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We rowed like we never have before after his ex called...was I so wrong in what I said??

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 February 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 February 2008)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Please help me. When I first met my boyfriend I'd known of him for 6 years, working together in a mental health hospital. I had originally asked him out over email before I left my job.

Then after I'd been seeing him for 3 months, I found out that he had been living with a girl and had only finished with her 6 weeks after we'd started dating. This girl I know because she used to be a patient of the doctor I work for. She has a borderline personality disorder. That was where he had originally met her. But he went out with her after she was discharged from the Dept where he worked.

He said he had wanted to get out of the relationship for a long time, and although he knows what he did was wrong, he did what he thought best at the time. He also said that when I asked him out he liked me so much, and it was an opening out of his situation, which he said was dire. His family have said she was so unpredictable and was horrible to his young son.

When I had asked him what the hell he was doing with someone like her he said he thought he could help her but it was too draining. When I asked if he had loved her he told me that he had thought he had, but looking back he doesn't think that he could have done, otherwise he would still be there. He is the sort of man that like's to 'rescue' people and can be very soft.

Fast forward to 7 months later and we have an absolutely fantastic relationship. Loads in common, caring and loving and I have never been this happy with anyone in my life (I am 29) he spends nearly every night at mine. He has said I am the love of his life and he tells me over and over again how lucky he is to have found someone special like me.

Because of him being dishonest at first though, I have found it very hard to trust him. Over this past month I have just started to feel really secure and trusting in him.

Then last night his ex rung his sister (she doesn't have my boyfriend's mobile number) and said that there was a warrent for his arrest. Then his sister gave her my boyfriend's mob number. She texted him and told him this. He rung her (I was sat there) and she said she'd had two letters delivered to the house (where they used to live) and it was him owing money to O2 mobile company. She then asked him when he was coming round to get them etc then he said thank you and hung up.

Well, we had a massive row. I accused him of still having feelings for her and why did he have to go round there just ring her and get the telephone numbers and reference numbers - he said he wanted the information in his own hands. I accused him of wanting to go round there and sleep with her etc, etc and he went mad telling me I've got a screw lose (we never row like this) He said he panicked when he got the text - I said she did it on purpose as its not the first time she has done something like this before - she quite often sends messages to his sister saying tell your brother to get rid of the stuff out of the spare room before it gets burnt etc, etc. She also once stopped a standing order so he got into loads of debt. In the end, he got his mother to ring to get the information off the letters from her (his mother had also rung him to let him know because she was really concerned by the content of the text to his sister as well).

He said to me even if he had gone round there, he wouldn't have gone on his own, last time he went round there to collect the remainder of his belongings, he took his sister's boyfriend.

So last night he was totally adament that what I had said was dispicable and he didn't know what to feel anymore. He said that me telling him I finally trusted him had meant the world to him, and then for me to go and say that he still had feelings for her really hurt him. I said that I just said it in anger and that all people say things in anger, and that his sister had once said things worse than what I said in anger and he turned round and said "so, that's different, I know her better and I know she didn't mean it".

We went to bed and sort of cuddled but it wasn't the same. He said he didn't feel very close to me at all. Then this morning he apologised and told me he loved me. But I still feel VERY uneasy. Was I so wrong in what I said? He said we seem to be moving forward then we have a row like this and we go backwards. I was really angry and insecure though.

Please someone give me some advice.

View related questions: debt, discharge, ex called, his ex, insecure, money, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

There is no indication that your boyfriend is a manipulating cheater at all - just that he went out with a manipulative vindictive woman. I know - bin there. He needs to sort everything out so she cant do this anymore.He has no kids (like I do) so he can cut any conatct or need for it. Dont blame him - mot his fault.

Your nsecurities are not justified without any good reason for suspicision - and you will drive him away if you are not careful

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A female reader, Sugarbuns Australia +, writes (26 February 2008):

Sugarbuns agony auntYes you over-reacted big time. So step back and let's review this more clearly. First of all, remember she contacted him. It wasn't the other way around. Secondly, he's already indicated that when he's gone over there in the past, he's taken back up with him (sister's boyfriend). I don't think he'd ever consider sleeping with that psycho again, in fact I think he's a bit afraid of her. People with personality disorders can be dangerous when provoked or stressed. I think you're letting your insecurities color your view of what really happened that night and you became a bit psycho yourself. He's done nothing to indicate that he's got feelings for her. He's done nothing to show any interest in her whatsoever and in fact, he handled the situation appropriately by having his mother get the information for him. What you need to to is ask his sister to stop giving out his mobile number so quickly to this little freak just because she makes a few demands. But what's done is done. She has his number now, and there may be more phone calls to harrass him. You'd better come up with a strategy that will help you deal with it when she does otherwise you'll destroy your wonderful relationship with a guy who sounds like a dream.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

