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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Knock knock

Knock knock

eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Knock, knock

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 17:59 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Who's there?

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 18:32 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I eat mop

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 18:35 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Clevah girl!

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 18:43 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Knock knock

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 18:50 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Whooooo's theeeee-ere?

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 19:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Yeah

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 20:35 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Yahoo?

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 20:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Easy there Cowboy

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 20:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

knock knock

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 20:47 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Whoa's there?

Posted on 15 May 2013 @ 23:42 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tom Sawyer

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 11:0 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Tom Sawyer who?

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 12:14 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I heard Tom Sawyer saw your underwear

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 12:56 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

damn it, it's just too dang early....

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 12:58 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

okay let's try this one:

Knock knock

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 12:59 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

hehe

Who's there?

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 16:8 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Jesse

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 16:29 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

and quit laughing, telling knock knocks jokes is hard, really hard

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 16:30 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

okay I'm about to leave on vacation, one of my daughters and crew are coming to the beach and hopefully the beach house has internet so I can keep track of all you weirdos.

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 21:45 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Jesse who?

(have a great holiday!)

Posted on 16 May 2013 @ 23:30 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Jess me and my shadow

Posted on 17 May 2013 @ 14:22 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Posted on 19 May 2013 @ 1:54 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Because there was a cover charge?

Posted on 20 May 2013 @ 5:44 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Having an awesome time in Topsail Island, water's a tad cold but I'm having a great vac...bungi boards at 61 I better not break a hipccc

Posted on 20 May 2013 @ 5:49 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tee meany martoni's

Posted on 20 May 2013 @ 5:51 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Sounds like a great combo, bungie cords and martinis! Whee!

The mermaid wore seashells because the B-shells were too small!

Posted on 20 May 2013 @ 12:31 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Knock knock

Posted on 22 May 2013 @ 20:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Who's there?

Posted on 23 May 2013 @ 13:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Cash!

Posted on 23 May 2013 @ 14:22 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Cashwho? ;)

Posted on 23 May 2013 @ 19:39 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

No, thank you, I like pistachios. :)

Posted on 23 May 2013 @ 20:23 (London time) - permalink
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jc2008, posted over a year ago

COME ON IN THE DOORS OPEN!!

Posted on 26 May 2013 @ 22:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I'm back from vaca, had a glorious time, knock knock

Posted on 27 May 2013 @ 2:45 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Glorious is good. Welcome back!

Who's there?

Posted on 27 May 2013 @ 22:22 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Old lady

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:0 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

*hoo boy*

Old lady who?

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:18 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Hey, I didn't know you could yodel! Okay I 'm done with the knock knocks...or am I ?

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:21 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I could do the orange one but I 'm too lazy

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:22 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

So we were at dinner and my son and I were debating whether Topsail Island was pronounced "topsale" or "topsill" so we asked the waitress "how do you say where we are?" She said, "Buddy's Crab Shack".

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:47 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

hehe. You did get me with the knock knock joke. Now I'm thinking of Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music," in the puppet skit scene. Yodellll layyyyy heeeee yodeelllllll laaayyyy whooooo

sorry. I'll stop now.

You could have asked the waitress if the second "D" in "Buddy" was silent or not. Doh.

Topsale.

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 2:56 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Well anyway the crab cakes were to die for the whole week showed me that "retired" is not a word to be feared...sigh...back to work tomorrow

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 3:3 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Feared ha ha

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 3:4 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

But it's almost summer…. whee! I'm so looking forward to it. Though around here, May decided not to post for work and instead had March and July show up instead.

Posted on 28 May 2013 @ 3:36 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Love summer and fall. Knock, knock

Posted on 29 May 2013 @ 14:2 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Today, we went from March to July again. I can't believe I have to turn off the heat to turn on the AC.

Who's there?

Posted on 29 May 2013 @ 18:38 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I haven't put the AC on yet, I wanted some window time but I guess I'll have to cave pretty soon.

Iowa

Posted on 29 May 2013 @ 21:27 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I was hoping for window time. Aren't those the best days? And good sleeping weather.

Iowa who?

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 4:16 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Iowa apology for all these lame knock knock jokes!

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 10:52 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

heehee. I did not see that one coming but yes, yes you do.

Knock knock

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 15:47 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Whose there?

