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The responsibilities of caring for our kids are exhausting me, and my husband NEVER helps out...

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 October 2005) 4 Answers - (Newest, 20 November 2005)
A female , anonymous writes:

I am bringing this question to you while I am at my lowest of lows. I have just recently had a newborn, before that my husband and I just decided to home school my 7 year old son.

I am a stay at home, sleep deprived mom who homeschools and takes care of a newborn. My son needs to be homeschooled and obviously my newborn needs me 24/7.

My husband does not pick up a finger to help with my newborn. He has fed her maybe 2-4 bottles in her 2 months of life.

For about 2 weeks he would homeschool my son for 2-3 subjects in the morning to help me out. But I had to have everything prepared for him to do that.

Now he is not doing that either. He does nothing in the house. My husband's job is not physical, he is on call. So a lot of time he is at home, watching me work, and saying he is "ON CALL" so he can't help me. While he watches soaps, or plays computer games.

To top it off I have Rheaumatoid arthritis, which is exhausting already...on top of the sleep deprivation of dealing with a newborn.

For example, today he went to a movie, which he has done before because it is his day off. I am the one who is ALWAYS in the house, he doesn't even give me a minute to get a shower and watch the kids so I couldn't really go out anyway.

Last night he told me he has NO sex drive, not towards me or any female. That is the one thing that was keeping me semi satisfied, because he has always complimented me and made me feel attractive because he was soooooo sexually attracted to me.

Could this be stress that he has no sex drive?

I know it sounds stupid when I say I know he loves me. He has always been lazy. I have just come to a breaking point because I am now not getting ANYTHING from him. I need some advice QUICK!!! (sorry this is so long, there is really so much more I could tell you!!!)

View related questions: a break, sex drive, video games

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A female reader, Bea +, writes (20 November 2005):

I know my answer is very late, but after reading your story I though I had to add to my view. I do not understand why you homeschool your 7 year old. Both you and your husband made that decision and now it's your own baby. Send your child back to school, you have enough on your plate with a small baby already. Make life easier for yourself. Get rid of the tv. You don't have the time to watch it anyway, that will give your husband more free time to help out at home. Feed yourself and the children when he is not around and when he asks for food then list all the things you have done for the day and tell him you had no time to cook supper. Let him cook his own food. Go away for home for a couple of hours and leave him to take care of the kids. That will give him time to bond with them and to realise the extend of the responsibility.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005):

This is just plain wrong.It is because women ALLOW men to have such a behavior that they never change...think that you are raising a son, and showing him that it is o.k for men to sit on their butts while their wives are caring for the children and home.You are just helping to perpetrate the same pattern over and over.We are in the 21st Century!Men act this way because they CAN. You are enabling him to go on with his behavior by not DOING anything about it.Complaining will get you nowhere, you need to act in a way that gives him no other choice but helping out or getting out. I like the idea that was suggested of having someone move in to help,like a mother, or sister, or a friend.Kick him out for a little while, if he is of little help to you,he won't be missed that much anyway.If you are exhausted, you need to make it a priority to get some rest.You don't say if he acted like this with your 7 year old? Is this a pattern that is being repeated? The earlier you address this issue, the better.I personally know women who were in the same boat you were in.They took the quasi entire responsibilities of taking care of the kids and home, and they suffered from severe depression to exhaustion, while the husband didn't even notice,even when they were voicing out their tiredness and sadness.No woman deserves to be treated the way you are treated after having put a child into this world.You owe it to you and your children to be treated with dignity and equity.It must be difficult to find the energy to be tough, but you must speak a language your husband understands, and apparently, nagging him, voicing your complaints hasn't helped so far.It's time to put your foot down.If your kid is homeschooled, then stop schooling him completely for as long as you can.Stop cooking or cleaning.Do the bare minimum and see if your husband picks up the slack.If not, you will know that he does not care enough for his family to put some effort into the caring of his children.If it was a work situation and he was slacking that way, he would be fired.He would NEVER act that way at work, from fear of being kicked out.He doesn't fear anything from you, so he keeps on doing as he pleases. I hope you will be able to find the strength to address his laziness and callousness.I am sure it is not easy for you to give him an ultimatum, but you have to speak a language he can understand.That's my 2 cents.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005):

This is all very unfair to you! Everybody can change, if they want to. It sounds like he better get busy and change, because it you are exhausted, fed up (with good reason) and your marriage is sinking. He will only do what he is used to doing and no more. Many people will not like this word, but your husband is 'untrained', dear. Most of us women have been trained from childhood, to see and respond to chores, including raising the kids and looking after the house. Sasdly, not all men have had that training, growing up. People do not change deeply ingrained patterns easily, even with the best of intentions. It takes re-training and lots of support and patience. Solution? Clearly stated expectations, is the key. It's is time to sit down with him and put all the chores on a list, and let him know what responsibilities he has. Discuss with him what he feels he can handle and what he can't or won't do, will need to be hired out. Talk about what you could use for help, too. Negotiate! Show your husband how to do the chores. You would be surprised how little people know about household chores. A housecleaning crew could be in your future!

The point is for him to take the load off you. Surprise him with reward for helping you and let him know you appreciate what he's done. Pick something he would like- Perhaps an afternoon of golf, going to the movie, dinner out-but make sure the deal is, you hire a babysitter and the two of you do this together. This solution may be initially expensive but the wear and tear on your nerves and the marriage will make it money well spent. In a few months, these good habits will be ingrained in him, you'll be working together as a team and that will will build communications and intimacy that is floundering in your marriage. Trying this is a postive way rather than getting angry, nagging and making him feel resentful.

If all else fails dear, you may consider marriage and family counseling. I think you both owe it to those children to get yourselves into marital therapy, and if needed, individual counseling. It sounds like you love this man, but do something, because ignoring this problem will only worsen. Nip it in the bud before your marriage ends up in a divorce court because at this rate, you are losing all honor & respect for him and that is a crucial for any marriage. Good luck and take care of yourself and keep being a good Mom! You sound wonderful.

Hugs, Irish

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005):

Hi, Im reall ysorry to hear about your situation. It is just soooo wrong that many men think that leaving their wife to do everything is OK.

I too had a similar sitaution to you in that my husband never lifted a finger. The worse part is when it is referred to as helping us......HELLO dont they realise you can be helping someone else when it is actually your responsibility as much as theirs......Your situation is difficult and to be honest unlikly to change (soory I dont want to be negative )

Is it possible that a family member or friend takes his place as a support person that you deserve (as he clearly is failing here). Ask hm to move out temporarily and get Mum or sis to move in to assist you. Maybe at the same time you could clearly assess whether you want him back.....

I know this may sound harsh but this is exactly what I did.....and even with 4 kids under ten my load fel so much lighter without hubby..I guess because I didnt have to deal with the everyday resentment of watching him sit on his but while I worked....Anyway life is very good without him and 5 years on.........

Guys need to wake up and realsie that the experience of being pregnant, giving birth and caring for even one newborn ios worth more than 2 full time jobs......Many just have NO clue.....Best wishes.....and remember.......You and all women deserve better than this....

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