hi guys,

This is more for the mods than anything, but I've noticed some pretty unhelpful answers getting approved recently. I think we sort of need to remember that we should only approve answers that are helpful to the question asker.

For example:

On this post (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-likes-me-a-lot-but-i-am.html): "hay hun, i do understand what ur saying but you can neva know untill you give him a chance as u say u've been up and down in relation ships... ull neva know till u give him a try!"

I really don't see how that's helping the question asker at all. Perhaps if it had more detail, then it would be better. I think that the question asker could have come up with that "advice" on her own. Do you see what I mean?

Also one that caught my attention was on this post (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-a-born-again-christian-and-an-aethiest.html). There's a piece of "advice" by DearCupidReader. All it is is preaching to the question asker and quoting the bible. There's no help in that person's answer at all. I don't really see why this was approved.

Maybe we could all just be a little more careful when it comes to approving answers (and even some questions). I think it would be beneficial to go and read the questions before posting something, too.

Again, I'm not trying to be a jerk! I just wanted to get my thoughts out to everyone. ^_^

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 13:5 (London time) - permalink
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dragonette, posted over a year ago

I'm not a mod, but I do agree with what you're saying. And at least to me, you don't come across as a jerk at all.

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 13:23 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hi Stina

I am not a mod and definitely don't think you are a jerk.But I don't think that question On that post should be discredited.

(http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-likes-me-a-lot-but-i-am.html): "hay hun, i do understand what ur saying but you can neva know untill you give him a chance as u say u've been up and down in relation ships... ull neva know till u give him a try!"

The person is showing empathy which sometimes helps when you are in a crisis.

Again the preacher was pointing out his/her belief.Its good to have a variety of answers even if quoted.Maybe to you the preachers answer was not helpful,but to the poster one word could trigger the answer.

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 14:30 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Hi,

I think what we do need to remember is that there will always be a varied array of opinions.

Whilst it doesnt seem helpful to one person, the advice given, or an agreeing statement or non agreeing statement, may infact be helpful to the question asker. Not in all circumstances granted.. and some answers approved are just way out there.

I always think there is going to be a degree of people not agreeing, but at least it does give you a bigger scope of opinion.

I agree that care needs to be taken when approving answers and I often do read the questions before deciding to approve or not as you get a better feel for what the poster is trying to say.

What I think does sometimes happen is that people read the first one or two lines and then decide the answer is good, not realsing it went a bit squiffy or attacking later in the post...

But sometimes people are just seeking a go get em answer straight to the point and a confidence booster. They often come here not so much for advice but a feel for what others think would be the right path, and to see peoples views from similar experiences.

But in the main I do agree care should be taken to read the posts in thier in entirety.

:o)

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 14:30 (London time) - permalink
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stina, posted over a year ago

Hey Wendy,

I totally agree about making sure to have varied opinions. I never show bias when I approve an answer.

For example, I'll use the Atheist and Christian marriage post again. There was an answer by an anonymous reader (#100063) that I approved. Although our views on the subject differ, I approved it because there were details and substance to the post. I think it's valuable for someone to hear opinions from all over the board so that people can form their own opinions with the help of others' experiences or thoughts of others. I'm totally with you on that! ^_^

"What I think does sometimes happen is that people read the first one or two lines and then decide the answer is good, not realsing it went a bit squiffy or attacking later in the post..." Yeah, I've seen that, too. I always make sure to click on the answers and read them in full before approving. If the last chunk is just insulting the person "how could you f***ing do that you stupid f***!? you should die!! OMG!!1!!1" then I'll take it out. lol But that's only when it's very extreme.

But yeah - I think varied opinions are great as long as they have substance and actually have some sort of advice. That's the great thing about this website! ^_^

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 14:52 (London time) - permalink
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stina, posted over a year ago

Ariel (I didn't see your response before!) I guess we just have different views on posts like the "...ull neva know" blurb. I don't know - I just kinda view that as common sense. I'd think it's be better if the response was elaborated with some sort of details instead of a generalized thought that could be applied to almost any situation, relationship-wise or not. Empathy could be included in something with more advice, in my opinion.

"Again the preacher was pointing out his/her belief.Its good to have a variety of answers" I think it's fine to point out people's own beliefs, but that person didn't have any advice in her answer at all. All she said was to repent, etc etc when the question asker clearly stated he was atheist. This person was doing the exact thing the question asker's girlfriend is doing to him. Do you see what I mean? All the guy was asking was if a religion and non-religious marriage could work. I don't think bible quotes were necessary in answering this question, especially when the poster doesn't believe in the bible. heh I think it was a bit uncalled for and unwanted.

