A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I would appreciate advice and opinions about this. I am now beginning to believe that there is a high possibility of my H’s emotional affair being physical as well. Just this past weekend (Friday), he said he would spent the night at his parents’ home after a meeting he was attending nearby to his parents' home and he came back the following day wearing the same clothes he had been wearing the previous day. This is very unusual of him to come back wearing the same clothes because he has spare clothes at his parental home. I don’t know, maybe I am over analysing things but he again went away the following day to spend the night at his parents’ but he came back the following day wearing different clothes. What makes me suspicious about the Friday incident is that when I checked his cell phone, I discovered that he had called the other woman that same night immediately after his meeting. I found several calls made later on towards noon the following day by both of them. One other thing I have observed in the past with regards to their communication pattern is that it is intense whenever he or I am away from home and more so in the late afternoons. I must say I was actually shocked to discover they are still in contact because H pretends nothing is going on anymore between them. I have since realised all this time he could have been deleting his calls and texts to her. I did not confront him about my discovery on the phone nor ask him why he wore the same clothes because I am trying to get concrete evidence. Do you think what I have stated above could be enough reason to suspect that he is having both emotional and physical affair with the other woman? A bit background info. H has been involved in several emotional affairs throughout our marriage (13 years). I discovered this last one in March this year, separated 2 monhts and again reconciled. After reconciling, in July I discovered he was still in contact with other woman. I then decided to separate again. All this time he has been working on logistics to move out. Then on Sunday, he hastily decided it was time he moves out now, all is ready for him to move out. He really took me by surprise I must say.Packed his bags and left. So, separation has started. Meanwhile I made decision to move on but still battling in my mind whether to make this just a long term separation (without divorce) or permanent separation (divorce). I realised that for it to be permanent I need concrete evidence. I would appreciate any thoughts and advice please. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): I’m the OP again. Just want to add that I have also come across several resources about personality disorders and I can't help but feel that my H matches some of the personality disorder traits they describe (borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality). When I read experiences of other women whose spouses were diagnosed with these disorders, it feels like they were telling my own story, you know. I know that these should be diagnosed by the doctor and that is the only way I can know for sure, but I can't help but feel he suffers from these disorders. My main concern/worry about this is the fact that I can't help but think of what he is capable of doing once he gets so enraged about something. I know a side of him that my family and other people are not aware of but his family are aware of. Sometime in the past years (actually a year in to our marriage), he bought a gun and gave it to his father. He said he gave his father in order to protect himself against his step-son who he had serious quarrels with at the time. So, honestly I can’t help but worry about what he might do to me and the kids or even himself if this whole separation/divorce thing gets to him. Anyone who has gone through similar experiences, please share.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): (IM the OP).Thanks to all for the responses. Actually what has been said by the last poster is exactly what I have been thinking to do. I was planning to call the girl and tell her that she can have him with all his baggage. I also plan to tell hubby the same thing. I have embarked on a mission to lovingly detach from H, by the time he wakes up, it will be a little too late. No more anybody's doormat, I ve been made a fool enough. Focus is solely on me and my 2 boys.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): He has cheated over the 13 years u have been together. Now he has proven its not only emotional but physical.
U know the woman, phone her up: tell her she can have your hb. After all she had him without permission but now u are giving her permission. Then tell his family and her family and friends too.
Do not go quietly. U have been your hbs fool for too long. U has lied repeatedly and now he is bailing so now u do what is good for u.
Proper divorce not just a separation. If u have kids get a good maintenance. Be wise, strategic and without emotions. Be proactive.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): God I wish I didn't have first hand experience with this, my gut says, trust your gut....My huz and I have been going thru this for the last two years...you can check phone records, hire a P.I....but I smell a rat and I think he's cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2011): Why do you want to stay with some one who obviously has no respect for you. Maybe because you don't value yourself enough. Get real, move on - don't accept his 'crumbs' find someone who will value YOU! But first you must do that yourself.Google baggage reclaim and get help from there....
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 This one is absurdly easy. He's cheating on you. It's over. He's moved out. He's sleeping with her. If he's decided suddenly that he's moving out, it's a done deal.
You do not need evidence. Emotional cheating is cheating. What more do you need? You're only trying to nurse your denial at this point, because you do NOT need a neon "I'm cheating" sign over his head.
You have concrete evidence of his emotional affairs. You have concrete evidence that he is in contact with a girl after you reconciled. This is enough to make it permanent, get it? You're terrified of being alone, hence the whole "temporary separation, reconciliation, waiting from July to November after he confirmed that he's still in contact with her". He is playing you for a fool and hedging his bets that he can do whatever he wants because you're too terrified to make the break.
Drop him and find a guy who won't have emotional affairs! There's nothing hard about that! He's using your domesticity and comfort while playing around with other women. Time to make the break. You don't need the neon sign. You don't need the "smoking gun". Everything you have confirmed is more than enough reason to make it permanent. Anything else is sticking your head in the sand.
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