A
male
age
36-40,
*oldier_X
writes:So, alot of things have been hard to adjust to since I got out of the Army. Not the least of which has been dating, or...not dating, I suppose.I like to think I'm a nice guy, outgoing in public, but private at home. I own my own house, and cook and clean and do all the things that I expected I would do as a civillian. A day in my life might seem picturesque as the opening sequence of a hallmark movie if it weren't always so quiet.I've taken a few shots in the past years, winding up with lovely young women who tell me I'm the greatest most amazing sensitive blah blah blah they've ever met. So why do I keep getting dumped by text with no explanation? I mean, I try to be romantic. On the first date, I was driven to work almost up to the last minute before I took this girl out and I was panicking because I hadn't bought flowers, so I made her an origami lilly, and she was taken aback. Things seemed to be going great and the way she kissed me when we said goodnight kept me from even turning the radio on the whole drive home. Then, the second day I get this cold mechanical text saying we should just be friends.I'm pretty upfront with the fact that I'm celibate, and I've never gotten a negative reaction to that, but I get the feeling that it's the X-factor in this "game" that everyone's playing. I mean, is sex so important to everyone? What ever happened to holding hands and watching the sun set? So maybe I'm old fashioned. But silhouetted against the current values and customs of romance, I like to think I'm more of a nonconformist. Casual romance doesn't appeal to me because I take life, and therefore other people, seriously. If that's unappealing, I guess I'm a career bachelor, but I won't lie and say I don't wish it were otherwise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I think it's ok to do whatever you feel is right for you with your sex life. Maybe you should look for women who fit with your belief system so that sex won't be an issue immediately if you both want to wait for marriage. Religious institutions are good places to meet people.
Sometimes you need to take more time to get to know someone before giving certain romantic gestures, as some women may see this as too much pressure when they don't know you well enough.
Sometimes you just click instantly, and in that case it is often ok, because it's charming and it shows a lot respect. I think it's wonderful to see that chivalry is not dead.
I'm not sure about breaking up by text- it could be that the celibacy issue was the cause or maybe she felt that you two did not click, but it is a rude way to do that.
A
male
reader, Soldier_X +, writes (7 February 2011):
Soldier_X is verified as being by the original poster of the question I appreciate all the honest feedback. I do think about how it must make a woman feel when she asks about sex and hears something like that. I wonder if she thinks that I'm not attracted to her / judging her / teasing her / but I really try to keep it from coming across like that. It's not necessarily a religious thing, but it is a choice, and I don't "look down" upon everyone who engages in sex before marriage because I realize that this is the majority and that abstinence is more of a personal contract than a biblical law. I don't look down on smokers and drinkers either. Most of my best friends engage in premaridal sex, but I dont' have to approve of their lifestyles to like them, just as they don't have to approve of my own stony sense of morality, or the fact that I collect suspenders and sometimes wear them with clothes that don't require their assistance.
I guess I should know by now what's wrong with the way I approach women. I can be too secretive about my work, and too open about my opinions. I may attempt romantic gestures with the wrong women, while failing to recognize the attentions of those whom I might connect with. I guess there's a learning curve, but thankyou all for your thoughtful responses.
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female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (7 February 2011):
They text you because it is the easy way out without talking to you again. It got to that point where they do not want to talk to you at all. I really feel you are moving to fast or applying too much pressure, you can definitely do that without realizing it. Just go with the flow and take it slowly. You may be kind of scaring them away. And you sound like you do not know you are doing it because you are so put off by the text message but the reason is obvious why they are sending you them. Now it is up to you to change your behavior and back up some :)
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (7 February 2011):
People love texting, and I think it's partly because it is impersonal like you said. People feel awkward about everything, and texting is a way to communicate without being so in-your-face and immediate. And no one loves texting more than young women. So embrace it. A girl once told me she prefers text because email is "too formal." Ten years ago, the idea of email being more formal than anything would be hilarious. Not anymore.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Anybody who breaks up with someone by "texting" has no class. But if it's only after one date then I guess it makes some sense, at least she saved you the effort of asking for a second date. Get used to the texting however, it's going to be with us for awhile. Keep your chin up and keep looking, she's out there. And thank you for your service to our country.
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reader, babyghost  +, writes (7 February 2011):
Sometimes people find it easier to text something than say it to someone's face. It's not good, but it helps them say stuff they probably never would.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I don't know what to say to everything you wrote, or if I even can give you advice. But one thing put me off by what you wrote. Being celibate is all fine with a lot of women I suppose... But it's this signal of you being "better" than them that would be off putting. You didn't put that signal out so strongly in your post, but you still gave hints of it. Like you look down upon those who are not celibate until marriage (I guess that's what you are waiting for).
"Casual romance doesn't appeal to me because I take life, and therefore other people, seriously."
