A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have been very happily married for 12 1/2 years. We have three beautiful children. Two have ADHD and one is Autistic, not high functioning. My husbands family pretends that they accept me. I say pretends because there is always something going on. His mother is either making snide comments to me when he is out of earshot or not around. She won't do the things I need her to do while babysitting the kids, such as answer her phone! His father has a completely nasty girlfriend who thinks that she is part of the family and can punish my children... Even though the two of them haven't even been together for two years. Then to top it all of he has an adopted sister who is extremely rude. She says whatever she wants to whomever she wants. She makes the lie of an excuse that she "can't help it". She has even gone as far as to tell us that we are enabling our children to be dysfunctional. Her and I had a falling out about a year ago because she made fun of my husband and I very politely told her not to do that. I know you're probably thinking... How do we know it was polite... Well, I emailed her. Before I sent it i had my husband read it because I wanted to make sure that it wasn't offensive. He said it was good. Well, she totally lost it. She told me that the whole family thinks I'm crazy and controlling and that I make their mother cry all the time. My husband and I asked his mother if this was true and she said no. So, at Christmas his sister and his mother met up while my oldest was with their mom. She didn't tell me that they were getting together because she knew I wouldn't want that. They went behind our backs. So I confronted his sister and told her that I forgave her but I wasn't going to forget. (She had told me not to kill myself because we had gotten in an argument). I also told her that we had talked to their mom and she had said that we don't upset her. His sister then told me that their mom was lying because no one in the family wanted me to play my "you can't see the kids" card. She said they were all nice to me simply so they wouldn't lose my husband and the kids. He won't say anything to any of them. He doesn't want the "confrontation". How do I get him to see that they are making my life horrible?
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 My mum and I (after I was 12) stopped seeing my dad's mum because she was making snide comments about both of us and had been since my parents got together, and to me since I was about 10.
My mum put up with it for about 10 years, then stopped going and my dad would take me and my brother on his own. When we both reached the age of 12 (different years), my parents gave us the choice as to whether we'd keep going with him to see her - I refused because she'd been callous to me also, but my brother kept going because she hadn't been nasty to him.
My dad didn't like the situation, but didn't want to cause more trouble by mentioning it. That said, he did make it very clear (to his mother) once that, should she try to make him choose between her and us, he'd severe all ties with her. He made that statement all on his own, with no hinting from my mum - which meant he felt it by himself, without being pushed.
You have to decide whether it's worth it for you to keep seeing them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Hi there. Why did the sister say, "no one in the family wanted you to play your "you can't see the kids" card"? Have you ever done that before? I am assuming you have and I apologize if you have not, but I believe this is why your relationship with them is this way. If you have ever done that to the grandmother, and aunt of your children I can see why they would feel that way about you..."pretending to like you." They are scared that if you don't like them, or your upset with them you will take the kids away again. That is a terrible, extremely painful feeling for people to go through. It probably hurt them every single day. You sound like you don't understand the severity of that situation. I say that because you said they were nice to you "simply" so they would not loose your husband (son, and brother) and the kids (grandchildren, nieces/nephews) That is a huge deal! And if they are scared of that you should ask yourself what that says about you and your character. Seriously ask yourself that. I think, if it is the case that your kept your children from their grandmother and Aunt, and allowed your husband to stay away from his mother and sister, you should sit them down and apologize. And assure them that will not happen again. That is hurtful to imagine not seeing your blood, your family, the people you love more than anything. And it is unfair to your children, and damaging.
Again, if this is not the case, I apology. If they are simply mean to you I say, you shut their negativity out of your mind. Do not allow them to penetrate your thoughts because then you will become stressed and agitated for something that is not your problem. It is their problem.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 His family does not sound like the nicest people but it sounds like his sister is the only one attacking you. She is a drama queen. I can understand why your husband doesn't want to confront. It only adds fire and unnecessary tension, to basically non-issues that always get blown up to proportions. He knows her well enough that it's useless to reason with her. I am sure other family members know this as well. What the sister is doing is undermining your ability as a mother because she is ignorant about children with special learning needs. Confronting her is not going to enlighten her anything or make her like you better, because her main focus is to complain and spew negativity. I would avoid that family altogether if you want to stay very happily married.
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