A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's been two years since I cut contact with my ex. We met in high school. I didnt have friends, nor did I have a stable home, I was always abused physically and verbally by my mother, so you can say I was the broken, weird kid at school. Fast forward she moved into my school and we become best friends. One day i was at her house and she tried to have sex with me, i got freaked out by it and left. later on throughout the day, she messaged me and apologized, She told me she'd never try it again. I believed her, but of course it didn't work out that way, she persisted till i gave in. She was my first everything and i regret it, not only that, the first guy I had sex with, had been her choice. They were dating, and one day they started having sex in front of me, i wanted to leave but she dragged me into a threesome and I felt dirty after. (i always hated myself for not speaking up).Eventually some years down the road we developed feelings for one another, but the relationship turned toxic. She would do things to hurt me emotionally. Whenever i would confront her about it, she would flip the script and make it seem like i was the bad guy, she would insult me, say i was worthless and etc. It would always end in me begging for forgiveness and apologizing. Eventually I began to crack and would stand my ground and she hated it. Theres so many things that she did to me that hurt me but I erased it from my mind. It was an off and again relationship for 10 years. She would date other people and I was forced to watch. Eventually 3 years ago I had enough, when she used twitter to flirt with a girl and eventually talked about the time they had sex and how good it was, it was after our fight, she knew i would see it. i had enough and i just changed numbers and cut her off. A year later she contacted me through, I was fuming and so angry, but she didnt stop messaging me till we met up in person and talked. She apologized, I forgave her but she kept doing the same things as before, so i cut the relationship off for good, this time. I'm tramatized from the relationship, I don't trust anyone, i was diagnozed recently with ptsd, i always had anxiety and depression, but it's so much worse now. I cant get the situation out of my head. The way how I was treated was bad and I can't seem to forgive myself for letting it happen so long. Why can't I get over it like normal people do and move on, it's been two years? Worst part is I saw her last month in the drugstore, I didn't acknowledge her, but her bestfriend called me out of the blue the day after to see how I was doing. We don't even talk.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 July 2019):
 Well therapy is not going to work if you are refusing to talk about the very things which are causing you pain. I am sure you will not be telling your therapist anything which he/she has not heard before or which will shock them. You have no reason to feel shame. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were the victim. PLEASE be brave enough to tell your therapist.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been to therapy but I never talk about it, I'm too ashamed too.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (7 July 2019):
Oh sweetheart, I want to give you a big hug and to find words to take away at least some of your pain.
Firstly, and most importantly, you need to keep reminding yourself that none of this was YOUR fault. Your ex is a user. She sensed your vulnerability and took full advantage of it for years. She knew you didn't have the confidence to stand up to her so she could manipulate you any way she chose.
Secondly, you really need to give yourself credit for finding the strength to eventually walk away from his abusive woman.
You are suffering the same sort of mental health issues as victims of rape suffer. The fact is, you WERE raped. Over and over. Somebody having sex with you without your consent is RAPE. It does not matter if the other person is male or female. It is still RAPE or, at the very least, sexual assault. Have you talked to a therapist about how you feel? Have you talked to your doctor? Have you asked for help? If not, then please consider it.
Remember, it is your RIGHT to choose whether you speak to your ex or not. It is also your right to choose to ignore messages/calls from her friends. You can choose to cut her out of your life completely if it helps you cope. Just blank any contact and refuse to get drawn in. It is not rude; it is about YOUR survival and well-being.
I'm sorry I can't think of anything else to say to you. I do, however, feel for you so much. You have found the strength to cut this toxic abusive woman out of your life. I hope you find a way to rebuild your life and move forward.
We are here if you need to talk.
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