A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Backstory, Gay man, 21... studying at Uni. Decided before I started that I would NOT be getting into a relationship while at uni (previous experience of stress + exams = not good!).So I meet this guy 7 months back... was meant to be casual fun, although we clicked straight away and chatted for hours. I soon found out that he was in a relationship (for 9 years)with a man who had no sex drive whatsoever... and about 7 years ago they had "the talk" and he was allowed to play away as long as he was careful. I was fine with that... I just wanted a casual thing... nothing serious. But our relationship quickly developed and we both have strong feelings for each other. We've said we love each other, and we have talked about the whole situation openly and honestly. We both know nothing will come of it in the sense of a future, as he already has someone in his life that he loves. So I thought I was fine what that. I enjoy his company and love spending time with him... but slowly the whole thing has become more complicated.We became "monogamous" a month or so ago (as in we wouldn't sleep with other people... granted he already has a boyfriend), and I'm fine with that. But he's been starting to call me boyfriend, and it's just getting so crazy I don't know what to do. I know I'll have to talk to him about it, and just say something like "I enjoy spending time with you and I do have massive feelings for you, but this whole thing has become really complicated and it's starting to mess around with my head" and see where it goes from there.Does anyone have any advice? We went into this thinking it would be casual sex, but basically a relationship has emerged from it... and he already is in one. I both like and don't like it, like for my feelings, don't like for the complicatedness. Any insight into the matter would help a lot!
View related questions:
has a boyfriend, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): I am the other party involved in this, and came across this by chance. Things have been 'dialled down' to where they were when we first met. For this new level of friendship to succeed, we both have to work at it. It was upsetting but practical in the end.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 April 2011):
Hello again. I really think that your friend/boyfriend, has a real fear of change.
What's probably going through his mind is along the lines of:-
"What if I leave my present partner - who I live with - to be with this other man, and then I find that it doesn't work out after all?"
And believe me, it does happen.
While the relationship is an affair, and in the newness stages, everything seems a bit surreal and almost dreamlike, and there's not the cold hard reality of bills, mortgage or rent payments, dirty laundry, housekeeping, bad moods, problems, arguments etc., so it's kind of protected and like living in a bubble, in a way.
When and if it was to become a reality at some time, then the fantasy-like state would suddenly fade. The protective bubble would burst. No matter how well you get along with each other now, once reality sets in everything changes. It can be a big letdown.
On the one hand, he has the security of a live-in relationship with his partner, but very little or no sex, and on the other hand he has you, who he also gets along with very well - and does have a satisfying sex life with. However, it's a gamble as to whether he should chance leaving security for a maybe.
Bottom line - Security versus a "Maybe".
Decisions, decisions. Only time will tell.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank everyone for the advice on the situation.
He came over and we've been chatting about it all day...
There were some tears, from both of us. And we admitted that our "thing" had become really to emotional for it's own good. I specified that I don't want a relationship, and I never wanted anything serious from him... but that feelings had arose. We talked, and we talked. And we decided that we'll dial it down a notch, try and get back to the friendship that it started at... and if it gets too much we'll have to end it.
I did say to him that it was not going to last forever, and I got the feeling he was hoping it would. So had a good ol' talk about it.
Am hoping it will be ok... and I get the feeling he will end it as I don't think he could handle the idea of us being separated. But i shall see how it goes, and if it happens then it happens.
Thanks again for the responses... much needed.
xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (27 April 2011):
Ok if I was to be bitchy about this I would say someone's having their cake and eating it and it isn't you! In my experience of being with someone who's in a failing relationship is they always go back to the original partner. They might hate change or like having one and the other.. who knows. Seriously though, as your in University with all these things going on, are you sure your not using this relationship as escapism from your stresses and other things going on? Its very easy to throw yourself at someone and buy everything they are selling if your trying to get away from something else that's getting to you rather than dealing with the actual issue. Whatever happens I hope it all works out for you but don't pander to someone else, its your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, aaringurl  +, writes (27 April 2011):
That casual-turned-complicated relationship you have is something you really need to do up with. You assess, whether it's still healthy,(for you and he) or is already creating quite a stir. Ask him, what are you guys really? Are you officially an item? Ask, him about his partner and why he seems to not be able to let go? Is he benefiting something from his now? Because, you'd also get hurt if ever, you became as his cover-up for his almost- non-existing partner.