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 14:59 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

I agree Stina, But I do still think the post from Dearcupidreader, most likely did deserve to be given an airing.... Rightly or wrongly perhaps the question asker might have liked to have read it... It wasnt attacking, or directly vindictive and they probably were thinking they were helping.

I think we do sometimes expect too much in the advice that some others do leave... when I say that... The likes of you or I and alot of the more what I would say are advanced Aunts, would in general give a more detailed and thorough repsonse...

A younger person or somebody less able to flower words and so on may still want to say their bit, and think they are helping by putting their ten cents in with a couple of lines, and they may well be helping, as alot that ask for advice are sometimes really just asking... should I or Shouldnt I...

I think we do sometimes just have to grin and bare it...

I do generally think that unless the answer is attacking, rude, vile, looking for an argument, or spelt very badly, should be given a fair hearing.

:o)

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 15:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I see where you are coming from Stina,but the preacher was trying to convert him Ha!! as if he/se would have much luck,the guy does not believe in Satan/God,trying to get him to see that its wrong to marry a non believer or go out with one,trying to make him shake in his boots,by saying only God can cleanse you repent...absolute tosh,but then thats my opinion.

I just think that answer provoked lots of other answers between atheists and christians.:)

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 15:28 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

If you are aware of what you believe and have conviction, having another declare their belief should not offend. Yet it does, why is this?

It is a choice to be offended and take it as I disagree with this and I think it inappropriate-what is left is this person has a different opinion/belief from me and they are not attacking me, I am not going to personalize this.

For some, they respond if they feel inspired and this happens regardless of faith, spirituality, religion.

These three words mean something completely different to me BTW.

We are all entitled to our beliefs. I do not see it as infringing but I do understand what you are saying.

I disagree with the swearing at someone. We all have our this is where I draw the line but again, not all will read it and say hmmm...unnecessary.

The thing I have come to know about this site is that there are alot of people who have bad days, who say hurtful things, who feel the need to attack another for reasons that are beyond our understanding.

There are also those who can maintain a perspective and who do not feel the need to attack another, point out and disect what they don't like about another's post, who can just state what they will and be purposeful.

WE all get to disagree or agree if a post is purposeful but then we need to also realize is it necessary to say anything in response to a post we personally find disfavourable?

There are many Aunts and Uncles who can temper such threads and this is a gift I admire in them. That they can go through all the mess and offer insight and calm tempers, egoes, feelings.

I think overall-it is necessary to have all posts in that it is the world-reality is injected more into this site-flaws and all and that is the beauty of it.

Sensorship can only be used before it undoes the whole purpose of this site.

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 16:14 (London time) - permalink
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stina, posted over a year ago

Okay, okay - so I only used that religious post as one example. I'm not trying to focus on that. It seems like that's what this has turned into - just discussing that one post; I'm not trying to make this post about relgion or anything else that's specific. I just provided examples to demonstrate what I'm saying in a general sense. Please keep in mind that I'm talking about the bigger picture, though! ^_^

I'm just saying as a whole I think mods should be a little bit more careful when they approve answers so that it actually addresses the question. If someone wants to write about something else instead of offer any advice to the question asker whatesoever or give out obvious statements with no details, then there is always the forums. I don't see anything wrong with not approving answers that are not helpful or that are posted to be more of a discussion than anything else.

And I'm sorry if a 13 year old feels frumpy because his/her voice wasn't heard. But if it doesn't help the person, then it shouldn't be approved. I know that I have posted questions here and got excited that someone was trying to help, only to read something like "you'll feel better soon. just try to do other things and have fun." That is no help, at least in my opinion. I came here looking for help, not to read answers from a 13 year old who would have a fit if his/her answer wasn't approved. Do you know what I mean? I think quality should be as important as quantity - that's the point of me writing all of this. ^_^

Then again, I am known as being a really sensitive person. I'm always looking out for people and making sure that they are happy. I just don't want people to feel let down or get even more frustrated with any answers they read here. I want them to actually get help for what they post about, you know? (I'm sure all of you feel the same way, too!) I don't want someone's thread to be hijacked so they don't get an answer because people are busy debating relgion, abortion, porn, etc etc. Everyone's always going to have something to say about such sensitive topics, but a person's thread is not the place to discuss this...unless the question asker invites that sort of conversation. This is how trolling gets started...and anti-martinis turn threads into nothing but a bunch of silly debates (silly because they have no place on the thread). Do you understand what I mean?

