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Should I seek therapy after this break up?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 September 2023) 2 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2023)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Should i go to therapy 2 months after my break up.

Hi everyone, its sucks having to come back to this site cause it means im in trouble again. This time, i need help with coping with my feelings.

Around april this year i met a very lovely girl during a DnD she started. She was the DM and I just joined cause she was looking for players. We hit it off really well for a good while. In june we actually started to consider ourselves dating. Though it quickly turned sour. As soon as we started she started going through her period. Said it was the worst time for her. We didnt do any of our daily calls like we did once she started.

I dont know if it is just me not handling my emotions right or an intense fear of being abandoned but i thought she was avoiding me. I confronted her about it and it didnt go well. I asked her why didnt feel like coming to talk to me but was okay playing games with her friends and not me. She said she was in immense pain and didnt want to deal with me. We stopped talking for 3 days after that. The days inbetween were soo stressful for me. I literally turned to cigarettes and weeds to try and calm my nerves cause i was soo anxiety ridden of being abandoned like others have done to me before.

On the 3rd day we would have to speak with each other cause our DnD session was on thursdays. My friend tried to help on thursday easing me into it by putting us in a discord call together and it felt like it was working. Though the moment my friend left she followed behind in the middle of a conversation we were having and i took that as a sign.

When DnD came later that day, i got to ask her privately if wanted me around. She said she did but to her it was like DnD was a way to escape our real world problems and focus entirely on that( i understand the idea thatwe shouldnt have brought our relationship problems to our game to have fun) but i felt like i was expected to keep my mouth shut and just pretend the last few days didnt happen. I decided to leave right before it started. I couldnt handle the pressure anymore and cut her off completely. She called me privately that she just wanted to spend time playing DnD and forgetting about her troubles. Though to be i couldnt be in the same room with some one who expect me to act a certain way without asking. Her last words in that conversation was "Men" in a very snide remark.

After that a week goes by and i try my absolute best to just forget it and move on. But i found myself routinely looking at her discord profile in the mutual friends server we were still in together. I kept seeing her status change and at some point i thought she was insulting me (i think i was getting into my own head). I asked my friend about removing her but they went and asked her if she could leave. She came right back to me angry that i even got our friend involved in this. I personally only asked since it wasnt my server to begin with and i didnt think shed even speak to me again She tells me i couldve asked her to leave but now that she wouldnt. Saying how selfish i was thinking of only how i felt and not the pain she was going through. Honestly i felt the same way toward her (most likely i was being absolutely selfish)

After that i knew it was completely over with her. I tried to move on. I knew in my head that she would never want to speak to me so i kept pressing on with my days working with my head down and doing whatever i could to keep my head occupied. This is where my current problems start. Eventually i cant even think of a new relationship without her in my mind. Like she was almost everything i ever wanted but i fumbled it hard. Every time i wanted to share something it would be with her, i wanted to try something i wanted to tell her. I couldnt get the routine i started with her out of my head and to this day i still cant. I even tried a month later to see if shed take me back atleast as a friend but she said she wanted nothing to do with me as i not only betrayed her trust but the trust of everyone in the DnD group. I know its over. I moved on but somedays its harder than others and i just start thinking about her. Its hurts to so much i start thinking about my problems and asking myself questions

Did i mess up cause i cant control myself?

Are my fears that deep rooted?

Do i have abandonment issues?

Are they really that serious?

Should i get into a relationship again?

If i do with who?

Even if i did decide try again, how long until somebody accepts me again?

I have so many questions in my head its starting to hurt me both mentally and emotionally. Ive started to try and pick up hobbies like dance classes and exercising. The thoughts go away while working, or do anything else but is the moments inbetween are when the thoughts come back.

Sometimes the emotional pain has become too much to bear that ive cried both to sleep, and in my sleep. Which both have never happened before to me.

I was wondering if i should seek therapy for this problem of mine. Ive toughed it out so far in life. My friends say ill get over this and that i will heal but i feel like all these pains and fears are something deep rooted. I havent gone to therapy in a long while (about 5 years maybe) and if i budget my new income i should be able to do it. I just dont know how to work on my mental state by myself. I try to improve my body and my keep myself busy but i just cant still feeling this overwhelming sadness the even moment i think about what happened, a new relationship, or even the thought of talking to some one about the new things im doing.

Should i try to get therapy?

View related questions: move on, period, player

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (9 September 2023):

Myau agony auntYes you desperately need therapy.

But for your self loathing issues. You need to work on you before you can get involved in another relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2023):

I am a therapist, have been for many years, full time. You can have a serious fear of being abandoned. There was a lady in Australia who was so scared her husband would leave her she murdered him because she could not stand worrying about it 24 7.

To be honest asking a lot of people who do not know about such things and are not qualified therapists is not a good idea. You need to stick to people who know what you are talking about. That way they are on the same wavelength and will make sense if they reply. Most people are totally out of their depth with such questions.

The short answer is yes you need a therapist, face to face, and it will take time. Until that is done any relationship you try to get into or make last will go wrong. Your fears will ruin it each time. You and only you can stop that happening. You need to pay a professional. Nobody can wave a magic wand or come up with some off the cuff amateur solution.

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