If this is the attitude you show ladies when you date them, this is what they will hear: "Casual romance doesn't appeal to me, I take life and people seriously. If you've been casually dating anyone, or even gone as far as having sex, I think you must not take yourself or others seriously. Perhaps you're even a slut, or just some stupid little girl, and you definitely do not stand a chance with me as I am on a moral high-ground".
I took it a bit to the extreme just to show my line of thought here. If I met a virgin who told me he takes people and life serious, hence wont do casual dating... and I happen to have had sex before marriage... then yeah, I'd think there's a great chance you will look down on me, or that you actually want a virgin, and not someone like me.
If that's the case, if this is one reason women turn you down... then it would pay off to have a good and deep conversation about your celibacy, talk about what it means to you, how you view others, and let the woman ask question so she can understand it as well.
Deep and meaningful conversations like that though are best to keep for when you actually know the person. Not for the first date. Get to know someone first, the judge if you can be more than friends, then get to the point where you have some in-depth conversations about life and what you want out of life.
Holding hands and walking into the sunset is perfectly possible. For those who need sex there's a thing called masturbating.
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male
reader, Soldier_X +, writes (7 February 2011):
Soldier_X is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for correcting my misuse of the word 'celibate', I did mean I want to wait till I get married.
As for all the advice about telling people too quickly, I really don't. I only mention it when the girl brings it up, which tends to be more quickly than I'm willing to move. I try to be low key about it, and sometimes only allude to it. As a former Military Police Officer, I tend to be hypersensitive about what I think people will react to. The problem is, I can tell when someone is going to fight me, or run on me, but I have no clue what a woman is thinking when I hold a door, or smile from across a room. I'm not going to compromise my values, but if anyone knows what this impersonal 'texting' thing is all about, I could probably use an update because I'm feeling a little left behind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): So, to correct myself about the celibate thing. Typo I guess. I was corrected, thankfully, and I did mean I intend to wait till I get married.
In response to alot of the advice, I do not go around telling every girl on the first date that I don't want sex. I only tell them when they bring it up, and it generally comes up pretty quick. I try to be low key about it, and sometimes I only allude to it by saying I want to take it slow, but as I've said, it does tend to be my X-factor. I won't change that. My only real puzzlement stems from the reason for this impersonal text thing that everyone seems so fond of. If I have a problem, I bring it up in person and try to reason through it.
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reader, babyghost +, writes (7 February 2011):
I think you are great! A guy who actually wants to get to know the girl before trying to get her into bed! I do think you need to prob reign in the celibate part but i agree that people should be treated nicely.
I dont think your doing anything wrong necessarily apart from what a previouse commentor put about being on a pedistool. Its scary to fall off that and that can drive a wedge between ppl itselves. Also the romantic stuff shouldnt be every day as one thing i keep trying to get to ppl is that sometimes just being snuggled up watching a movie can be THE most romantic thing in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): If a girl hears you describe yourself as "celibate," she can choose to believe one of two things.
1. There is no chance of her ever having a sexual relationship with you. She may interpret "celibate" literally which means that you choose not to engage in sex. Most people accept that a "date" means you have more than a platonic interest or that you at the very least find the other person sexually attractive. To ask someone out on a date and simultaneously tell them that you will never have sex is counter-intuitive and signals that you are a conflicted individual.
If a guy told me this, I would assume he described himself this way because he had strong religious convictions which would get in the way of a relationship, he is a repressed homosexual who feels he HAS to date women, or has other psychological issues with intimacy. I probably wouldn't break up via text, but "celibate" would put me off.
2. If she interprets "celibate" in a more generous way then she may believe you are just playing hard to get. If you just want to take it slow and build the relationship first, then say so. Most women would appreciate a man who feels that way. But if you call yourself "celibate" then she may think you are withholding sex and imposing a unilateral rule just to give yourself leverage.
When a girl did this, guys call her a "cock tease" and move on.
Women like sex too, just as much as men. Women also want to know that they are sexually attractive and valuable...perhpas more so than men. If you nix any potential for that at the very beginning, women may feel like you are just too much trouble and you are impossible to please. From then on, the date will be like a job interview.
Another thing is that women are usually the ones tasked with withholding sex until the relationship feels intimate enough. We tend to be the timekeepers and we are used to being the ones who say when we are ready for sex. When you drop the "celibate" bomb on a first date, you steal our thunder.
If you want to take it slow, say so, but don't impose any hard limits on sex at the very beginning.
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reader, shawncaff +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Girls give mixed signals, that's for sure. That's pretty much unavoidable in the dating game.
But about this celibate business: I think you mean you wait for sex until marriage, no? Being celibate means you will NEVER have sex.
I am sure there are girls who would respect that. But you need to look for them in the right place, like church perhaps.
If you find someone with your value system it would make it work much better.
