A
female
age
30-35,
*ouse17
writes:Hey guys, Long time read, and this is the first time I've needed to ask for advice in a very long time. I was having a pretty good run! I'm not quite sure how to word this properly so bare with me. My partner and I have been together coming up on 3 years. We've lived together for nearly 2 years of that. Look this guy- he's the mac to my cheese, hes the fish to my chips, he's the love of my life. However with all relationships there come complications. Let me list these out for you:1) Main current issue- He's unhappy. Like with everything, with life, work, relationship, etc. And I dont know what to do about it. A lot of it stems from him being a creative (hes a muso) and doing the daily grind shitty job 9-5 Mon- Fri which makes him exhausted to not do the things he loves. I've encouraged him to look for other work, I've advised I'll help but he just gets stuck in a rut. I asked if he would still be at this job if he wasnt with me and he said no. So he's working his ass off staying at a job he despises so he can pay rent and bills. Whilst I understand that I fear he is starting to resent me for it. I've said I'll support us while you go on the job hunt but I think he feels bad about that too. 2) I wish to travel. I'm a traveller and want to go explore. He's not, and pretty much could not care less about it. I always had dreams of travelling with the one I love, of going exploring together. It really hurts that I wont get to do that with him. He said he can look into it but whenever I bring it up he just gets all quiet. 3) This is the least of my concerns and is mainly a non issue but I'm curious to see what people will say. I'm 28 and he's 39. It's my intention to not have kids and I've never wanted them. He's had a vasectomy and feels the same about kids like I do. He got a vasectomy pretty young (I'm talking 19) so hes known for awhile. Now I know what I feel in this moment and I dont ever see that changing but..........what IF it does?? My Dad keeps bringing it up every damn conversation I have with him and it’s frustrating.Now I know i've just listed cons but this guy makes me laugh, he's supportive and he loves me. Just... I'm at a bit of a fork in the road. Any advice is appreciated. How can I help him be more happy, do I stay or do I go? Is he meant for the single life? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mouse17 +, writes (19 October 2016):
mouse17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all your advice! I think I've come to an epiphany these past few days in which I think I will apply for my working visa next year to do some travelling for 6 months- 1 year and hopefully he will want to try the long distance thing. It's all up in the air at the moment but that's what I'm currently entertaining. This gives him a chance to really focus on his music stuff without having to worry about paying bills etc and just look after himself. I think that's what he worries about the most is letting me down.
Again appreciate all your advice, I'll update you again if what I say comes to fruition! Or probably more advice because who knows if I'll be strong enough to do it ;)
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 Those are relatively very easily fixable differences, if he wants to pursue his passion, support him all the way. The struggles he faces in life will be his own but let your men be the man. He will face the consequences or successes on his own, he just needs a cheerleader on the side. Just make sure hes not abusing you for money or food/rent.
Traveling is hard and I know the travel bug exists in many poeple then there exists those who are content living in a town/city for rest of their life and never budging. I say travel the world and come back to your man, you bring fresh air, news, love, a new perspective home to him. If he support he will let you go, if not then rethink the relationship. But if hes a homebody and youre not, all you need here is someone who will accept you as you are. If he accepts you must travel and will await you when you return, theres nothing to fear. I know youd love to travel with him, but being loved for who you are is most important here. You can always travel with a girlfriend =)
And then you both dont want kids. Thats no biggie, theres no concern there. Just re-affirm with him you dont want kids, it will take pressure off him. And its okay to tell family members upfront that youre not going to have kids, theyll have to face it one way or another. I also dont want kids but not for reason that many people do. I adore kids and the role i fit better in their life is being an amazing aunt =)
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 I call BS on issue no. 1. Or, I believe that he can be unhappy because he's stuck in a job that's not his ideal ( he shares this hardship with zillions of people ) but please do not think that it's your fault or that you have got anything to do with it, and don't let him convince you to believe it.
It's only 3 years you are together, wasn't he working before meeting you ? Ever ?... what does it mean " if it weren't for you he could quit his job ", why, would he not STILL have to pay for his food, rent,utilities , etc. ?
