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We have anal sex one time, and now he always wants it!

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 December 2010) 17 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

i am kinda having an issue that i don't know how to address. me and my boyfriend tried anal a couple weeks ago. i was afraid at first but i was surprised that i actually liked it. but the problem is now that seems to be all my an boyfriend wants! i don't mind doing it sometimes but every time we have sex now that's what he wants. i know he doesn't want kids any time soon and has mentioned he is afraid my birth control will fail again. (i got pregnant with my son on the pill) could this be why he wants coal all the time now? or could it be something else? and how do i tell him i don't want to do anal as much without making him feel bad?

View related questions: anal sex, the pill

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i would like to thank you all for your advice. i will keep you posted. much appreciated

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010):

yes i agree, i had the same with my ex-partner, once he went there, he wanted it more often, i just would'nt allow it , maybe once a month or so & he was fine with that, doesn't mean he didn't keep asking or trying tho.

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A male reader, ivanichiaynus United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

 ivanichiaynus agony auntThanks, Jilly. I'm sure you don't need telling that a lot of women's problems stem from having certain holes way too close together and it's best not to encourage these problems by mixing fluids up.

And as for "rimming", I've never understood the attraction thereand just look at the risks!

Sorry, off-topic.....

Ivan.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"Babe, I need to talk to you about something that has begun to bother me. I'm concerned if I don't address it now and make myself clear, you may wind up with assumptions that aren't true and I'll wind up resenting you. I don't want either those things to happen so I'm risking coming clean to you now to keep our relationship healthy.

It's about anal sex. I know we tried it recently and I was pleasantly surprised that I liked it. The thing is that it is not my favorite thing. In fact, it's really low on my list of sex activities. It makes me feel [you fill in the blank here--e.g. Uncomfortable, used, unappreciated]. Anal sex [blank to fill in--hurts, makes me feel like I'm pooping which is NOT sexy to me, makes my anus and rectum ache and hurt for days afterwards].

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm getting the sense you want it every time. I don't. It's okay once in a while, like every [blank] weeks or months, but most definitely NOT every time.

I know it's new and exciting for you and the sensations are different and all that for you. I'm not saying NEVER to anal sex, just not every single time. I don't want to start thinking that you are selfish and think only of yourself. I know you're not, I know you care deeply for me and want to make me happy too.

So I'm having this talk with you to prevent unhappiness and hurt feelings later. What do you think of what I've just shared with you?"

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Sex and relationships depend on good communication. You have to be clear and at the same time loving and supportive. You can do it, it just takes practice. Being honest about your very valid and real feelings doesn't mean that you are hurting his.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

I'm going to SUPPORT Agony Uncle 'ivanichiaynus' here, as I was in the medical profession, and most definitely back up the advice NOT to have anal sex without protection. The Gynaecologist who I worked with would often say anyone wanting to indulge in anal sex, should think very carefully about it, and take additional precautions as, and excuse my language, the man is basically ******g a S*** box.

Bare back does not mean you will without doubt pick up an infection but it does increase the chances, and more so for the female, Google it, ask your GP, as I know this is fact. Transferring the bacteria from the anus into the vagina is one all women should be careful about. This advice is also given in all sex manuals. As I would hope no woman who have oral sex with man who had just had anal sex with her without washing first - the bacteria in the anus is totally different to the vagina and mouth.

For the same reasons we wash our hands after defecating due to the risk of bad bacteria getting into the gut and causing infections. No one is saying don't have anal sex, if that's what you both want to do, but it does carry additional risks

that should be noted.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

"how do i tell him i don't want to do anal as much without making him feel bad?"

You say "I was surprised that I like it when we have anal sex but if I'm being honest, I don't like having it so often. Can we just have it now and again, is that ok?"

I'm sure he'll say fine. Problem solved.

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A male reader, ivanichiaynus United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

 ivanichiaynus agony auntI'm sorry, male anan, but if you doubt what I have said ask a health professional yourself - or any porn star that indulges in anal; that's why they get paid extra, for the risk.

Ivan.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

I only want to add to what has already been said on this topic. If you are having anal sex regardless of how clean you are, NEVER let him penetrate you vaginally afterwards, either without washing thoroughly first, or changing condoms.

As it's already been said, lots of unfriendly bacteria which can be transferred into the vagina, which could cause an infection. Having a break from it, is also a good idea, otherwise you could lose some sphincter tightness over time, resulting in some incontinence or breaking wind without being able to control it. When I worked in the medical profession, the latter were problems that people tended to present with after years of this practice, but hadn't known about initially.

Jilly

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

A lot of incorrect, or partially incorrect notions about anal sex here. The anus does NOT permanently loosen or stretch from anal sex. Anal sex is NOT linked to hemorrhoids. The guy will probably NOT get an infection from doing it bareback.

PLEASE, PLEASE...if you do not have licensing or degrees in the health sciences, please do not post warnings or advice based on heresay or wives tales. Instead, reccomend they see a specialist and leave it at that.

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A male reader, ivanichiaynus United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2010):

 ivanichiaynus agony auntIf he is indulging in anal sex without a condom, he is seriously at risk from infection as lots of unfriendly bacteria live up there, together with the fact that you could end up incontinent if you do it frequently.

If he IS wearing a condom for anal (he should) then he can do so for vaginal sex too and that would reduce his worries regarding pregnancy.

Ivan.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

Its the novelty of something new. Im sure over time if he does it enough he will get bored with that position all the time. Just tell him you like to mix it up and do different things or you will get bored with sex if thats ALL you ever do! As someone has already mentioned, do check the downside of anal sex. If you have a few facts to explain why you arent keen to do that sort of thing too regularly, he will understand and ease up on asking if hes a caring partner x

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A female reader, nicoleray143 United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

nicoleray143 agony auntIdk but give your ass sometime to tighten back up, anal sex that often isnt good, maybe like once a week or so but maybe you should take a different birth contol that is definitly 99% gonna be sure you cant get pregnant then see how he reacts to that.

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A female reader, QuirkLady United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

QuirkLady agony auntBe honest with him. Both of you should enjoy yourselves during sex.

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A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

I would read or ask a medical doctor before i continue anal sex. When I was growing up it was said anal sex leads to hemorrhoids:

http://www.hemorrhoidshemroids.com/anal-sex-and-hemroids-hemorrhoids.html

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A female reader, Mjfbla United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

Mjfbla agony auntthat just feels better for the guy. Thats prolly why. just b honest

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A female reader, xanthic United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

xanthic agony auntThe best thing to do is be honest. Tell him you enjoyed it, but would prefer it to be something you do occasionally, not all the time. There are plenty of other things you can do, and if he's really concerned about the pill failing, he can wear a condom as an extra precaution.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

I dont kno what to tell you girl... but i could have told your story word for word... im in the same stiuation and i kno exactly how you feel.

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