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We talk about dating but I don't know how he feels about me

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Question - (12 April 2020) 2 Answers - (Newest, 13 April 2020)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I don't know how this guy really feels about me. we always bring up the subject of going on a date I just don't know how he is feeling and I don't want to rush him what should I be doing or am I doing something wrong?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020):

I second the opinion of Aunty BimBim. At the moment we can't really be as "close" as we might want to be for our own safety and the safety of others.

We get a lot of posts from people who want to know straightaway how another person they like feels about them. As long as that remains a question to be determined; you should be evaluating the personality and habits of the person that you "think" you really like. You can still like them for what you know about them superficially; but you should also maintain some objectivity to be observant of some of their bad-habits. Always check the range and levels of his kindness. Observe how he handles his temper; and listen carefully when he talks about himself. You aren't sure of how, or how much, you yourself like a person; until you know enough about them to know why. You may have great conversation and assume you have much in-common. Sometimes people are just agreeable and are echoing what you tell them about yourself. Literally telling you what you want to hear.

People tend to list the attributes and character-traits they want in a person on their online profiles; well, you've given them the outline, they can just assume the persona of the match you've yourself described. They'll claim they're everything you've hoped for, and then some! Retain all judgment, until you've met several times; and allow them to prove it with persistence and sincerity.

The only way you will rush anything is to eagerly want a relationship with a guy you know little or nothing about. Online scum and predators prey on your vulnerability and gullibility. Developing strong-feelings for someone who is still much of a stranger to you, based on nothing but a few likable things you've discovered about them; is gambling your feelings on fantasies and daydreams you've made of them. Don't get too far ahead of him, if he's not showing you enough indication that he likes you the same way. If you've known a guy a really long time, but he seems to avoid any opportunity to date you; he may be politely declining by way of using gentle-avoidance. He never says yes, or won't give any clear indication of when. You may also be "cornering" a "friend" who doesn't see you in the romantic-sense. If this has been going-on for some time, back-off. You'll save face and the friendship; if you're not pressuring somebody who loves you only as a friend, for more than what it is.

He's not sure of how he feels; and technically, nor are you! Keep your feelings in a safe-place; until he "voluntarily" lets you know that he's on the same-page. You can let him know little by little that you like him. If you don't seem to be getting any discernible or specific indications he likes you back; place your feelings on standby, and wait. If it takes too long, and he's wasting your time with too much playing shy; while you're trying so hard to let him know you like him. Listen to your heart! Take a pause, even if that means backing-off and taking a pass. Take a pass when you're bordering making a fool of yourself. You shouldn't be doing all the pursuing. Players will use your desperation and neediness against you. There's no such thing as "playing hard to get" anymore. Either you're interested romantically, or you're not! If any thing is hard to get; it's a quick-shot at getting your clothes off!

There's two-sides to this. I will also take this opportunity to educate people who toy with the feelings of others. Using "shyness" as the excuse. Well, you get only so much of a pass for that immaturity and disrespect for the feelings and the time you're wasting belonging to others. Less-shy people deserve what you're wasting time shying away from! There is shyness, and there's also stringing people along. Basking in the attention, flattered by the infatuation, and stroking your own ego. If no matter how hard you try to close the gap with a love-interest, and they keep a distance...cut the rope! Let them go! All they want is the chase, not to be caught! Delete, block, and forgetabout'em! Swipe left!!!

It's fine to be shy, but you shouldn't mess around with anyone's feelings; while they're trying hard to let you know they like you. It's not fair! While you relentlessly keep placing childish-shyness in their way, and dithering around! It's wasting their time, and they don't deserve that. It's hurtful and confusing. They are also risking their feelings to show you they want to give you a chance. Grow-up!!! If you're lonely, then fate should keep you alone; until you grow out of it, or get professional-help. If you're in therapy for anxiety and social-disorders; even therapy requires you to take risks, as an exercise of growth and advancement towards a breakthrough. So don't use anxiety as your excuse! You want love? Well, go get it! It's not served to you hot on a platter, with nothing given in reciprocation! Your conceit and self-centeredness is clearly a red-flag others should avoid!

I get a lot of defensive-rebuttal from people for their being "shy;" but sometimes you have to overcome it, if somebody is letting you know they like you. If you waste their time, shyness is also mean and stupid. Yes, I said "stupid!" Not when you have a social-anxiety disorder; only when you're healthy, and grown-up. Consider the feelings of the person you're jerking around; while being "shy!" If it's an anxiety-disorder; then seek therapy to help you to adjust to the demands of human-interactions and communication. If it's only a quirk; then you do all you can to step outside of your comfort-zone. That's what necessity, survival, and maturity requires of us. How else will you find love, if you don't take a risk, or learn how to deal with rejection? If you want to earn a paycheck, you learn to get past "shyness!"

For the time being, sweetheart, rely on his regular-contact as a some indication that he enjoys talking with you. When all the precautionary-measures placed on us to maintain our social-distancing are lifted; then you may gather the courage to suggest celebration on a coffee-date! You may learn sooner than that where he's coming from; but I urge you to be cautious, wise, and patient.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (13 April 2020):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWith the Corona Virus situation at the moment it might be a bit hard to actually do anything in person …. that's if you are in an area where social distancing is being promoted as a way to stay safe, even if you are not in lockdown.

However, you can still take some initiative, ask him what's the first thing he wants to do when restrictions are lifted, suggest you both celebrate by getting together for a coffee or to watch a pub band or something equally non threatening … if he still demurs or makes excuses or skirts around the suggestion then take that as your answer in that he isn't interested in meeting up with you.

You can then decide if you want to keep him in your contacts list as an acquaintance or if you would be better off blocking him.

Good luck

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