A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So a few months ago I went home with one of my friend's roommates after a party (I was a freshman in college) and we ended up sleeping together. I don't regret a thing, but my best friend from high school doesn't really like how college has changed me. She got over my drinking, but she thinks that you should be in a committed relationship before you do anything like what I did. And I understand that, but it's not my view. Anyway, she told me if i ever did, she wouldn't talk to me for a while. Which really scared me so I was too much of a coward to tell her. I didn't want to lose her as a friend. Well, last night I decided to finally tell her cause it wasn't fair to her. And now she's just as mad as I expected, but even more so because of how I waited so long to tell her. She won't talk to me at all. What am I supposed to do? I'm really surprised that this was worth ending an incredible friendship for. What should I say to her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I do not wish to defend your friend shutting you out but I want to try to explain it.
People who are okay with casual sex usually have a hard time understanding the other side. In the retro jealousy questions this disconnect comes up a lot.
Its kind of like abortion or some other moral issues. When you are okay with something it can be hard to understand that the other side feels it is WRONG. Its not just something better off avoided for practical reasons. Not just something that can sometimes produce bad effects. Not just technically wrong like a speeding ticket that nobody really gets embarrassed about. This feels WRONG to them in the same way it feels immoral to steal or hurt other people.
Its hard when you feel like a minority for holding this view and then one of the few people on your side "defects" and stops agreeing with you.
This anti-causal-sex viewpoint is a big part of your friend. I am sure it feels like you are turning against a big part of her when you changed your view. I don't think you are wrong for what you have done but I am trying to help you understand what she is feeling.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): In a future don't discuss your sexual preferences and adventures with friends, especially those who you kow are not going to approve your behavour. You don't owe any of your friends any details of your private life.
I am much older than you and have only one friend who I can freely discuss my little adventures here and there. She and I have lots of fun with these stories, and there's never any judgement from both of us. But this needs to be understood: not everyone are entitled to your stories about your sex life. It's very intimate and provocative topic, choose your listener!!
If your. Friend desided not to continue, just let her go. I had a situation also when I was your age, and I thought my childhood friend is a trusted soul. So, I was telling her about this boy and that. And then she finally dropped me, saying that it was too much for her. I don't know may be she was jealous, because she didn't have as much attention, I don't know, but the fact was we stopped being friends and never saw each other again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I agree with all answers here apart from the ones who say you should have told her right away or that you should apologise. Your friend does not have the right to know information about your sex life. It is your PRIVATE business and it's certainly not 'lying' to keep it to yourself. She is acting like a romantic partner/ex instead of a platonic friend, which makes me wonder of she has more feelings for you than you know about?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 August 2013):
There are some things I thought about which I want to mention because I have experienced it as well. I also have friends who feel very strongly about certain aspects of my life to which they strongly oppose...of course at the end of the day it is my life and they wont hate me for it.
At that age, people are all about finding themselves and that can mean embracing new social experiments or going to the other extreme of completely rejecting them. Perhaps your best friend is unwilling to accept such strong changes. But I feel like your hesitance to tell her from the beginning really made the situation worse and I can imagine she feels really lied to. She could be rather conservative.
I kinda feel like there is more to this from both of you but it will just all be assumptions on my part. For example, I would stop talking to a friend if they have misused and abused my trust. For example, if you were my friend and were constantly causing yourself harm and I would in turn constantly bail you out, then I might see this as grounds for ending a friendship.
I am not really sure what you can tell her other than being sorry for lying. But indeed, like others have said, you should not feel sorry for the decisions you are making in your own life. She might need a guru in her own life to help her see that people do change and if she keeps rejecting "change" she is going to end up alone. Give her and yourself some time for now, to figure out what you want to say to her. After all, you know her better than any of us do :) All the best. I hope you can salvage the friendship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): Casual sex isn't for everyone, but it sounds like she's being petty and immature about something that honestly isn't her decision anyway.
Sounds like a really good time to step back and decide if you actually want someone this judgmental as a close friend (I wouldn't).
