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She's engaged but my boyfriend checks out her facebook page every day

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My bf n I have been dating for about 4 yrs now. We r both college grads n about to start professional schools. We have a solid relationship but one thing has always bothered me. My bf either has a crush or really really likes one of his friends from high school. Hes always talked good about her and ive noticed that when hes bored or not busy he goes on her fb pg about once a day. Hes told me before that he used to like her and wanted to date her in high school but they ended up becoming really good friends n he said it got kind of awkward at that point to date her. Now shes engaged n is going to married nxt yr. He nvr talks to her or messages her, but ge goes on her fb page like i mentioned above. I just dont like the fact that he does that and ive talked to him about it, which is when he gets a little defensive n tells me he thinks of her as a friend. Am i overthinking this? We r very close n i know that he knows i truly care for him but it still bothers me. I don't mention her too much to him bc I don't want him to feel like im super jealous or taking him away from his friends.

Please advise. Thanks guys!!

View related questions: crush, engaged, facebook, jealous

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016):

Just wanna share an experience. I actually ended up finding out about my friend "the one that got away" to see if we can be more than friends. This was 10 yrs after college. He had dated girls but was never in a long term relationship that I knew of. I had the same bf after college. But it wasn't until much later, through a friend, that I learned he had a crush on me. For the longest time, I did too. But we NEVER seriously talked about it and I ended contact with him. Until a personal tragedy happened in my life, and he popped up.

Long story short, it didn't end well. By then, apparently my ending contact with him had "hurt" him and it took forever for him to move on. And he's said that he has and that it was too late for us to try. I had broken up with my bf when I realized that my feelings for my friend never truly went away. in the end, my friend and i had both waited for the other to reveal our real feelings but then it was too late when we both realized we loved each other. Our goodbye really hurt, We said some very hurtful things, he didn't want to leave me that day but I knew I needed to walk away and just end it. We stopped being friends. We married other people after that. I think he found his happiness with that girl.

Sometimes events will just let things unfold to where it should be. You can hasten your relationship's path by questioning him about this OR you can just let things unfold. Because it will, eventually. Enjoy and remind your bf the greatest thing about your relationship, about you. But to keep your relationship strong, you have to trust in your bf. Go with your gut, it is usually never wrong. I was right with mine.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's weird that he's stalking her page, so it does sound like "the one that got away", which isn't inherently "bad", but I can understand why you don't like it. I'm not a jealous person, but this would frustrate me, so I don't know if I could be with someone who did this every day - I'd feel odd that he wanted to check up on her daily because he "sees her as a friend", but not even send her a message, like friends do.

I'm not worried about her; she seems to be living her life, unaware that she should block him.

His habit, whilst not necessarily harmful to your relationship's fidelity, is something that should stop. Try asking him why, without accusing him of anything, he looks at her page daily and doesn't send her a message. Then ask him how he'd feel if you checked up on an old crush daily.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (30 May 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntHe's obviously still not over his crush on her. Its like one of those "what if" situations and there's no doubt he's romanticizing the whole thing. Why else would he check her Facebook page specifically on a daily basis?

Sometimes people have the "one that got away" person in their lives. She seems to be that person for your boyfriend.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 May 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWhy not ask him again? Without accusing him of anything.

I think for some it becomes a habit to check up on certain people in our lives and for the most part I think it's OK. But EVERY day? That seems excessive and I would bring it up.

Friends don't check up on "friends" on a daily basis, IF they aren't really friends any more and no longer talks to each other then what exactly is he looking for?

Maybe even ask him if he would question YOUR motivation if you looked up a guy you had had a crush on in the past.

However, I would perhaps not focus so much on it, HE is with you and have been for 4 years. SHE is about to be married. So there might be some lingering "HS crush" feelings going on, but if he REALLY wanted more, don't you think that he would have acted on it already?

My guess is she friend-zoned him and he didn't wholly got over it. Or he DID get over it, but still feel a need to stalk her page.

Would I be worried? Nah. If all he does is look, I don't see the big deal. It's just Facebook after all.

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