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 16:7 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

oops Who's There...Damn I can't get even YOUR knock knock jokes right

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 16:8 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Too much R and R? or G and T?

Keith

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 16:15 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

more like scotch

Keith who?

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 18:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

and it better not be keith me you fool cause I don't swing that way chickie

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 18:46 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Keith me thweet pwinth, but wath out for my looth tooth.

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 19:58 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,

as a chicken which has the daring and courage to

boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom

among them has the strength to contend with such a

paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the

princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its

pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered

within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and

each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial

intent can never be discerned, because structuralism

is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment

would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road

gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its

sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a

fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while

believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt

necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at

this historical juncture, and therefore

synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,

the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the

objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came

into being which caused the actualization of this

potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed

the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-

nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing

events to grace the annals of history. An historic,

unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt

such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to

homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from

the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken

was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)

reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the

transportation, so quite understandably the chicken

availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow

out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello: Jealousy.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,

you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the

Need to resist such a public Display of your own

lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in

town ought never expose one to such barbarous

inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a

road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the

chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade

insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,

filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume

to question the actions of one in all respects his

superior.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of

misplaced concreteness.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable: To get a better view.

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 20:59 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

AUGUST MOBIUS: To get to the same side.

ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

DARTH VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?"

AL GORE: I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. Did I mention that I invented roads?

KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

JANOS von NEUMANN: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on your side.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDRE AMPERE: To keep up with current events.

ROBERT BOYLE: She had been under too much pressure at home.

JAMES WATT: It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

THOMAS EDISON: She thought it would be an illuminating experience.

JEAN FOUCALT: It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

KARL GAUSS: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.

GUSATV HERTZ: Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.

GEORG OHM: There was more resistance on this side of the road.

ERWIN SCHRODINGER: Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer (else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that the chicken simultaneously did and did not cross the road. In the face of this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere sophistry - and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 21:6 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

You've been saving those up, I think. ;)

Posted on 30 May 2013 @ 21:16 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Give me a break, I just spent a week with a bunch of little kids, altho' they were pretty funny, must be from Grandma...

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 1:41 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Why is it that only you and I check out the lounge area? All the aunts/uncle used to play here,remember the fun we had? Must be a bunch of dead heads now...

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 1:45 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Yes, I do remember, I guess many of them have moved on. We are the old dames around here these days.

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 17:8 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Which rinds me of a joke...

How do you make 100 old ladies yell "SHIT" at The same time?

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 22:48 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Reminds, reminds, reminds

Posted on 31 May 2013 @ 22:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I don't know, what does make them yell that?

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 2:44 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

One little old lady yelling "bingo".

Knock knock.

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 8:45 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Ha!

Who's there?

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 16:6 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Yeah who's there...(and it better not be Tom Sawyer)

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 16:53 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Oswald.

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 17:45 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Oswald who?

(I can't see where this is going.)

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 21:1 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Ah swalled my bubble gum.

Posted on 1 June 2013 @ 21:8 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

That must account for your bubbly personality then.

Posted on 3 June 2013 @ 22:6 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Aw shucks. :)

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Posted on 3 June 2013 @ 23:12 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Ummm….. Sister Wheels?

Posted on 4 June 2013 @ 1:26 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Virgin Mobile.

Posted on 4 June 2013 @ 16:3 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Doh! lol!

Posted on 4 June 2013 @ 16:35 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Why was the baby ant confused?

Posted on 4 June 2013 @ 21:1 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Hive no idea.

Wait, no, that's bees.

Um.

Uncle!

Posted on 4 June 2013 @ 22:42 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Haha

He was confused because all of his uncles were ants!

Hey that's an apro joke eh!

Posted on 5 June 2013 @ 1:29 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Heeheh, I was on the right track.

Although there are those who pronounce the word "aunt" as "ont" and not "ant."

Tomato

Tomahto

Posted on 5 June 2013 @ 2:20 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What is it just just us Tish, Cg, and me? This used to be an actual lounge...

Posted on 7 June 2013 @ 1:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Of course, Tish usually ruled but that was only because she can type better..

Posted on 7 June 2013 @ 1:48 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I think maybe we are in the 'ah one ah and a two ah and a three ah' lounge now….. shocking. o_O

Posted on 7 June 2013 @ 2:20 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Meh, folk show up and then disapear. Some old friends, like Irish, will show up from time to time. Some of us keep the home fires burning.

