A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HelloMy problem is I’ve been rejected by girls sooooo many times in my life that I’m no longer able to be attracted to them. I literally don’t like people anymore and I don’t know what to do. And if someone shows interest in me I shun them or give them reasons to not invest in me. This has affected my life in a big way because 95% of the time when I suddenly feel sad or depressed it’s has something to do with relationships or intimacy. I’ve never experienced intimacy before. The most I’ve done is kissed a few girls I didn’t really like (truth or dare, wild party, random act). I’m twenty four now by the way. I’ve never had someone I like, like me back. I’ve been rejected repeatedly since I was around 8. I’m so use to it now. Plus I had and kinda still have a skin condition its much better now because I’m working on it - since I was 12 which played a huge toll on my confidence. I hate confident people, they just annoy me but I know I just say that because I envy them and I hate it even more when people make it seem like all I need to do is put on a flashy jacket, wave to a few people and go to a party and BAM I’m confident. It’s not that easy. To be confident you need to gain positive output from your endeavours. So should I put on some new jeans only to hear I look gay or wave to a girl to have her say – wtf – or go to a get together where I’m not the life of the party - it hurts ok. I’m so sick of being rejected it everything I do and when things finally do go my way it depresses me and I don’t even know why. I’m sure loads of people are going to say I should be myself and everything will work out, but if being myself was so great, I guess I wouldn’t be here. I’m a pretty normal guy and girls respond to me well as a friend but nothing more. I found out the hard way that girls don’t like when you’re too nice and trying to change myself to be more assertive just makes me feel crummy and even more depressed on the inside. I tried one session of therapy but didn’t go back. I just felt like I was being told everything I already know not to mention I was way ahead of the therapist in my personal findings plus it’s expensive. I just feel like day by day I’m just hitting rock bottom and losing myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. And no I don’t have anyone to talk to.A few months ago I became incredibly cold – I had no emotions nothing bother me. It was a terrible, lonely feeling but it kind of had my back and boy could I get stuff done. Work was a breeze. Some thing happen a few weeks back that shook me out unfortunately and truth be told I kind of miss it but I can’t seem to get it back. I’ve been alone all my life. I was surrounded by people but never felt genuinely close to anybody. When I hear people whine about being heart broken and lonely I realise they have no idea what lonely is. It’s so easy to look stable on the outside and feel like 911 on the inside.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Completely agree with Chi Girl- there's a saying 'we dont see things as they are, we see them as we are'. A positive attitude will get a positive outcome. I'm not saying you won't face rejection, everyone faces rejection, but if you crave intimacy as much as you're telling us... If you really, really want it you will persist & persist & persist. Thomas Edison once said 'the most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time'. If you need a push to get motivated, to feel positive, I always read inspirational quotes from inspirational people, they're the ones that prove anyone can do anything they put their mind to, and you can too.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 November 2013):
Dear OP,
I am really sad that you have to go through this and from your post I can tell you are very exhausted and you feel helpless right now.
There's not the one good advice I can give you here, because if it was that easy, I am sure you could have figured it out yourself.
What I can recommend is, go back to therapy. Maybe the therapist you tried just wasn't good for you, I had to try out three people before I found the right one. Also, your expectations might have been too high for that one session. Of course the guy only told you what you already knew, but that was because you were a new client and you didn't really have time to get to know each other.
Anyway. I just wanted to say, I read this post and I feel for you. I wish you find some faith in people again.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 "I’ve been rejected repeatedly since I was around 8"
You know, I have a hunch that this isn't true. When I was 8, no one around me were out trying to date other 8-year olds. There couldn't be a rejection by the opposite sex, because the notion of dating them wasn't there. I could still threaten boys by saying I'd kiss them and they'd scream and run the other direction.
If you were developed enough to have tried dating at 8, then you beat human evolution.
Anything before the age of 16 DOES NOT COUNT as either boyfriend/girlfriend, relationship or dating, courting or rejection.
It's kids games before that.
The idea that you have become so traumatized by being, as you say, rejected by girls from the age of 8, says a lot about your FOCUS. Not about realities of life, but about your focus. I don't know what you mean by rejection. Do you think it's rejection if at 10 years old, a girl you liked didn't like you back?
How many romantic comedies have you watched, do you believe it all happens like in the movies? I'm just trying to understand why you'd think finding someone you like who also likes you back should be so EASY and that you shouldn't have gotten rejections at all. You speak as if you've somehow been denied something that others get.
Newsflash: everyone gets rejected, and yes, just as much as you. But probably not everyone will think everything is a rejection, even though you would place it in that category.
You take it as rejection if someone doesn't like the jacket you wear. That's not rejection. But you have this focus that translates about everything into negative, and everything is rejection of you, no matter what.
Do you want things to change? Then there is only one thing you can do, and that is to deal with the actual problem here, your mental state. You're not being healthy, you're being self destructive.
"When I hear people whine about being heart broken and lonely I realise they have no idea what lonely is."
That's your focus again. You focus only on yourself, you don't think anyone else knows what lonely means. But they do. It's just that you're so wrapped up in your own world you can't recognize it.
To confront such a huge obstacle, such a serious problem, you need help. I strongly suggest you speak to your doctor about how you feel. If you have the opportunity, speak to a therapist. They're not for crazy people, they are there to help those who have a lot to deal with and who need help pulling through. You have a lot to deal with, and you don't handle it well on your own. You are in a downward spiral, and your focus on negativity and feelings of rejection are taking control of your life.
You can get better, feel better, but that requires a change. And the change must ALWAYS come from inside yourself. Change does NEVER come from approval from others. Only through approval from inside, and with changes from inside yourself. You don't know how to do that, so be brave and ask for help.
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