| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My bf and I have had a rocky few months. We've come close to breaking up a few times but we love each other. During this time, I found out he started talking to another woman. My guess is he was hoping to get together with her. He said he still loved me and didn't want to break up. I think this new person only came into play while we were going through this rocky patch. So he didn't have her all along. My question is why did he start talking to someone else? That's like breaking trust. We were/are still together. He's pissed me off enough times but I NEVER once entertained the idea of another guy or started "interviewing" his replacement! I feel betrayed by him. My friend told me it was my fault. That I was pushing him away by being controlling. How about it was his fault for entertaining another female outside our relationship?He and I have been working on out relationship. It's much better now. But I still have doubts. We weren't even over and he began stepping out on me. Does he need a replacement that quickly? What is the reason he does that? And how do I know that he no longer talks to her? How do I know he might have been pushed by me and realized he was only acting out and really didn't want to be with someone else? I found his actions weak,selfish and disrespectful. And I'm not sure if I should stay with him anymore? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): If you insist on holding-on; then I guess you'll have to trust him. If you're paranoid with a mind full of questions about his faithfulness and loyalty; I think you're still on the brink of a breakup. He's got you on probation; and you're teetering over the edge. You'll fall if the wind blows!
You haven't forgiven him. That's the condition for his staying. Your forgiveness. If it's not full and real; then you're just buying time and stalling for the inevitable.
Here's how I see it. You're desperately holding-on to your relationship. If breaking-up with you means there is going to be big drama and a huge scene, he'll do whatever it takes to avoid it. In the back of your mind; that's what I guess you're thinking. You may know this to be a fact, as well.
He saw your temporary-breakup as an opportunity to play-around. Maybe he's not as into keeping it together as you might be. Thus, he saw an excuse to see another woman.
"Taking breaks" and "time-outs" apart are a breakdown in communication between couples. They are a terrible idea, and it usually indicates incompatibility. Compromise is unachievable, if incompatibility is the underlying cause of the separation.
Meanwhile, their worst relationship-issues fester during the stand-off. Couples who do this go through a pattern of making-up and breaking-up. It's like they're addicted to each other, and allergic to each other at the same-time!
There is almost always one partner needier than the other!
Whoever is the least happy in the relationship gets a temporary head-start in the emotional-detachment process.
You can stress and strain a relationship until someone starts to let-go. The relationship is clinging to a thread.
It's always said that you love each other; but that doesn't mean much if the love is incompatible. All the elements that don't synchronize will always repel each-other. Harmony cannot be maintained. It's only a temporary-truce for the sake of peace; and to subdue fear of the unknown. What will happen if we part? Will he or she find somebody else? Who will find somebody else first??? I'm afraid to be alone!
Rockiness comes from failure in skillful-communication, unmanaged-insecurities, a constant battle of wills, and being poorly-matched. One partner becomes more distant than the other. Feeling the distance growing; the other partner becomes desperate and clingy, or aggressive. When they try to talk to each other, emotion overtakes the discussion, tension escalates; and the conversation goes out-of-control. It becomes a fight! Then everybody becomes touchy, thin-skinned, and resentful. Every little thing sparks a disagreement. Nobody owns any fault, but everyone blames each other. Any of this seem familiar?
That is because the real problems between you go unresolved; and everyone's mind starts to become less receptive to the others feelings or opinions. The same problems reoccur.
He got a little taste of freedom. Freedom is sweet when you compare it to conflict, fights, and drama. It becomes harder to resist temptation. He knows you. He can tell if your over-night change is sincere, or only temporary. You also know he is capable of seeking the company of another female; if things go-wrong between you. You're caught in a dilemma!
You don't know if she's still in his system?
If you're just behaving to keep him from leaving you; you've got a very tough job on your hands. You're feeling insecure, and that is a ticking time-bomb! You haven't forgiven him emotionally, just verbally. I know it takes time; but you can't fake-it! Your heart is broken, and you feel betrayed.
Do you trust him? Have you ever really trusted him? Is that why your relationship has been rocky? Is he trustworthy?
"I found his actions weak,selfish and disrespectful. And I'm not sure if I should stay with him anymore?"
Is your jealousy of her the only reason you're holding-on to him?
Then attempting to reconcile cannot work. You can't move forward; unless you can forgive him. Your trust may be irreparable; and you're both just biding your time, until the inevitable happens. You'll breakup!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 May 2019):
 You REALLY should have this conversation with HIM. We can only guess WHY he is doing this.
Could be he felt lonely, unfulfilled or that it was an act of "rebellion" or simply purely selfish to FEEL good.
Is he still talking to her? If so, that needs to be addressed.
If he is, would he be OK with you talking to another guy? (not saying that you should but it might give him food for thought).
And seriously, YOU can not MAKE him strike up a friendship or more. THAT is something HE can CHOOSE to do or NOT do.
So I don't entirely agree with your friend, that it is your fault.
Because IF you were/are controlling and he doesn't like it, he could have BROKEN up with you instead of looking for some "side-chick".
You two need to talk and establish some boundaries you BOTH and and will agree to.
And YOU really have to decide if you can FORGIVE this behavior and move on from it.. or it this is just enough.
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