La vie est dur sans confiture.

Posted on 7 June 2013 @ 6:41 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Ahhh CG, you what it does to me when you speak French...that was French right?

Posted on 9 June 2013 @ 19:23 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Irish is laying low cause. She's ascared we are going to invade her backyard, get drunk and barbecue her cat

Posted on 9 June 2013 @ 19:28 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Bien sur que oui, cherie.

Posted on 10 June 2013 @ 4:19 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I would have pegged Irish as a dog person.

Posted on 10 June 2013 @ 4:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

her dog then...I remember hearing that when Kennedy visited the Iron Wall he said "ich bin ein Berliner" which I guess meant he was a doughnut or something.

Posted on 10 June 2013 @ 16:58 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

So that's why it was such a big applause line!

Posted on 10 June 2013 @ 19:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

We know that some who speaks two languages is bilingual but what do you call someone who only speaks one?

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 1:29 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Sorry about my typing now I have some screwy IPod that does auto correct and I am now doubly messed up

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 1:31 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tried those speak and type apps and got the most ungodly results, you would have thought I was Helen Keller.

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 1:33 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

So answer the f%%king question...

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 1:34 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Sorry I get into my movie quotes...why do I hear crickets?Beside the fact that it is a soft North Carolina night?

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 1:44 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I was going to say 'unilingual', but that doesn't sound like much of a punch line. So I'll bite, what *do* you call someone who only speaks one language?

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 4:51 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

An American...

Posted on 12 June 2013 @ 13:59 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Okay it looks like the three buckaroos, everyone try to get Irish to post... First one wins the head of pig's head at the BBQ and bragging rights for a year.

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 2:21 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Irish remember how you followed me around to make sure I didn't fuck up and diminish the credibility of the DC site? You would explain what I was pathetically trying to say. You were my rock. Now Tish tries to do it but she's really like very sarcastic and mean

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 2:32 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

If Irish was smart she'd keep us distracted here rather than having us planning for the BBQ that would put her dog at risk.

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 9:53 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Did I mention that Tish is mean?

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 18:34 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Where are they?

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 18:35 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Tish said something a while back about a vacation, so that's probably her excuse. No idea about Irish.

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 19:3 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I'm on vacay! Be back on the board in a week or so! Behave!!

Posted on 13 June 2013 @ 23:31 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Yea! I love it when i''m totally unsupervised! What say CG we raise some hell!!

Posted on 15 June 2013 @ 1:5 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

'Cause I'm afraid of Tish when she gets back. ;)

Posted on 15 June 2013 @ 3:52 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I've got you covered Bro, all I have do is disrack and destroy ,trust me Tish will be totally distracted and Irish will be totally blind sided and you and I will be golden...pant..pant... I've never felt so free! Join us!,,,wait did I mention that Tish is really,really mean and trust me Irish isn't any cream puff either, in fact step in whenever you have guts CG......

Posted on 16 June 2013 @ 5:0 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What am I saying? Neither one of you scare me one bit, come out, come out wherever you are....

Posted on 16 June 2013 @ 5:3 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

That's right -- they'll be in the "eye" of the storm if they take you on. ;)

Posted on 18 June 2013 @ 15:31 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

She's baaaa-aaaack. :D

How is everyone? Behaving? ;)

Posted on 20 June 2013 @ 21:24 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Behaving well or behaving badly?...

We certainly were behaving and I'm willing to name names for a small fee....

Posted on 20 June 2013 @ 21:51 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Would a bottle of scotch do?

Posted on 20 June 2013 @ 23:48 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Absolutely , CG was totally out of control, Honeypie had a hilarious typo (six flags/sex flags), SVC answered a gazillion questions...the list goes on

Posted on 21 June 2013 @ 1:49 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Oh by the way, did you have some fun?

Posted on 21 June 2013 @ 1:49 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

CG is soo innocently giving accounting and CPA advice now that you are back...it was all butt plugs and spit roasts the night before I can tell you...

Posted on 21 June 2013 @ 3:14 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

It was a recipe for how to cook a roast on a rotisserie! Really!

Posted on 21 June 2013 @ 14:55 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Yes, it was lovely.

