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Is my Long Distance Relationship worth it?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Article - (6 December 2011) 2 Comments - (Newest, 5 May 2012)
A female United States age , So_Very_Confused writes:

Being in a relationship where you have regular face to face contact is difficult enough. Being in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) is more difficult.

Local Relationships (LRs) require a few things; Honesty, Trust, Commitment, and Communication are all important to all relationships. LDRs also require regularly scheduled visits (whether weekly, monthly, or at most quarterly) and most importantly they require a solid plan for closing the distance.

So first of all you must be HONEST with your partner. This means talking about potentially dating other people or being attracted to others

Secondly this goes along with being honest you must COMMUNICATE… this means you have regularly scheduled contact. IF not daily contact, then at least a few times a week. Email, phone calls, Skype, texting all are acceptable methods of contact. And yes ALL forms need to be employed. The contact should be personal between you and your partner. AND it needs to go both ways in terms of who initiates contact.

That’s a key point… IF you wonder if you are having a relationship you probably are not. IF you wonder if the contact is one sided in terms of who initiates it most of the time, it probably is one sided and you are probably the initiator…. And that feels crummy and makes you feel insecure and it should. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS.

Also if the ONLY contact you have is email or text and NO voice or visual contact that’s suspicious. Pictures sent to you mean NOTHING… it could have been stolen from Facebook or any other website. It may not be them. Use GREAT caution when having a “relationship” with someone you met JUST ONLINE. Many times this person is a scammer trying to get money, or in a worse scenario entry into a country they are not from.

USE GOOD JUDGEMENT. Yes it’s hard to do this when you are being swept up in the romance of someone paying lots of positive attention to you but it the situation seems too good to be true or too convenient or strange it’s good to be on your guard. For example…, he says I’m going to come visit you, I’ve got my plane ticket… and then shortly before the scheduled visit, he has to cancel because “mom got sick” or “my uncle died” or “work is sending me on a trip” or any other reason why magically he can’t come to see you. Trust me, he never bought the ticket.

DO NOT SEND THEM MONEY…. If she says to you “I want to visit you but I need $300 dollars to buy a plane ticket” DO NOT SEND the money. IF you believe this to be an honest issue, then you can take a risk and actually purchase the ticket for them. If they say NO they want to buy the ticket themselves please can you just send them the money, tell them, I’m sorry I can’t just send the cash I have to pay for the actual ticket… they may go “poof” and disappear but, really they were never there in the first place if that happens.

And if they don’t have the money to buy a plane ticket how will they have the money to move to be with you later on or support you if you move to them? LDRs require serious funds….

It all goes back to trust. And I am a huge believer in, trust your gut. IF YOU THINK that something is fishy, it probably is. IF your online boyfriend can only talk to you during the day while at work, or late at night, only gives you a work email or work phone and not a home address, home phone or home email address, yes Virginia he’s probably married or living with someone….

If she disappears on weekend nights, she may be going out with her girlfriends or maybe she has a local boyfriend that does not know about you any more than you know about him.

If you are honestly communicating and have trust with each other, then within a short time (under a year after meeting face to face at least once) you get commitment. Commitment means you are not dating others. Commitment means you have regularly scheduled visits and a plan and date to end the distance. Commitment means you don’t question if he loves you or if she’s cheating. Commitment means you can’t wait to get to the end of the LDR and spend the rest of your life WITH the person you are being kept from. Commitment while wonderful in local relationships is probably the hardest time in LDRS… so close and yet so far….

After commitment comes, MOVING. Yes one or both of you will HAVE to move. I mean why else have an LDR other than a means to an end. Either the person with the least ties uproots or moves to where the other partner is or both of them choose a new location and start fresh together. Both are traumatic for both partners. AND if you barely know each other because you met online and have only seen each other 4 times in two years, it’s quite the leap of faith. Also it becomes very expensive if you are not going to be living together right away (strongly recommend for folks that met online and lived a long distance apart and did not spend a lot of time together day to day before the final move)

So in summary,

IF you meet someone online and you are not close enough to meet and visit in real life on a regular basis, if you can’t afford to visit your partner and/or they can’t afford to visit you, if neither of you is willing or able to move within a reasonable time, it’s probably NOT a good idea to embark on a serious relationship.

On the other hand, if you go on vacation and meet someone who lives a few hours by car from you, who is willing to visit you and have you visit them on a regular basis, who is willing to try to build a relationship and talks of one of you moving and spending your life together, then yes, take the chance on the LDR because you won’t be LDR forever (I would say ending the distance within 2 years is a good rule of thumb unless schooling or training is involved) and the pain of falling asleep with a phone in your ear for a short period of time is worth it….

View related questions: at work, facebook, insecure, long distance, met online, money, period, text

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A male reader, chris-tier04 South Africa +, writes (5 May 2012):

Very good! I have a clear outline of what should happen and how steps must be taken to have good relationship:-)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011):

Wonderful article! I think you've clarified the title perfectly, and it's reassuring to be able to recognise myself (or rather, my relationship) in the positive points you've made :)

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