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Why is it so difficult to find a really nice and honest man?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 4 November 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *inkerbell2008 writes:

I'm a 39 year old single mom with 2 kids. I've been single for almost 4 years now. Of course my kids mean the whole world to me, but at times I do need someone for intimate moments, to share the good and bad times together, to talk about everything and anything... I just can't seem to find the right man. I've been on dating sites once in a blue moon, been on dates but just get tired going through all those introductions over and over again. Why is it so difficult to find a really nice and honest man?

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A male reader, Griffo Australia +, writes (4 November 2010):

Griffo agony auntI wasn't saying you are a fussy person. I was simply asking you what qualities you are liking for in a man. That's not being fussy.

When you know the answers to these questions and understand them, then youll know the right man for you. You won't be sitting around waiting for him to come along, you'll be going to him. There are books that can explain this more.

Anyway I wish you the best.

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A female reader, tinkerbell2008 United Kingdom +, writes (3 November 2010):

tinkerbell2008 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you to those who reply to my question. I have had thought about what you guys have said. To be honest most guys Ive dated are only interested in sex and I refused. That's the reason why I mentioned it is difficult to find an honest and nice guy.

My sincere Congrats to you youngmum89 - may you be happy with your dream man forever..

To answer Griffo question - I am not a fussy person. He has to be hardworking enough to be able to balance between work and home.

To add on to what ODDS said - I am a very independent woman and never relied on anyone, not even my family when I went through the hard life with my kids. I can proudly say that I single handledly bring up my 2 kids. Nothing to look back on.

Anyway, I guess when the time is right, then maybe I would find the right man to come into my life.

Thanks again for all your answers. I do appreciate it.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (1 November 2010):

Danielepew agony auntDo you realize that many men could rightfully ask the same question about women?

It is difficult to find an honest and nice man because it is difficult to find honest and nice people. Period.

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A female reader, youngmum89 Ireland +, writes (1 November 2010):

youngmum89 agony aunti was a single mom of 1 up until a year ago i was on this social network site called tagged for ages, i started chatting to this guy for wks, i gave him my number didnt no whether he was going to text back or not but to my surprise he did i told him i had a son and he was a single father to, i have been on dates wit men who had no kids but i found it easier to connect wit him as we had more in common, i no peolpe say dating sites don't work but try it again i found the man of my dreams on a social networking site he's great and honest he has met my son an he's great with him i defo plan on never letting this guy go. i hope you find your mr right soon good luck with finding him, try dating sites 1 more time, if there is anyone who have any children on it go for him cos they know what your going trough wit been single and have children. wish you all the happiness you deserve

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (1 November 2010):

Odds agony auntDating sites are a pretty raw deal, from everything I've heard, but that's not the core issue here.

I'll answer why the guys you're looking for are hard to find first, then my suggestions for dealing with it.

Simply put, nice and honest men exist - but most of them are taken by your age. Worse, the ones who aren't generally do not want to date single mothers or divorcees if they have the choice (you didn't say whether you were divorced or not, but that doesn't change the point here). The ones who don't have the choice will tend to be somewhat less desirable then the ones who do.

Think of it this way. Out of X amount of men in your area, only some fraction are within your age group, only some fraction of them are single, only some fraction of them would even be willing to date a single mom, and only some fraction of them are desirable (in this case meaning primarily nice and honest, but also meeting any of your other dating requirements such as looks or wealth).

That's the reason it's so hard to find them. Now to what you can do about it.

First, there's the option of lowering your standards. Drop any requirements for a guy beyond being nice and honest. Not everyone can stomach that option, and I don't blame them. Second, you can date older guys - single men in their 50's would not balk as much at children or at your age, though I'm not certain many of them would be interested in marriage - just long term relationships. This is the easiest option. Third, you could take steps to increase your own value as a mate. This is probably your most effective option.

To increase your mate value, honestly assess what *you* have to offer in a relationship. Beyond just the basics - sex, companionship - look into the little details that would set you apart from the rest of the dating pool. Are you a great cook? Can you hold extended discussions about auto parts or football? Do you like camping? A few details like that can go a long way.

The other half of maximizing your mate value is minimizing the baggage that guys would (rightly) avoid. Don't make a man pay for your kids, and make sure your kids act like angels around him. Don't let their father become a source of drama in his life, but don't talk about him like he's a monster, either (guys will wonder why you chose such a horrible man, and run). Try to maintain your appearance, even with the stresses of being a single mom.

Best of luck to you - and keep trying; there's still hope for finding the right guy until your stop looking for him.

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (1 November 2010):

Jmtmj agony auntPlenty of nice and honest guys out there... but as griffo asked- what other qualities are you looking for? Specifically ones that you may be turning these guys away for not having?

I'm yet to use a dating site, but I imagine it to be harder to find somebody you click with... you go on a date with somebody and you're eliminating them one at a time, maybe even within the first few minutes. Seems easier to me to talk to lots of people in public gatherings and avoid tedious/awkward individual dates but I'm sure some people have success with them.

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A male reader, Griffo Australia +, writes (1 November 2010):

Griffo agony auntForget dating sites they don't work.

What are the main things your looking for in a man other than being honest and nice?

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