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My boyfriend has no time to spend with me! What should I do?

Tagged as: Faded love, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 August 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 5 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating over 3 years, we met at university and moved to our parents separate homes afterwards. This worked great as we both worked weekdays and paid a little rent meaning we saw each other at weekends and had some money to spend doing things. Last year my boyfriend moved to London to get management experience in retail, he enjoys the work but gets paid so little that after rent he has nothing to spend elsewhere. This often means that either I have to pay for everything when I visit or we do nothing but sit in his room in a shared house. He doesn't visit me up north unless I pay for the train ticket. On top of this his hours are unsociable often including whole weekends and late evenings. I teach so am off all summer holidays and he hasn't organised a single days holiday to see me. He doesn't see an issue with what's happening and keeps saying he needs the experience. I'm fed up with watching my friends and boyfriends go away/ do things together and having no way to do anything money/time wise with my boyfriend.

View related questions: money, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2016):

If he gets the experience he needs in his chosen field, it will increase his earning potential. Be patient. Some things come with time. He's working towards a goal, but struggle and hard-work is a part of getting there. You have time on your hands, but his financial situation doesn't allow him to go back and forth as often as both of you would like. You're where you want to be professionally, and he's still working at it. What you're asking is that he change his career goals and that may not be feasible.

So now what?

Yes, part of life means we lose friends and boyfriends. Growth requires it. Your life will not always be the same, if you're fortunate. Appreciate the time you have together and discuss plans. Compromise and make adjustments where you can. Find out what his real goals are, and how long he feels it may take to accomplish them. Then decide how that fits into your life-plans and goals. You have needs, and if they are not being met often enough; consider finding a new boyfriend. If you don't feel he places you high enough on his list of priorities, then make a decision. Maybe he's not the guy for you; and his lifestyle and goals are not compatible with yours.

When making a commitment, you have to discuss your future plans and make sure you're both on the same page. We sometimes take different paths in life, and we have no choice but to go our separate ways. That may mean starting over, but as I said before; that's what growth may require.

I think you have to be patient. Sometimes you have to get out of a small town to gain experience and to grow-up. He's not wasting his time partying and hanging out. He's living on his own. If and when he returns; he'll be older, more mature, and he'll have work experience under his belt. I think that's to your benefit, as well as his.

What's your plan if he remains in London?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (5 August 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntUnfortunately, he's not as invested as you. There are plenty of free/cheaper things to do when you're together and you're not doing them.

I think this is showing where you're headed and it's not together.

However, that doesn't mean giving up yet is necessary; having a blunt conversation may help. He needs to contribute to seeing each other, even if it's only ? of the time. There are ways to put effor in without spending lots of money.

I think you're more committed to this than he is, sorry.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (5 August 2016):

celtic_tiger agony auntSadly, I think you are seeing the reality of University relationships

University is a bubble. You are living on top of each other, not a care in the world, lots of fun, parties and living a lifestyle which has no basis in reality.

Relationships formed in this environment often do not have their roots in the real world, and once the comfort blanket comes off, and graduates suddenly scatter across the country to find jobs, move home, etc, the cracks and strains begin to show.

This is the make or break time for many relationships, and the majority do not survive post-graduation. It takes effort from BOTH parties to take the time to go and see the other person. It also can throw up new questions about how committed people are to the relationship. When it is easy, and on the doorstep, is very different to when it takes a trainride or long drive to see your partner. People also change, what they want from life changes, and real life takes over.

How long will he be in London? Is he planning on coming back, or stay there? Have you spoken to him about where he sees his (and your) future? It could be that your lives are now just taking you in different directions. Unless you are willing to work at this together, and make compromises (on your part as well as his). If he plans to stay in London, would you move to be with him?

I think it is time to have a very honest talk about where your relationship is heading.

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