And maybe in future consider refraining from discussion of your sex life with people you already KNOW will disapprove. What you do in bed is two people's business: yours and your partner's.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Tell her that you aren't trying to hurt her but you don't owe it to her to live your life by her values. This is who you are in 2013, take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 August 2013):
 first of all, you have no obligation to tell her your personal life or any of the private things you do. your personal life is YOURS. you have the right to tell or keep whatever you choose to yourself. so don't feel bad about not telling her.
second, the same advice applies. whatever you choose to do in your personal life is YOUR choice. your friend is a very judgemental, closed-minded person. you don't have to share the same views and values as she does in order to be friends. it's called respecting each others differences. she's got a lot of growing up to do.
i'm sorry you lost your friend. but if she's this judgemental of you and the decisions you make for your life, it would just be a matter of time before she would have done this anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 August 2013):
 I'd just let it go.
Just like some people can't seem to respect that YOU (general you) might have a different view on life, religion, politics - some people think you are not allowed to have different morals and values.
DON'T let her make you feel bad for what you did. IF you are OK with it, then BE OK with it.
And accept that THIS is who she is, even if she can't accept WHO you are/who you are becoming. It probably means you two are growing apart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Say nothing. Let her process it. It's no big deal, and she's finally getting a taste of the real world.
Leave her alone. Give her time to get over her dramatizing; and grow up a little. She's still being a small-town high school girl, in a college setting.
She'll either get over it, or you can just shrug it off; and find a new girlfriend. Friendships/relationships don't end for such a ridiculous reason.
You can't live by other people's unrealistic rules, and she is being too judgmental.
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A
female
reader, miss_nancy183  +, writes (23 August 2013):
 If she is not going to accept you for you and your views than she couldn't be a very good friend, but to apologise I suggest you say your sorry you didn't tell her straight away but you only did it because you didn't want it to affect your relationship.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 August 2013):
 Obviously her views and your views are very different and she is apparently incapable of accepting yours as a person and continuing with her own. Who you sleep with, one night stand or not, is none of her business unless you decide to tell her. She can express her views all she wants, but as your friend she should respect yours as well.
Why are you still friends with her? I honestly would just let her go as a friend. Who needs that kind of drama? She is acting like a boyfriend or a jealous ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Why was it 'not fair to her'? Who you have sex with is your own private business and it's perfectly fine if you want to keep that to yourself. Your friend sounds very childish to me. She expects you to tell her everything and she threatens to stop speaking to you if you do something she doesn't like - that is the sort of thing that goes on at grade school, not in an adult friendship. You have done nothing wrong so don't feel bad about this. Just give her time to cool off and if it comes up again, tell her from now on you are not willing to discuss your personal life with her if she isn't going to support you and respect your decisions.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 August 2013):
 I'd tell her goodbye. Why? Because she's trying to control the relationship by attempting to mold you into the values and person she'd expect herself to associate with. Silent treatment is ALWAYS the attempt to control the other. You're not in a relationship with her. This is a friendship, not an intimate partnership, so her acts toward you are immature at best. I know you said you don't want to lose her as a friend, but if she can't have a mature friendship with you, letting you be who you are, without this judgment, cut her loose.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (23 August 2013):
 She has a right to feel the way she does, just like you have the right to live your life the way you want to. It's none of her business who you go home with and she didn't react like this out of concern for you but rather because she is judgemental.
If one of my friends reacted the way your so-called best friend has reacted to something I told her about my personal life (that wasn't harming anyone), I couldn't continue to be friends with that person. I think you need to think about how compatible you really are as friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): Your friend is acting incredibly immature. Drinking and having sex are normal activities for most adults, and just because your friend doesn't like it doesn't mean you have to agree with her. She needs to realise that your life, particularly your sex life, is your own business and you have a right to live it the way you see fit. A true friend would respect that and not pass judgement on you for it. She also needs to realise that you don't HAVE to tell her anything either, it's your choice what you choose to share and what you choose to keep to yourself. I'd give her time to cool off and see if she comes back to you but don't feel you owe her an apology or anything. I personally would also question whether I could be bothered having such a judgemental and unforgiving person in my life.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 August 2013):
 There are two ways you can choose to live--by your own values, or with the view that your integrity reflects how you identify yourself. My view is that she is trying to impose her views/values on you instead of "allowing" you to be your own person. She thinks it speaks badly not only on you but her due to her relationship with you. Let her take her time to come around. But you don't owe her any explanation, excuse or apology, because your sexual life is privileged information that is your own private business, and based your own choices.
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