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Is he an abuser?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 September 2022) 4 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2022)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been dating a guy for a month now, and when we had sex last time, which was the first time with him, he bit me multiple times in multiple places (arms, shoulders, necks, breasts, thighs, legs) and next day I noticed he left so many bruises all over my body. When I screamed from the pain, he said "Oh I am sorry", and then he smiled, but kept biting.

And every time we kiss he grabs my neck and starts chocking me.

Does it mean he is abusive and he is hiding it?

Or is it just men like doing things like that in bed?

Also sex was very painful. Because he is extremely big, the deeper he went inside me, the more painful it was. I am petite, he is very tall and muscular. I am very tight/small, Is there anything I can do to avoid the pain. (He was going very slow because it was very painful for me, but when he tried to go a bit faster, I almost burst in tears from pain so he stopped.)

View related questions: breasts, petite

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022):

You have a very low opinion of yourself and he sees you the same way you see yourself, as a nothing. Why do you not value yourself ? Get therapy to put this right, it will take time and perseverence. You cannot do it alone. Your guy will not like it. He is only interested in a nothing, because someone who has a better opinion of themself would not allow him to abuse her emotionally or physically as he does.

Some guys pay hookers a lot extra for the privilege of doing these things to them, because they are not happy about being left with bites and bruises and aches and pains for days or weeks after each session. He must think all of his Christmases have come at once when he goes someone willing to enjoy her to that extent and all for free. All on his terms. He does not sound like a boyfriend, it sounds to me more like he just wants you for regular sex. Free. A proper boyfriend cares about you, takes care of you, looks out for you, protects you from worry or harm. He takes you out, buys you little gifts, does things to make you feel special and happy, not just you there to please him.

As for the choking, some guys start off with this choking stuff and it grow and grows, they need it to get better and stronger until they end up doing serious damage or murder. This is how the infamous serial killer Fred West started.

He went on to torture and murder a lot of women.

Men who do this stuff do not like women at all.

They just see you as a blow up doll to pull about and enjoy, as if you have no feelings or needs. They may tell you what you want to hear to keep that going.

As for the bit about you being tight and small and pain.

It sounds like you are not lubricated properly, probably because you now fear and do not enjoy him so the idea of him penetrating you does not turn you on. You can get gel for that. But why bother, he does not deserve you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2022):

He's an asshole, move on.

The pain: I'm am petite too. I had a BF so big, I was like GTFO, that's not going in me. The first time half of it did. A little more each time. The guy knew how to use it. Without getting too descriptive, that big boy was heavenly. He never used it like a jackhammer. He didn't have to.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 September 2022):

Honeypie agony auntYou are with a guy who doesn't give TWO FUCKS about you.

He bites you?! and so hard that you bruise and he is fekking PROUD?!! He is MAKING his territory on your body with BITE marks! Sick.

As for the pain during sex, honey - the reason it hurts is that he doesn't CARE. He is HITTING your cervix with his penis (hence the pain) when he goes fast or deeper. THERE is no fix for that. UNLESS he lets YOU set the tempo and depth 100% of the time.

While he did stop this isn't going to be satisfying for either of you.

You two are NOT a good fit. Plus he sounds like an asshat.

The most worrying for me is the choking. DID he ASK if you were OK with that? If you like that? If you consented to that? My guess is no.

Overall, this guy is a TOTAL no no no no no no no

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2022):

The fact that he enjoys hurting you and choking you are red flags. This was the first time you had sex with the man and he behaves like this!

IF you were both into these behaviours, it would take time to find these things out about each other and it takes respect, thought and consideration before acting on them. He showed none of these things, just went ahead and hurt you and bruised you. This is not acceptable.

And it was only when you showed extreme distress by nearly crying that he stopped.

You ask, 'Is he abusive and hiding it?'

If he's trying to hide the fact that he's abusive, he's doing a very poor job. The correct way to approach extreme behaviour like his in bed, is to make sure that the other person is fine with it first. NOT to just go ahead and hurt someone, especially NOT carrying on after you screamed from the pain!!

The best way to avoid more painful sex with this person is to get away from him fast. Imagine you have a daughter. How would you feel about this happening to her??

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