Now then, let's do the DC cookbook.

I have some ideas for lovely cocktails. :)

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 0:47 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I'm sure I've shared this one before -- it's the perfect summer evening drink.

Polar Bear

In a blender, add

2 cups of crushed ice

4 generous scoops of vanilla ice cream (the good stuff, not a bargain brand)

2 seconds each of vodka and kahlua.

Blend and serve.

The last ingredient can be varied according to taste. Five or more seconds, however, can be dangerous.

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 1:59 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

So there is no scotch?

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 3:29 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I mean that's fine, good recipe for guests and all plus I don't need the blender....

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 3:32 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I mean that's fine, good recipe for guests and all plus I don't need the blender....

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 3:32 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Hic

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 3:33 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Yup, I think you do need the blender.

The best recipe with scotch I know is the Rusty Nail. Back in the day when drinks were free on airlines I remember my Dad teaching the stewardess how to make them. "Give me that water glass, now a bit of ice, now fill it half way with scotch, that's right, now the rest with drambuie."

The only way to fly. :)

Posted on 27 June 2013 @ 4:1 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Okay here's my scotch recipe:

1 large tumbler

Fill half with high quality ice (prefer large cubes)

I eye dropper filled half way with water

Fill the rest of the tumbler with good old scotch

Note: the scotch will evaporate quickly so will need to be replaced frequently

Posted on 29 June 2013 @ 15:53 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Ahh -- the classics.

Posted on 30 June 2013 @ 1:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I'm thinking that all we need to do is get a few more OCD aunts and uncles on board, and then we can retire in the Caymans.

Posted on 6 July 2013 @ 0:26 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I'm thinking that all we need to do is get a few more OCD aunts and uncles on board, and then we can retire in the Caymans.

Posted on 6 July 2013 @ 0:26 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Hic

Posted on 6 July 2013 @ 0:29 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

That must be quite the scotch you're using in that recipe.

Posted on 6 July 2013 @ 7:31 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Okay you two.....make Irish say Hello

Posted on 16 July 2013 @ 3:47 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Listen, I'm good, but I'm not *that* good.

Posted on 17 July 2013 @ 19:17 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

What are we, chopped liver? :P

Posted on 18 July 2013 @ 13:52 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Looking at your profile pic, chopped liver is among the *last* things that comes to mind. :)

Posted on 18 July 2013 @ 16:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tish''s avatar looks like a blonde on LSD, or maybe a Nieman poster, Andy Wahol??

Posted on 19 July 2013 @ 2:8 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I look like a bear in a bonnet to the one guy who got booted off the site...go figure

Posted on 19 July 2013 @ 2:11 (London time) - permalink
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YouWish, posted over a year ago

**peeks in**

Reading this thread just made me thirsty!

Posted on 21 July 2013 @ 6:37 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

The price of admission is a recipe. ;)

Posted on 22 July 2013 @ 5:58 (London time) - permalink
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YouWish, posted over a year ago

Alrighty then!

In keeping with the delicious drink theme, here's one of my favorites:

Snickers Martini

1 oz Gray Goose Vodka

1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream

1/4 oz Amaretto

1/4 oz Kahlua

Serve chilled, lightly salting the rim of the martini glass is optional to get that "Packed with Peanuts" kick to it.

A bartender had me try this and taught me the recipe after learning of my love of B-52's (1 part Kahlua, 1 part Baileys, 1 part Grand Marnier, layer carefully with a spoon to make it look like a layered shot. Add Bacardi 151 to the top and set it on fire for a Flaming B-52. I only did that...ONCE.)

Posted on 22 July 2013 @ 6:26 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Yum!

The only flaming thing I've ever tried was Sambuca. Again, once.

Posted on 22 July 2013 @ 16:27 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Dropped a match in my scotch...once...luckily no flames but had to forego the atmospheric lighting

Posted on 24 July 2013 @ 21:24 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Did your eyebrows grow back?

Posted on 9 August 2013 @ 20:32 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Eyebrows are overrated anyway.

Posted on 14 August 2013 @ 2:34 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Say you guys, I was just wondering...Do you think the reason only stupid people claim to have been abducted is because the aliens keep the smart ones?

Posted on 21 August 2013 @ 16:39 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

That explains so many things it's scary ...

