A
male
age
51-59,
*amatha
writes:Hi everyone,I have been happily married for two years now. I love my wife dearly and we have a beautiful 1 year old boy. I am nearly 50 and she is just over 40.We knew we had some baggage when we came into the relationship, most of which was financial. But it was always secondarly and never an issue.she had a cottage that she had a mortgage on and despite trying to get tenants in to help repay the mortgage it was unsustainable. In the end she decided to merely hand the keys back to the mortgage company stating that she can no longer afford to keep the house. This would leave her around £30.000 in debt. She said if push come to shove she will declare herself bancrupt.I didn't question this. I love her and so far as I was concerned I'll support her in whatever she does.Now recently one of my debts has come back to haunt me. I used to have a lucrative career in IT but due to the unstable environment and the fact that about 8 or 9 years ago people (including myself) were losing their jobs left right and centre. I changed careers after returing to university to study and now work in healthcare for a fraction of the salary I was on...but I am happier.However, I brought with me a lot of debt that i could no loonger manage. So now I am going to court to contest some of the debt. If I lose they may well put a charge on my/our home which means any equity in it they will receive if we sell.This was my own home that I had before I met my wife.I am writing as her reaction to this news has left me cold. She stated that she resented me for having these debts and that our potential reitrement fund (the eqity in the house) was now at threat. I feel gutted to the core by her reaction and even more so as it seems apparent that there was something bubbling away under the surface that I was utterly unaware of.We discussed and shouted at eachother over the weekend. But she seems now to have calmed down, she apologised and all seems well again now.I am however, just left with a really bad taste in my mouth....was she just afraid and dissapointed? Or was she wholly unsupportive and forgetting that she threw the 'bancruptcy' idea in like it was something you do every day?Not sure how to feel about all of this...I feel really upset though!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): A woman lashing out at her man for his financial situation is like a man lashing out at a women and calling her unattractive. It might be a "brief emotional outburst" but that doesn't mean you can expect your partner to just brush it off and forget it without any harm done.
For me it would depend on how true I though the reaction was. If I detected any signs that it wasn't just a brief emotional outburst then I would have a pretty bad taste about it too.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 I think when she heard the news, her first reaction was to lash out at you, because I think the news made her afraid of the future. Her reaction was purely out of fear. It was not a rejection of you or a criticism of you. It was her fear speaking. Please don't hold it against her. She apologized and that, I think, means more than her initial reaction. I think the two of you need financial counselling. You need to figure out a way collectively to pay off both sets of debts. I think the equity in your house should be your first priority, but I'm no financial manager. You could maybe book an appointment with a financial advisor at your bank or if you have a trusted friend or family member who is a good accountant, ask them for help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2014): She was freaked out and reacted in the heat of the moment without thinking ahead. I have a tendency to do this too sometimes so I am familiar with it. But she has so much at stake. Her own financial issues plus a child, so when she heard the news it frightened her. And she reacted the way that she did. It does not mean that she doesn't love you. Her reaction is comparable to like if a parent let's their 16 year old kid borrow their car and he or she totals the car and upon being notified, the parent goes ballistic. It doesn't mean the parent doesn't love the child or wishes the child harm. The reaction often has to do with alot of things going through that person's mind. Feeling hurt that this person was irresponsible with your possession. In your wife's case feeling like you are gambling with her future. Thinking of worst case scenario's. The stress of wondering what to do next. What you told her was very stressful to her. And she reacted the way she did. But she acknowledges her reaction was inappropriate and she apologized. So just accept her apology and move forward. You have much bigger things to worry about right now. And for your own sake, speak up and let her know that you did not like her reaction. That you did not put her in this predicament on purpose. And that you love her and need her support more than ever now. And be stern and let her know that you need her to be calm and supportive, especially in times of stress. You are trying your best to keep your family afloat and you cannot do this without her help.
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