IN RESPONSE TO JENNA 34

I didn't know he had a girlfriend because NO-ONE KNEW he had a girlfriend. If you read my originaly message, I said he kept it secret coz she used to be a patient in his department and he was worried what people's reactions to that would be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

Hi Dazzerg,

How do I get it across to him how insecure it makes me feel without him thinking I am dragging up the past again? He has said to me before that he doesn't mind talking to me or reassuring me, but it annoys him when I accuse him.

About 4 weeks ago we spoke about her, and I asked him if he ever thinks about her. At 1st he said "No", then he said "well honestly yes I do. But it is thinking 'thank god I am out of that situation now'" as he said that he used to dread the weekends because she used to create an atmostphere in the house when he had his son over to stay (she was very jealous of his son, despite the fact that he tried explaining to her that it is a different kind of love to the one you have for a partner)

He said with me he cherishes every moment that we spend together because of how much fun we have together just us two and when we are with his son.

He said that she never wanted any part of it when his son was over coz she was jealous of their bond.

I am just feeling very cautious that I am somehow missing something and being niave in thinking that he is telling me the truth about his feelings for me in comparison to her.

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A female reader, jenna34 United States +, writes (26 February 2008):

Some things are contradicting themselves here and i don't understand how you can start a relationship for the first three months and it be a lie and then are supposed to trust him but it doesn't make much sense even what you say! that you have worked with him or something for six years and asked him out but didn't know he had a girlfriend! huh? I think you knew!!! You say the six years like you are establishing a history with him but you didn't know he had a girlfriend. Are you being for real? Girlfriend, be careful with this one! I don't get why you would think he is sleeping with her when you say he is at your house every night. Are you sure it's him you can't trust?

Someone's either being brainwashed here or just all little white lies along the way. You asked the question so I would tell you to start writing stuff down and once you two can agree on what has taken place then you can start fresh. My mom always warned me about boys who blamed their crazy exes but i think this one takes the cake!! You know what your in for! What a spazz! He's got his sister, her husband, his ex, his mom all involved because he couldn't get his stuff out, whatever, he's not fearful. If you love him go for it but keep a journal so you can keep your sanity. I'd be calling too if I were his ex, all his crap in my house!!

P.S. I even think the debt and warrants are normal compared to all that.

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A male reader, Dazzerg United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

Dazzerg agony auntI dont think you were necessarily wrong as excessive. I can understand his position vis a vie the bills and it is excessive to say that amounts to a desire to get back with her. However, your feeling that this maybe the case was no doubt prompted by his earlier duplicity so your position has an understandable side to it too. In taking another and doing all of this out in the open he has however done everything he can to reassure you.

I think the sweeping judgments on his character made by other posters are harsh to say the least. Involvement with somebody like that can be very sincere and draining, his replies to you were harsh too and that indicates how deep the emotional scars can run. It is natural that you should feel insecure and you should prehaps talk to your bf and reassure him that you have faith in him and look for him to reassure you. Good luck.

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A male reader, Dave70 United States +, writes (26 February 2008):

Dave70 agony auntmaybe i take offence to this whole thing that they are saying about the ex because i have battled clinical depression on and off my whole life and i know how it is to have people use that against you. Holding a lie 3mts is also a long time but u never said how u found out. i doubt he is cheating or still has it for his ex but all of his debt and problems are blamed on her bc she is borderline. he took his brother in law to get the rest of his belongings but he has still not taken care of it. maybe his family and him are right and she is crazy but it is not fair he puts all his problems off on her as he clearly has some problems himself like not taking responsibilty and acting like he is panicked when she text'd so why would the sister do that. what both of you said was bad but not too bad it cant be worked out. i just think cards need to be out on the table and he needs to get his mess cleaned up and be responsible for his part as it is not all his ex's fault. if all is true about the ex maybe you are not trusting bc you found out about him living with her not bc he told you.

