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We don't have sex. Is divorce the answer?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2006) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

my husband and I have been having marital problems. We have been to a counsellor but nothing has changed. We don't have sex. I think it's been 3 months now. He never wants it, and I think it's because he's afraid of not performing, which has happened several times. I have tried to be patient, understanding but it's really getting to me. I am thinking of divorce, other men, etc. I don't want to. I love my husband. What else can I do? I sex really that important to a relationship? Please help.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (1 April 2006):

smeedle agony auntSex is important in a relationship on that we agree but it is not the main thing, love and understanding are high up on the list of things that are far more important.

You have a good idea why he does not want sex so get him to seek help, find articles in magazines or on the net that are about his problem and ask him to read them, if he wont then shock him into getting help by telling him what you have told us or let him read it.

If this is the only issue then give it some more time and work with him to resolve it, but if as I suspect there is more going on then write back and update me.

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A female reader, BluntBabe +, writes (31 March 2006):

I think it's awesome that you're a woman with a natural, healthy appetite for sex. First off, I want to commend you on that.

Second, I do agree that three months without sex feels like an eternity, but for many marriages, that's nothing. My own parents didn't have sex for years. I don't think that that's fine, however... I just think that you need to give your marriage a lot more time before you start considering divorce.

If you guys really do love each other and everything is great other than the sex frequency, and you really do suspect it's because your husband is afraid of performing, the best thing you can do is let him relax. My own boyfriend and every other guy I've known gets really psychologically disturbed every time he has difficulty performing. And it's like telling someone not to think about the pink elephant in the room. When they have sex, they start worrying about if they're going to do well, and poof! the erection is gone, and it contributes to the neurosis. So, I know that its not what you want to hear right now, but if sex is your only problem, stop going to counseling, and stop talking to him about it, and even for the next couple of weeks, don't even come on to him. It will give him time to forget about the neurosis he has given himself. After a couple of sex-and-innuendo-free weeks, then, DO NOT PRESSURE HIM, but start wearing sexier things around him, bending down to pick stuff up, stuff like that. Nothing direct. He might finally come on to you of his own accord. And once he performs well again, he'll feel much better.

good luck!

Blunt

bluntadvice.blogspot.com

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

No divorce isn't the answer..at least not yet. You are both together so I do detect a sliver of committment here. Going to counseling tells me both of you are motivated to make it work. Every relationship is different. Some survive with little or no sex, dependant on the attitudes of the two people involved. Many women/men get caught in that notion, that sex is something they have to do. Sex is a gift that spouses freely give each other. In many marriages, the husband has a greater sexual appetite than his wife. He is constantly looking for a window to initiate. This is not the case with you and your husband, however. If you are the type of woman who loves having sex, this could be a problem eventually in your marriage. On the other hand, if you feel you can live with less of it and are content the way it is, I see no problems, here. Sometimes a loving marriage based on mutual respect, trust and friendship is good enough for many loving couples. But if you want sex and your husband is experiencing libido problems, perhaps start with your GP as there is an endless list of medical factors that could causing this.

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A female reader, Juliette United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2006):

Juliette agony auntFirst of all I would need to know if he has seen his GP and if preliminary blood tests have been done to exclude physiological problems can could mean either he does not have an erection, or has lost his sex drive, or both?

If he has, then there are some treatments available, but GPs unfortunately often take loss of sex drive less seriously without considering relationship implications.

I don't know if he can talk to YOU about it. Sounds daft, but not all couples find it easy to talk about sex/need for sex etc. as it is more embarrassing than actually having sex.

If you leave me a reply I will try to advise further. I am a nurse and deal with sexual health.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

try an open marriage

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

I have been married for 10 years and dealing with my husband´s sexual problem that is: precocious ejaculation. He always saids that is me that because we don´t have sex often, he has that problem, and is not that. He doesn´t accept the fact that he suffers from that & doesn´t want to seek help not advice. I think as you: divorce him, have a affair with another man, etc...Sex in some way is not that important in your married life, is living day by day with that same person. But for you to understand & keep your marriage, you should make him go to receive medical help. Maybe someone can help him and if not, then you should think what´s best for you. Good Luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

Is everything else OK in your relationship? What is missing is a full understanding of what is behind this problem. Has there been a change or has he always been a bit uninterested? Sexual dysfunction can occur because of medical problems (which he can discuss with his doctor), relationship difficulties or stress caused by external worries like work and money. Hopefully you are close and feel secure about discussing these things. There are so many things that could have happened and you won't know how to tackle the problem until you know the cause. It can be psychological, failing to have satisfactory sex once can lead to worry about it happening again, which does make it happen again and so continues the cycle. I worked in a hospital where we started up a sex therapy clinic and there was a wonderful counsellor. Nothing seedy, just understanding, discussion, and she usually solved the problem (if it was psychological) by giving people "homework" to do as a couple. This involved being banned from certain activities and brought back to basics, slowly moving through levels together. Apparently people need to have these boundaries set by another person or they just fall back into the habits they already had. If you want to get therapy get help from a sex therapist (not a general couples counsellor) as they usually work alongside other specialists such as urologists (who can request tests or medication such as viagra)and general doctors. It is worth checking that the therapist has these contacts working alongside. I hope you get the answers that you need soon and can find your way forward.

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