You're in the most crucial stage of being a student. College life isn't that easy. Trust me, I know. You need to alleviate and fix as much problems and stress as you can. It'll clearly affect your future, and you're relationship with him if you don't act now, and fast.
Choose , choose , choose sweetie. If he can't wait for you when you finish school, for when you'd totally be ready to become intimate, then he's not that good of a catch. And if ever he does chooses you,
Be honest. Be blunt. Be true. Be selfish, yet understanding. Take heed, because when all things fail, we only have ourselves to rely on. And most especially, stick to your intuition!!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (27 April 2011):
 this is a mess
either he wants to be with you, OR with someone who he doesn't have sex with. is his partner supporting him financially or in some way is he dependent on him for security?
why is he with someone who isn't meeting his needs? to me that doesn't make sense so his partner must be metting a need that you cant, otherwise why is he not with you?
it doesn't all add up properly to me
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 I had the same situation in my marriage to some extent.I had an open marriage and my husband knew I was seeing another man... It was supposed to be casual no strings attached sex.... cut to the chase... my husband left (I did not stop him) and I am with my FWB in a full, committed monogamous relationship.... deep sigh everyone seems happier now....I don't quite know what advice I can give you but I can tell you that once my BF realized he could affect a separation, he did nothing to stop my marriage from breaking up....and my marriage was broken already... my BF did not cause the breakup he just was the catalyst that made it happen sooner rather than later....I hope that you can figure out how to be happy and sane with this... I was pretty nuts for a few months towards the end of my marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hi there. Unfortunately in any relationship, once sex is involved, well then the emotions are inevitably involved also.
The more so as time goes by.
Unfortunately - or is it unfortunately? - you are now emotionally involved, so your heart is in it, well and truly.
Obviously, you can't deny your feelings - that's unhealthy.
You both know you love each other, so the longer it continues, the more there is the need for action to be taken. One way or the other.
Although he loves his partner, if there is little or no sex with him, well then it's not a relationship in the true sense, is it?
A couple might get along well with each other, but if there is no sex there, well it's really only a friendship. Like brothers! Not a couple.
Seven months is quite a while to be seeing each other, and it's clear you have developed a good relationship with each other. And that's great.
I also feel that despite the fact he says he loves this other man he lives with, it really is coming to a point in his life where he has to make a decision.
Because while he is in a relationship with this other man, and seeing you as well, he's not being true to anyone is he?
It's kind of half-hearted all round.
It seems that his partner is allowing him the freedom to have sex with other men, just so he will stay. He's not doing himself any favours, that's for sure.
You also have a right as a human being, to want more than just a fling with him - even if you are monogamous with each other. You naturally want more than that.
For a start, because he's in that relationship, he naturally can't see you as much as he would like. You can't go home with him to his place. So in that way, you are rather limited in what you can do.
You are going to have to have a talk with him about this, sooner rather than later.
And he, needs to think about what is really important to him:-
(1) Security (the relationship he has), but there is no sex.
Or
(2) A full relationship with you - where you both get along really well and with a satisfying sex life too.
There doesn't seem to be any comparison, does there?
However, the choice is his only.
If he can't decide, you might need to suggest some time away from each other - so he can consider all his options.
When he's not seeing you all the time, he will miss you and it will make it easier for him to make up his mind.
Either way, eventually he does need to make a decision - no matter what.
The longer this situation continues, the more frustrating it's all going to become for you. If he doesn't make a decision soon, well then you will begin to feel like you are being used. And then you will fight with each other over it.
You deserve better than this.
As happy as you are with him now, if things don't change soon - a decision by him - well then, that happiness might end abruptly!
Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, CupidLover  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 i can tell you feel quite confused and restless about the whole situation,and its great to talk about things out in the open,honesty is the best thing.First of all, don't have any feeling of regret about getting involved with him,because sometimes emotions just take over like that, and you really seem like you're into each other.Secondly, do you think that if he left the other man and it was just you and him,you would feel more secure about your relationship with him? ask yourself why am i feeling confused about this. Maybe you feel that the other man in his life is putting you on edge; tell him,express to him how you feel about things,and take it from there. In the end, if something you love is bringing you down mentally, and is just standing still instead of moving forward...then you know what to do. I hope that helped! Goodluck
...............................
|