i think u will feel better once he takes responsibilty for his part in it bc she cant be that crazy, she got help for herself, and it is easy to lable someone. how come u all the sudden felt this way and not b4?

it seems most of the time u respond to stuff like u r cought off guard by him and so that is why the cards need to be put onthe table. u have delt w all his stuff but u do one thing wrong and acuse him and he acts like that when u have been forgiving and patient the whole time. i think he needs to grow up but if u want him u will have to deal with a lot.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

In response to AskOldersister:

I said that to my boyfriend he didn't understand why his sister had done that either. I think she is also a little jealous of our relationship (but that's another story) as she has done things of this nature before.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

thanks for the advice, but I'm still confused.

I understand that he didn't behave with much integrety when he overlapped the two relationships without either of us knowing, but when I discussed this with him (after I'd 1st found out) he said that he knows what he did at the time was wrong, but he didn't want to lose me and thought if he was honest with me, I wouldn't have given him a chance. Somebody who knows him also told me that about 2 months before they split up he was panicking about ending things in case she told the people where he worked that they'd had a relationship. I don't think he would have got the sack but it would have been very embarrassing for him, to say the least.

Countless people have told me how she spoke to him like dirt, she was jealous of his son, she tried to isolate him from his family etc, etc. and I guess I could (or wanted to) see his reasons for leaving her for me.

But always in the back of my mind I'm thinking what if he leaves me for someone, even though he says he has never been this happy before.

The one thing I have learnt about him is that he is a bit of a non-confrontational type of person and his sister has told me before that he tends to just go along with things and hope for the best rather than think about tomorrow.

I'm really confused. I've never had a relationship that has fulfilled me and made me so happy before, yet I am concerned about his lack of integrety to be honest. It goes away sometimes in my mind (as I said I felt like i had started to trust him) then it comes back. But when I think of losing him I feel devestated.

I really don't know what else to do in this situation... I only found out about his relationship with her because she rung me - had got my number from one of his bills. He has now changed all of his addresses for correspondence but obviously this one had slipped through the net.

I am so confused. Will I ever have the clarity in my mind to know what to do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

I don't get this. What does rowing have to do with this? This is a boyfriend cheating with his ex. I am so confused.

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

Boonridge McPhalify agony auntyour lack of trust is an issue and you need to deal with it. it is why you have not got over the row as quickly as your boyfriend. his story sounds plausible given her personality issues (if he had left abruptly she might have tried to top herself-making the relationship unsatisfying and denying her attention over a constant time period to train her pavlov style may have been a given in order to starve the tumerous relationship of oxygen).if as you say he is "sensitive" (needing to help/love people in need her over the top ways may have called like a siren and the idealist fantasy may have overpowered the relism of logic) this all fits.

when people have had a sleep they often settle their mind on troubles. He is back to where he was before the arguement and so are you which is the problem. when you said you trusted him you didn't deep down and thats why you feel uneasy. the issue has not been resolved as he has pushed it to where he wants it to be-below deck.

sounds like a nice guy (too much of an emotional person to make reasoned detached descisions and scared of conflict) but you need to explain yourself to him without shouting and getting angry as his tendency will be to get offended easily so steer the conversation in a nice controllabe calm manner to reduce the bullshit factor (this is the rubbish that muddles the situation in place of truth).

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A female reader, red1982 United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2008):

I think you two can definately get over this problem. But first you need to apoligise to your boyfriend for accusing him of wanting to sleep with his ex. I admit he over reacted to you saying this but it must have really hurt him. Do you know what his ex girlfriend was like? It may be that she used to accuse him of this type of thing and he automatically over reacted to defend himself.

It's really hard to know that your partner doesn't trust you, and for you to say that you do - then take that back must have made him feel quite insecure in your relationship.

What your boyfriend needs to do is make sure that everything of his is gone from his exes house - he should have changed all of his bills over ages ago and this should be the kick up the bum that he needs to make sure that she has no need to contact him again. Get him to change his mobile number again so that she no longer has it, and get him to see if his sister will do the same. Get your boyfriend to text her (before he changes his number) and tell her to send anything that comes for him to the address as return to sender. It should only be junk mail if he has changed all the important documents

It sounds like this girl is deliberately finding things to contact him for (I have never heard of there being a warrant out for your arrest because of a bill) so please don't let her ruin your loving relationship with this man.

I hope you can wprk things out with him

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