The origami idea is charming--I hope she appreciated that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I agree with the male commenter, to a certain degree. Try a more casual dating scene at first, and do not put the celibate thing up-front, because I would agree it could be deemed a turn off. For me, personally, your take on things is refreshing. People of all ages shapes and sizes have a sex drive and hormones, of course, but it should not be all about that physical aspect. I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year, and hes not romantic. Were both virgins still, and now it seems he is merely pressuring or wanting sex to brag to his friends he finally lost it. This is such a huge turn off, and I am now less than willing to share that physical aspect with him, because, to top it off, he is majorly taking me for granted. Not to gravitate away from giving you advice, but my point is that now, I am sticking to my morals by not giving in to having sex, and its also for some rather more personal reasons, too. What I mean by all this is, someone should be willing to wait for you--much like a guy should wait for a girl he is serious about. My other question is, if you do not mind me asking, if you were in a serious relationship, would you eventually consider not being celibate? Or is it more a moral life-time sort of thing? Nothing wrong with either, and I applaud you sticking to what you believe in. =)
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reader, amandab +, writes (7 February 2011):
you stick to your guns about what you want, nothing wrong with being celibate but do you tell the girls too often?
some times for us girls its a bit too needy getting stuff all the time, and we like to get stuff not because its the 'right' thing to do because a guy will put thought in and it will mean something. maybe you need to relax a bit. dont hit the celibate thing on first date, i would find that a turn off. and chill with the gifts..
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reader, Odds +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Girls are used to being treated poorly - if you don't believe that, nex time a girl says that a guy treats her like a princess, start asking questions about how often her boyfriend makes her cry, cancels dates, or gets blind drunk on weekdays.
Treating them too nicely up front makes you a stand-up guy, but it's not what they're used to. You have to ease them into it. Besides which, no girl wants to be on a pedestal, because they know they're only human and don't deserve it.
I'm sure you've noticed the dissonance between what girls say they want and what they actually act like they want, such as in your example with the girl who wanted to be friends. I'm sure she would have said she wants to be treated romantically, but she sure didn't act like it.
You can have success without being a dick. The trick is, to show that yes, you are capable of romance and commitment... then don't give the girl either right away. Make her earn it, the same way a nice girl would make you earn sex. Once she sees that you are a prize, make her work for it.
So go on a low-pressure coffee date instead of a dinner. Don't bring any gifts, unless it's a bottle of wine you're both going to drink that night. Be the first to end a kiss or a hand-holding, then don't start up again even if she wants it for at least a few minutes. Tease her.
Once you've gotten to know her better, then you can show the romantic side - but remember, it's a reward for her continued good behavior, not an entitlement just because she's a chick. Be willing to get mad, or withdraw special treatment if she's going to abuse the privilege. Best of luck to you.
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reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (7 February 2011):
Nothing is wrong with your belief system it is nice and different then the norm which is good. I can sum up your reason for being dumped all the time pretty quickly. You move too fast. There is no reason for a woman to know you are celibate until after you have gotten to know her for a few months, it is none of her business in the begining. Next, no need to give flowers on the first date or to ever give origamy on the first date again...do you know why? I will tell you. You are moving too quickly. All you need to give on the first date is you, show her a nice time but remember to work your way up to giving flowers etc. It will be much more appreciated when it is not given so freely. It is very important to get to know someone slowly and to give more of you slowly because to me...when it is given too fast...it seems less special like you do it on a regular with everyone. But, if it is something that took time, we began to know each other, had chemistry etc. and it has been a couple of months I would really really appreciate flowers :) So, you seem fantastic just slow down a lot. There is nothing wrong with taking your time. Reserve watching the sun set with the one whom you make your girlfriend please. She will be the special deserving girl. Also, and this is extremely important, do not contact too much. Do not always initiate conversation, do not text or call too much it is not a good feeling to be on the recieving in I know from experience. This is not a "game" it is real life and in real life it is not all about you and how you do things, you must take into consideration how the other will feel. Now that is being selfless. For women to leave you via text that is a clear sign you are overwhelming and a smotherer. Go on and get mad at me :) I have been smothered enough to know! You may mean well but just practice some self control and you will be fine. It will be much more special. You being celibate will not turn off the one that really loves you. So, I hope this helped and I hope I was not too harsh but I wanted to be honest. I see you are a good person and hope you find love. Love is special and deserves to be nurtured at a slow pace so it is more likely to last. Feel free to message me if you need any more help :)
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reader, Universe Man +, writes (7 February 2011):
So what you're saying is that you're in the habit of telling girls on the first date, "I'm celibate"? And this means what? That you want to wait until marriage? Or that you want to never have sex? Regardless of what exactly that word means to you, it's pretty unusual to be celibate, and it's going to throw a girl for a loop. That is not something you should explain to someone the first time you have one-on-one time with them. You are freaking them out.
Also, I would think twice about bringing flowers on a first date. Instead, let her watch you make an origami flower out of a cocktail napkin during the date.
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reader, Dsears1989 +, writes (7 February 2011):
Hey im all for holding hands and watching the sunset. Most people just like sex to much to not have it. Im sure someday youll find the right women for you. Im sure you have ur reasons for being celebate and if shes the right one she will love you no matter what. The right one is definetly worth waiting for.
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