Posted on 21 August 2013 @ 20:21 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

And another thing, what if ALL sports are just actors pretending to play the sport and professional wrestlers are just the worst actors. Things that are just making me wonder...

Posted on 25 August 2013 @ 2:25 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

And what if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?

Posted on 28 August 2013 @ 1:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

If plastic is made from oil, and oil comes from dinosaurs, does that mean that plastic dinosaurs are actually real dinosaurs?

Posted on 28 August 2013 @ 15:0 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What did zero say to number 8?

Posted on 13 September 2013 @ 17:9 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Anybody? Come on let's play.... We used to play here... Now there is just the few of us

Posted on 14 September 2013 @ 2:38 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Anybody? Come on let's play.... We used to play here... Now there is just the few of us

Posted on 14 September 2013 @ 2:38 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

OK, I'll bite -- what did zero say to the number eight?

Posted on 14 September 2013 @ 16:27 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Nice belt

Posted on 14 September 2013 @ 22:39 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Very good -- and clean too!

Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is

politically correct? Here are some great suggestions sent in by

various people...

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box

the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combination plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off his cracker

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but, leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain, it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Sky light leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts

Posted on 14 September 2013 @ 22:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Like the few peas short one I will use it.

Posted on 15 September 2013 @ 3:18 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Posted on 17 September 2013 @ 16:46 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Posted on 17 September 2013 @ 17:51 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Posted on 17 September 2013 @ 19:58 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What's the difference between GOD and a lawyer?

GOD doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Posted on 18 September 2013 @ 0:51 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Posted on 18 September 2013 @ 7:25 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

A: Taller

Posted on 18 September 2013 @ 19:18 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?

A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Posted on 20 September 2013 @ 7:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

Posted on 20 September 2013 @ 15:3 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Posted on 22 September 2013 @ 7:57 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

A Lesson in Government

Previous Next

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

Posted on 24 September 2013 @ 20:13 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Very quietly I confided to my wife on the eve of our 50th

anniversary, that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!!

Posted on 26 September 2013 @ 3:22 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

The name of the restaurant

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam:" Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"

Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.

"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

Posted on 26 September 2013 @ 17:54 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

It never ceases to amaze me that many of behaviours that we see

and observe and assume to be natural progressions of our state

of being, are now being medically diagnosed and labeled. Here's

a new "disability" to add to the growing list.

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention

Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes.....

I decide to wash the car, start toward the garage and notice the

mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car...

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk.

After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK,

I'll just put the bills on my desk....

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the

mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops... there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?

Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to

look for those checks...

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the

kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water,

I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on

the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away...

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote

away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink,

checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys; and, when I

try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...

I'd get help...

BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

Posted on 27 September 2013 @ 0:35 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Damn you must be contagious...

Posted on 30 September 2013 @ 21:1 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Caught it from my wife ...

Posted on 1 October 2013 @ 17:48 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Her isn't Rose by any chance is it?

Posted on 1 October 2013 @ 21:41 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Her NAME isn't Rose by any chance? Sheesh I'm such an idiot.

Posted on 2 October 2013 @ 13:51 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I'll have to get back to you on that ...

Posted on 2 October 2013 @ 23:52 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Posted on 10 October 2013 @ 14:44 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What did the mother Bison say to her calf as he was leaving to go to college?

Posted on 10 October 2013 @ 16:34 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Venison?

Posted on 10 October 2013 @ 19:40 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I'm buffaloed on this one.

Posted on 10 October 2013 @ 19:41 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Don't flunk out or I'll have your hide?

Posted on 10 October 2013 @ 21:15 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer

Posted on 12 October 2013 @ 15:58 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Bye Son

Posted on 12 October 2013 @ 15:59 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.

The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"

To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."

Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees

the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.

The cop, really pissed off this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"

The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

Posted on 13 October 2013 @ 23:58 (London time) - permalink
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So_Very_Confused, posted over a year ago

LOL... thanks made me smile....

Posted on 14 October 2013 @ 14:44 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Your turn

Posted on 16 October 2013 @ 1:34 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa. '$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.' Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

Posted on 16 October 2013 @ 4:30 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him,

" Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said,

"Well I don't think you should spank him."

Posted on 16 October 2013 @ 4:31 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Why wasn't there any food left over from a monster party?

Posted on 16 October 2013 @ 21:51 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What is a mummy's favorite music?

