A
female
age
36-40,
*urpleprincess
writes:Ok so this is kinda long winded so bear with me on this. Bout 2wks I put a post on this site az iv been with my boyfriend 7yr living with him for 5yr just got engaged this xmas eve just gone. We have our arguments problems etc just like all relationships but what I'm finding hard to deal with lately is his bad attitude towards me since the engagement. Thers a 9yr age gap I'm 23 and he's 32 so naturally he sees me as not his equal because I'm younger and less experienced. Even tho this isn't the case I'm a mother of 3 and I have a sensible health look on life. But no matter who we discuss from life work future etc, my opinion is always wrong so as you can imagine this man thinks himself very knowlegable even tho he is to a certan degree he's not always right coz its not possible to be. But he does things wrong and refuses to except fault or even apologise and the blame then is placed soley on me. Apparently I'm wrong 99.9% of the time. I find this insulting and offensive as he's trying to make out I'm stupid immature etc. I'm not a partier I don't lead a imature care free life and I'm very sensible and acording to evryone else I'm very mature beyond yrs for my age and as a result my closes friends are at least 5yrs older so I can't understand y my partner has such lack of respect for my opinion. I'm starting to beleve I'm as useles as he says I am. But I'm aparently capable of washing his clothes cooking his meals etc. Is he sexist? Or ignorant of my opinion? Iv tried disgusing this issue with him but as usual I'm imagining a problem that isn't there. How can I get threw to him and get him to start caring and acepting my opinion may be diferent than his but it doesn't make me wrong all the time. Pls help any advice or coments. Its starting to eat away at my self worth! Is it realy that hard as a man to acept your not always right?
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female
reader, purpleprincess +, writes (21 February 2010):
purpleprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah thanks miamine I will keep an eye on this post xx
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
 OK, checked your previous posts, and yes, you do sound like a sensible lady.
Your example is a good one, about him being two faced and hypocritical. What's right for him is wrong for you, and black is white in his world just because he says it is.
Don't think you can change him honeypie, I don't think this is an age thing, I think it's his personality, that's the way he is. When you point out how unfair he's being, he just turn's it around, "your doing this to get back at me", and continues to be unreasonable.
He sounds like a competitive man who can never admit to being wrong and always has to be right. I got a very good man friend who is like this. It dose me head in, seriously, he gives me headaches. No matter how logically I talk or how calm I am, he'll always find another argument or say that I'm wrong. Yes, there's a 10year age difference between us as well.
I've given up trying to be right with him. It's just not worth the bother or the argument. What I like doing now is taking the piss out of him, laughing at him, whilst agreeing all the time. So if he says the sky is red, I'll agree and say it's not only red, but it's got pink spots as well. He is never wrong, I agree with what he says, then ignore him and go off and do whatever I want to do.
I think that's what you might have to do with this guy. He's being unreasonable, he's argumentative, but I don't think he can change. One book I read said, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy and at peace?" It's a good strategy that many women use. We don't disagree with stubborn men, because there is no use, they never listen and it just makes argument and noise... Far better to say "yes darling, I got it all wrong, lets forget about it now, it's not worth fighting about."
You got to go and do your thing, he got to go and do his. Yep there was a little argument and he refused to see how unfair he was being. That's just his way, his personality. It won't change, so if you love him, you'll have to find a way to deal with it. He has to be right, each and everytime, he can never admit to being wrong.
Sorry, not much help. Here are some wikianswers, for winning arguments in a safe and helpful way...
http://www.wikihow.com/Win-Your-Man-Back
http://www.helium.com/items/1506603-how-to-win-an-argument
Number one thing.. is it worth arguing with him, especially when you know he can never back down? Tackle this behaviour at a time when he's happy, calm and relaxed. Tell him how it feels to have him put you down and ask why he never feels the need to apologise to you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
Sorry sweetheart, didn't forget you.. bit more warmed up now.. coffee and I'll be back, but I really don't have any solutions to this thing, just explanations about the way I see him.
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A
female
reader, purpleprincess +, writes (21 February 2010):
purpleprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah thanks miamine I will keep an eye on this post xx
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
No, it wasn't an essay, it shed more light on how this guy thinks. So he doesn't even play fair when you use the spoon technique. Thanks for the update, I'm thinking and I'll get back to you. Hopefully some aunts and uncles have some more ideas. Like you said, you do have time, but I have a feeling this man can't be changed.
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A
female
reader, purpleprincess +, writes (21 February 2010):
purpleprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi so to update you on the situation I'm aware that conversation techneques work well and have already study into these. Even the only speak when your holding a wooden spoon az not to interupt eachother but to no avail. He will NOT open his mind to the posibility of sometimes being wrong about things so its imposible to have a sensible balanced disgustion about things it seriously is like talking to a brick wall for example a recent insident to explain more what a typical debate can go like. His friends live 3hr drive away so even tho he has friends in this town he stil goes bk to visit them so this I will say can I come with you would be a nice mini break plus I got friends up north I would like to visit. He wil say next time hun its a boys wkend best mates stag do etc. So I say ok next time sounds gud have a nice time. So maybe a wk or two later I say I'm going away for 2days to visit family and he wil say can I come and I say next time thers no room in the car I'm taking kids and sister. He wil say I'm out of order but wen I bring to atention the two wk before when he left me behind and that sometimes couples spend time apart (keep in mind we only spend a nights a year apart as we live together) he will say oh so your doing it to get back at me and its not the same thing. Like if he does something to anoy or upset me I have to take it coz I'm obviously being mardy or in the wrong but when the exact same thing hapens to him and the shoes on the other foot its 100times worse than when he did it to me. I don't neseserily want to break up as apart from this comunication thing all else is great but its starting to be sufocating always being treated like an emotional or irational idiot when all I'm trying to do is get my viewpoint across. Ther isn't a wedding date set yet not in to much of a rush we got the rest of our lives but I know if I can work out how to solve this one our relationship wil only get stronger. Any more advice coments pls x miamine very interested on your view again with the new info if it helps shed any light sorry again for the essay x
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2010):
Yes, this is the problem with age gap between partners, the older partner can sometimes think they know everything and discard what you say. You need to change your voice, and find a way to say things in a way which will make him feel smaller, or at least force him to listen.
You have 3 children, well how do you talk to them when they are rude, refuse to listen, or start to behave like brats. Use the same voice on him, because clearly he is acting like an idiot and trying to treat you like a kid.
Please also look on the web for articles on "body language" and "communication styles", or "how to always win arguments". A good book for you to read is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey.
Study and change the way you react, this will surprise the hell out of him, and to stop himself looking foolish, he will have to change the way he behaves. Look at some of the powerful successful women on television. How do they act when they are treated unfairly because of their sex or their age. Do they shout, cry, or do they get cold and proud.
If he doesn't change.. make the engagement a long one until you sort this problem out. Man makes you feel small, the school teachers/mother's finger is always a good put down to use.. Your self worth is your own, do not be silly enough to try to judge yourself by what a man or the world thinks, if you do this, of course you'll be small because you won't be strong and independent.
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A
female
reader, Yarou  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 well there are a lot of people just like him dont be surprised my brother is the same as him but you have to tell him everything you think. from your heart tell him how you feel about him and how you were feeling for the last couple of weeks/months/years.
but before starting the conversation ask him to NOT to interrupt ok?
goodluck xx
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