That could be true if he had the responsibility to support you financially, i.e. if you were chronically unemployed, or a housewife by choice, but , since you say that , if he wanted , you'd have no problem in supporting him ,this must not be the case. You offered; if he does not want to live off you- that's on him , and it's his free choice.
Plus- let's be realistic, he is 39 . If he was going to make it big in his field- or at least to get a comfortable living out of it , it would have already happened. Why, everybody thinks of Leonard Cohen as a late bloomer because he cut his first record at 33 !
I am not saying that he must not have the talent . Maybe he has it. But obviously he has not got the drive, the fire, the hunger to do what he's born to do, no matter what. That's why he does not have the guts to leave the safety of his " unhappy " job , even when he's so lucky to have a gf who would support this choice, and not emotionally only !
His life, his happiness, his choices. If he is not a risktaker, respect his choices , of course. But please don't let him play the " misunderstood genius " card !
I can understand very well how when you care for somebody, it pains you seeing him unhappy and unfulfilled, and you want to intervene, to do something. But... that's mothering him. You are way younger than him, be loving, be encouraging, be positive... but don't be his mom. He is a grown ass man, he should have learned by now that what you get out of life is what you put into it. And that if you do not like something, either you learn to change it, or you learn to accept it. Bellyaching is pointless and unbecoming.
As for the other issues, I'll have to give you a vague, not very useful answer, nut I can't do better than that, based on your post :
it depends how important are these things to you.
How disappointed you'd be if they never come to be ? Just slightly ? Somewhat, but you could get over it ? A crushing blow ?...
For instance, the travel issue. Yes, I understand that your wish or fantasy was to travel with the man you love, and sure it's more fun to travel with someone who'd share your enthusiasm and your discoveries, but as for me, it would not be a dealbreaker. When I had the travel bug, I was fortunate enough to do many travels with my partner- many , but not all. Not always it was possible-and I went anyway and STILL enjoyed the trip.
Would you have to, or feel you have to, give up any travelling if he does not come with you ? If so, why ?...
As for having kids- that's the trickiest issue, I guess. Because someone who gets a vasectomy at 19 ! must really not be the fatherly type , and I suppose he would have issues also with adopting, or fostering.
So, again, to stay with him, you must be sure that giving up parenthood would not be such a big sacrifice for you. A sacrifice , maybe, - but one which would not ruin your life, and, most of all, one who would be justified by what he is and what he does for you.
Only you can decide if he is worthy what you are/will be giving up for him. Because if you ask me... honestly I'd be wary of limiting my life for such a killjoy type. But then again, I am not very keen of mothering people ... and I don't even like mac and cheese :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2016):
 Has he been to see his doctor?
Getting a vasectomy at 19... can perhaps affect his mental health, levels of testosterone, autoimmune system etc. So I'd start by suggesting he go see his doctor and get a full work up. It's been 20 years since the vasectomy so YES, it's possible that new changes have started to happen to his body.
Secondly. Your BF would have to work, whether he is with you or not. He is 39. He can't live on air. So THAT I find a rather shitty excuse to be told. As for what hob he has, well THAT is on him is it not? If he isn't happy with it, HE is the only one who can fix that?! Is he not? You can't magically fix it. And it won't fix itself.
I get that he is passionate about music, that is great- but if he can't MAKE a living ofF this passion, it kind of haS to become second after a "real" job. That is what it's like to be an adult.
I hate that you are holding yourself back from your dreams because he isn't into it. And that you think it's solely your responsibility to make HIS life happy. It shouldn't be.
I can't tell you to go or stay, but I would advise that you suggest HE figures out where he needs to go and do to feel happy in his life. And that YOU consider what YOU really want to do, and then DO it before you feel it's too late.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2016): Your bf sounds just like my husband only he's an artist. That's fine for us as we live frugally so we can pursue our interests, both dislike travelling and neither ever wanted children.
Many people work in dead end jobs to pay the bills. If he wasn't with you he'd still have to earn money to live so I don't see what being with you has to do with his job situation.
If you want to travel you could go with a friend and only you know the likelihood of whether you might change your mind about children.
All successful relationships require a degree of compromise, but if you are determined to travel with a partner and he doesn't want a job, then your relationship isn't going to last.
...............................
|
