A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 6 years. She has 3 children from a previous marriage. I love them dearly. My wife thinks that my family hasnt shown them love. I will say my mom has told the kids that she would do things with them and it has never happened for various reasons. We heard that my brother had said a few years back that he "hated" my youngest. However at Thanksgiving my brother and wife had a pow-wow and it was resolved. My dad went and borrowed a good amount of money and built me and my family an apartment when i lost my job a few years back. My wife still thinks that my family doesnt want her a part of my life. Now my wife checks my cell phone records to see if i have contacted my brother or mom or dad. She told me today that i must choose her or my family? I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 OP. it's not fair to narrate your story in a totally one-sided manner. I didn't respond to your question earlier because in these marriage squabble issues, spouses like painting themselves innocent and the other person a total monster. Now that I've read both sides of the story, I can't help but feel sorry for your wife. Any man who lets his family insult or degrade his wife is spineless and has no respect for their wife's dignity.
I know one man who couldn't stand up for his wife when his parents had subjected her to ceaseless torture. She suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and eventually had amnesia. Her life was ruined. Even today, after 30 years, she hasn't recovered from the let-down. He memory is still impaired and she remembers all the indignities she was subjected to. She suffers from chronic debilitative depression. Even her children have been affected by their father's family because their spite and hatred filtered down to the children as well. It's pure hell. How do I know? I'm the child and the woman is my mother.
A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Stop and breath people! Ok, on these types of websites you should take all responses with a gran of Salt. No one knows hte full story other than you.
I think you both need to talk and maybe get a family counsellor involved.Before anymore hurt is caused by anyone.
I will leave you with one thought. The best thing about marriage is that someone will be in your corner and stand up for you no matter what.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, sissygirl20 +, writes (19 April 2012):
It's the wife again, the affairs by my husband of course, and really people, when did it become ok for an innocent child to be hated i mean the only thing my son was guilty of was idolizing his uncle, wow yea thats grounds to hate a child? Yea and if by resolving our issues you mean he gets invited to come spend christmas with his family leaving me and my kids alone for christmas then yea its really resolved! The whole phone checking thing came from my husband telling me he agreed with me that his family was wrong and he was tired of them treating us this way and he wasnt gonna have anything else to do with them, that was his choice first and foremost, as i was looking at our account i seen where he was still talking to them, so i ask had he talked to them and he lies to me and tells me no... So see its not at all me, and i feel like i needed to get on here and give my 2 cents, i mean after all there is always 2 sides to every story!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): haha this is too funny, im the wife and what my hisband failed to mention is the multiple affairs,lies, and deceiit! I am not welcome at his family get togethers because i refuse to be disrespected or let my kids be disrespected! His family only wants a relationship with him, not us as a family! The money? that has been repaid many times over with many thanks as well!Its sad that my husband has to get on somthing like this to get sympathy from strangers, and that would be fine if he was telling the whole story, i know how important family is, but when your married you are a package deal, therefore if ive done nothing to these people why should i be excluded from everything... See this is his second marriage and sad to say his first wife left because of the same thing, she wasnt good enough for him or his family... It's crazy he chose me to be his wife i have nothing to prove to his family, im sorry i could not give him his blood kids and his parents their blood grandkids, and thats what this boils down to! So now please tell me how i am at fault for wanting my husband to choose me over the way im treated by his parents because they dont think im good enough and cant give them grandkids, I mean he knew i had kids when we got together and i couldnt have anymore, yet he still married me... I have always been the one to try to make amends in the family and keep the peace even though ive never wronged any of them, and now almost 7 years later you're damn right its time for something to give! If you have never been through what we are goin through dont be so quick to judge me! K? thx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Any wife or husband who says you need to choose between them and your family, should be kicked to the curb.
by all means she doesn't have to get along with your family, nor does she have to. At my extended family gatherings, there are many spouses that don't attend and I don't blame them cos we have some "characters" in our family who are very hard to get along with!
But she has no right to decide what family relationships YOU can have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Your wife sounds emotionally abusive. No one has the right to forbid their spouse from seeing their own family of origin.
What has your family ever done to her? other than that one comment from your brother about "hating" one of her kids, which apparently is JUST a comment and you said things were resolved afterward, it sounds like your family has done nothing wrong against her or your step-children. Your dad even borrowed money to put a roof over you and her and the kids' heads. Your family isn't imposing on her or trying to control her.
If your wife has such a huge problem with your family then fine, she can stay home when you go visit them. If she can't stand there being even remote symbolic ties between her and them then she can divorce you. Repeat: since she's the one who has the problem with your family, the onus is on her to leave if she doesn't like it, not to force you to conform to her will.
Do not stop contacting your family as normal, just because of her. She's the one with the problem, so she's the one who needs to change her behavior and attitude, not you.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (18 April 2012):
 My brother is in the same situation as you, although, his wife has not issues him, an ultimatum, she manages to keep him away from his family though manipulation and trouble making. My only hop is that my brother wakes up, one day, and realizes what she's done to him for the last 12 years. She's even managed to separate him from his children from a previous marriage.
Choose your family because a woman who loves you would never ask you to make that kind of a choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Your wife has no right to demand you chose between her and your family. It sounds as if your family has helped you a lot, which has also helped her too, and that they have accepted her. She is being manipulative and controlling. She has no right at all to check your phone to see if you have had contact from your family.
It is a hard situation you have been put in. Try and stay calm, explain to her that you cannot chose between her and your family because you love her and the 3 children and you love your family.
If she walks away then she is sadly not the woman for you. I am sorry that you are being put in this position, I know it tears your heart apart. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I asked the same thing of my husband due to a huge family row and to my absolute horror my husband chose his family over me. I was really upset and couldb't believe it but he told me that they had been there for him all his life and that his family was everything to him and that I had to fit in or basically f@@k off. I had no choice but to walk away as I couldn't do anything else. This happened a few months ago and I am quite relieved to be honest as I don't have to see them or deal with them anymore.
I think although the reverse happened to me it is still the right thing for you to do to choose your family as they will always be there for you.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Your wife has no rights to make you choose between your family and her. Thats utterly selfish to even make you.
Its clear your family have helped you out when you had troubled times and even accepted your wife.
Its a hard situation but stay calm, explain to your wife that you cannot choose between you all; thats unfair.
Your wife is being manipulative.
Explain you love the 3 children and her.
Its as simple as that and if she walks away after you admit your heart out, it sounds as if your better off without all the conflict.
Goodluck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Choose your family. They will always be there and love you unconditionally but will she? This behaviour is completely unacceptable, what will she say next that you can't have friends too? This is a major flag and some extremely controlling behaviour. You should be able to contact your family whenever you want to. They are not obligated to spoil her children in anyway and what your father has done is more than enough. I'm sorry but I think she is being very unreasonable and that is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
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