Posted on 16 October 2013 @ 21:52 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

It's just gotta be rap.

Posted on 18 October 2013 @ 17:35 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

But I got nothing on the party one.

Posted on 18 October 2013 @ 17:36 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Dat party was hoppin' and they was a goblin'

Posted on 18 October 2013 @ 20:12 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

Posted on 18 October 2013 @ 20:43 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Dead end streets?

Posted on 20 October 2013 @ 15:41 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Right!

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

Posted on 20 October 2013 @ 19:21 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Because their vacuum cleaners keep coming unplugged?

Posted on 22 October 2013 @ 18:43 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Close -- because vacuums are too heavy.

Your turn.

Posted on 23 October 2013 @ 7:5 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is scared of the water?

Posted on 23 October 2013 @ 15:4 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

A sand-witch?

Posted on 23 October 2013 @ 16:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

You're close...a chicken sand witch

Posted on 23 October 2013 @ 18:20 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

Posted on 23 October 2013 @ 18:21 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

His transparents?

What did one ghost say to the other when they fell down?

Posted on 24 October 2013 @ 4:18 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Did you get a boo boo?

Posted on 24 October 2013 @ 13:57 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Correct.

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Posted on 25 October 2013 @ 23:41 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

They are too wrapped up in themselves?

Posted on 26 October 2013 @ 0:4 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Exactly.

Your turn.

Posted on 26 October 2013 @ 16:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

What would you get if you crossed a watchdog with a werewolf?

Posted on 26 October 2013 @ 18:15 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Excellent protection -- but only when there's a full moon. (?)

Posted on 26 October 2013 @ 18:59 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

An extremely nervous mailman.

Posted on 27 October 2013 @ 1:45 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

No doubt!

Posted on 27 October 2013 @ 20:2 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

So in the spirit of the season....

What do little Pilgrims draw pictures with?

Posted on 8 November 2013 @ 17:18 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Turkey quills?

Posted on 9 November 2013 @ 21:26 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Crayon-berries

Posted on 9 November 2013 @ 21:33 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Ouch.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Posted on 10 November 2013 @ 1:14 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Big buckles?

Posted on 10 November 2013 @ 16:5 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Being so freakin' old!

Posted on 10 November 2013 @ 20:13 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What did the pilgrim say to his pregnant wife?

Posted on 12 November 2013 @ 21:23 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I have no idea, what did the pilgrim say to his pregnant wife?

Posted on 12 November 2013 @ 23:55 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I may wear a buckle on my hat but I'm still sufficient to fecundate you.

Posted on 13 November 2013 @ 10:55 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

hahahahaha! That's in the DC manual now, isn't it? heehee!

Posted on 13 November 2013 @ 16:8 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Yep listed right after spit-roast and before butt plugs. I just love that word been trying to use it as often as I can, had to thank Cindy for it.

Posted on 13 November 2013 @ 21:39 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Bet it raised some eyebrows at bridge.

Posted on 14 November 2013 @ 7:9 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

AND at the grocery store deli "2 lbs of Fecundate should be sufficient"

Posted on 14 November 2013 @ 15:6 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Does Santa really exist?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming That each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. on land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas

Posted on 9 December 2013 @ 21:32 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Knock Knock

Posted on 9 December 2013 @ 21:54 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Who's there?

Posted on 10 December 2013 @ 1:17 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Centipede

Posted on 10 December 2013 @ 15:41 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Centipede who? (she asks with trepidation)

Posted on 11 December 2013 @ 0:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Posted on 11 December 2013 @ 10:39 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Posted on 11 December 2013 @ 13:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Santa's little helpers? Not the reindeer, then.

I call them elves……

Posted on 12 December 2013 @ 1:7 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Subordinate Clauses

Posted on 12 December 2013 @ 16:16 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Merry Christmas and the happiest New Years to those that I truly love, you know who you are! Let 's have a productive but yet a total riot next year! Go Green Go White!

Posted on 25 December 2013 @ 3:48 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Hear hear!

Posted on 25 December 2013 @ 19:26 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Posted on 15 January 2014 @ 18:50 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Sea ya later?

Posted on 15 January 2014 @ 21:48 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Nothing, they just waved.

Posted on 16 January 2014 @ 13:47 (London time) - permalink
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