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 16:34 (London time) - permalink
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dragonette, posted over a year ago

Well, if we're looking for good examples of less helpful answers, how about the answer to http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-mum-is-stressing-me-out-i-cant.html ?

The person wrote "I can help you. Please send me an massege.Dont't think more" and not only is it not a very detailed answer, but she probably won't be able to send him/her a message as it was posted anonymously.

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 16:56 (London time) - permalink
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stina, posted over a year ago

That's a perfect example of one of the answers I'm talking about, dragonette! Yes, those! How do those look like good answers to some mods? Maybe it was a mistake that it was approved, but I've seen a bunch of answers like that get approved... (I also know that most of them are trashed, but I think we need to be more careful, like I stated before). ^_^

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 17:3 (London time) - permalink
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katzkitten, posted over a year ago

im not a mod but i would just like to say that it is even more annoying when people post sarcastic remarks to questions. if someone is upset and needs help the last thing they want in mocking! also it is annoying when people argue in the thing. when they dont agree with eachother. I no this sounds like i am ranting but hopefully someone will see where i am coming from. xxx

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 20:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hi everyone,

While I totally understand all the concerns about moderators, I do feel we have to remember a lot of us are as diverse and individual as the answers we approve and disapprove. It's a huge task and mistakes/oversights do happen. All moderator's are volunteering their own free time to helping two parties: those who are in need of help and those who are trying to help them. I think moderators should always keep in mind, the will and desire of the person whom others are trying to help. So yes, it is correct to say-the first and foremost priority of the moderator when is deciding with their own sensibilities and integrity, which answers should be approved or disapproved. But..what I may feel is not a helpful answer, other moderators may have a differing opinion. And we know it's impossible to moderate the individual thoughts and actions of each and every moderator. . So about the moderating answers, I can only speak for myself. I do disapprove answers that are:

1) when there is verbally abusive words to the questioner and/or other Aunt's.

2) or when a lot of unnecessary profanity is used

3) or when someone's e-mails are posted in the answer

4) or when answers are telling the questioner to do something that is irresponsible and harmful to themselves or others.

5) or when an answer is in chat speak or the the grammer is so bad no one can made nor tails of it

We are all trying our best to ensure that everyone's opinions are respected and posted. I do approve answers that "may not seem helpful based on what others think", but it may offer offer support/encouragement to the questioner. I take into consideration as Wendyg stated, how some people offer good insights but perhaps, not in big and flowery words. I have seen some wonderful advice from young folks (adolescents) and have been very impressed with the compassion and maturity. I have seen just plain rude, foolish answers from adult people, old enough to know better. We get all kinds of answers, don't we!

All I want to say to all the moderators...great job and kudos to all of you for giving of your spare time to getting the job done. It's a tough, tough job sometimes, when you view questions and answers that are edging on the boundaries of whether it should be approved or disapproved. I think we just have to keep using common sense and when reading some answers, just say to ourselves. Will this answer truly help the questioner? We can't say for sure if it will. But should one slip by us...don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep doing your best.

Irish xx

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 20:19 (London time) - permalink
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DearCupid, posted over a year ago

As Irish says the mods do a great job and the site just keeps getting busier so there is a learning curve when new mods come online.

I'm working on a system so that it's easier for the mods to get visibility of how they compare to other mods in terms of number of questions/answers rejected - this should help keep quality high for everyone.

Hang in there I'm working on it... and thanks to all the mods who volunteer their time it is massively appreciated by everyone who uses the site.

Andrew

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 20:28 (London time) - permalink
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vina_101, posted over a year ago

I agree with everything that has been said, and I'd like to think that I haven't approved any of the unhelpful answers of which you speak. But in regards to the advice given by 13 year olds etc...we must be sympathetic and unserstanding. Please don't forget that they are young and therefore may not be worldly wise yet so their advice is sometimes limited and may not be worded in the way that most of us on here would (vocabulary and so forth).

An example is the text talk and also the very general vague advice that that age group of agony aunts sometimes give. But we must be understanding. I'm not saying to approve it if it is not helpful or unintelligible (sp) but just remember their age. They can give advice too just like any of us older agony aunts, thats the good thing about this site. Advice from people of all ages. :)

And no Stina. You don't sound like a jerk at all! :P If something isn't right, speak up. xxx

Posted on 22 February 2007 @ 20:48 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

everything should be taken into account for. Yes maybe some advice should be discredited because of the lack of concern put in the opinion. But ones opinions should always concern the question asker on this site that's the way I see it. If your response is solely on a selfish thought it would be best to keep it to yourself as this is a site of help and not criticism.

Posted on 23 February 2007 @ 5:14 (London time) - permalink
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