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I'm with a girl that is married but doesn't want to be and feels scared to leave

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 July 2022) 6 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2022)
A male age 41-50, *ecretboyfriend00 writes:

Me and this girl have been seeing each other for a little over 6 months now she is married but haven't been together for almost a year he lives in a camper on the property and she lives in the house they have 2 kids a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son . He manipulates her and makes her feel like if she leaves then he would make sure she does not have her kids threatening her also making her feel she's always in the wrong. Hey spy's on her in the shower he tries going into where she's sleeping and always trying to touch her in her sleep. He makes her feel like she can't do it on her own and like everything is her fault. He has even made it to where the kids are talking to her the same the kids.. she wants to leave but doesn't know how... We have talked many times about being together and I really want that more then anything. She keeps saying we can't get because she wants to do it on her own first. And she doesn't want to jump into something and then it just be the same. I don't know what to do ,I feel like I'm just putting stress in her life by always want to just go for it and be together. I want her to be happy and that would make me happy. What do I do? Can he make it to where the kids can't be with her if she's with me? She's a amazing person and deserves to be happy regardless what it is that makes her happy

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A male reader, Secretboyfriend00 +, writes (27 July 2022):

Secretboyfriend00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well I guess I didn't explain each and every detail but she stays in the house he stays in a camper on the property I don't give her money because I don't really have none as a matter of fact she buys me things that I need and is there for me financially more than for her he manipulates her and makes her feel like she's not good enough to make it on her own he really don't threaten me because as far as I'm concerned I love this girl as a friend before anything cuz we've been best friends before this and we had a very good friendship and we still do think it's more like she wants to leave the situation she is in now that has a little bit of a financial stableness because he does work he has money she just wants to make sure that she's going into something that's not worse off. I'm not worried about what possibly can be done to me about him because I'm not going to give up on her I'm going to be there for if it's just a friend or if it's whatever I'm not going to give up on her I know she don't want to be in that and it was her choice I'm just trying to help her find a good healthy and safe way to get out of it the best meets her and her kids.... Yes it looks like some people are looking at it like she's being unfaithful wife or you know to ask me being together while she's married... Because we're like 85% friends with a smaller amount of attraction that is kind of on the respectful side more than anything regardless of what anybody thinks I should do I won't give up on her. And another thing she does tell me everything I tell her everything she makes me want to do better be a better me we've overcome bad habits and everything together we're on the phone or together majority of the day she saved my life after my wife left because she prevented me from wanting to die she made me want to live again so as far as I'm concerned I owe it to her she saved my life I'm going to be there for her for the rest of hers and I believe that what God will meet you as a man that he created right here be there for anyone that needs if you can help help if you can't stay out of it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2022):

You say he makes her feel as if she cannot do it on her own.

Rubbish. She feels that way because it is true. Because she is a woman who relies on men to take care of her and think for her. If she was really able to take care of herself she would have ended this ridiculous situation with him by now and not be living there like this - nor spending any time with him at all. She has to prove she is capable before you say she is. You cannot simply say she is because you don't like the idea that she is not. Her husband might be horrible and nasty

but she chose him and she has chosen to stay with him, even if it is in an odd and unusual way. Look at why she has chosen to stay with him and forget these excuses like he said this and he said that. Only childish children believe everything they are told. If she is old enough to have kids and be a mother she ought to be old enough to sort out her finances and living arrangements too. Sadly it is very easy to get pregnant and bang out babies. Not so easy to do the rest. In many ways she is a baby herself. She is manipulating you so that you hang around and help her.

Before you keep explaining to us what she is like and what is happening with her look at yourself. You are not being wise or grown up about this situation. Seeing a married woman is wrong under any circumstances, you cannot make excuses and say it is different if she is unhappy.

It is still wrong. And it makes it easier for her to stay there with him. She would have to think more seriously about ending her marriage if you were not there in the background when it suits her. YOU are enabling her to continue with this charade.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2022):

She sounds as if she is relying on husband in some ways and you in others - no matter how much she pouts and says she is unhappy. Not the sort of woman who can stand on her own two feet or make decisions. To stand on her own two feet she would need a proper income and proper home - not just a caravan or room - especially when she has children! She lurches from one disaster and argument to another and will continue to do so and wants you there as her safety net. She says she does not want to be with properly and stand on own two feet but that is just talk, just to make you feel that she is more than she is. I guess you give her money. I guess you give her a lot. But what does she give you and why do you want to be with someone who has such a messed up life and such a messed up way of looking at things? When I was about twenty I met people like that and avoided them like the plague, because I knew if I dated them or spent time with them they would drag me down to their low level or hang on my shirt tails. This is the sort of woman who would be with you eventually if she had no better options and then would always be keeping an eye open for another guy who is a better option than you. But what does she offer? Just existing? Just being a female who pleads that she is unhappy. Not much to offer is it?

I always wonder about these people who have young kids and say they are unhappily married. If they had been sensible they would have done what I did and made sure they did not get pregnant in the first place. When I was young and married my husband and I argued a lot and I told him I was going to separate from him and divorce him. He said he would make sure I cannot by getting me pregnant so that I am trapped with him. So I went on the pill behind his back to make sure that did not happen. There are always ways you choose to live your life. The sensible way or the go with the flow and hope for good luck way. Most pick the go with the flow and hope for good luck way and then end up miserable later. It takes guts and making changes to get a better life - for this woman it might mean she actually gets a job and a proper home - on her own. She finds that too difficult or too much like hard work so carries on moaning about her husband and leaning on you instead.

Not nice and not fair to those around her. You need to look out for yourself, she is doing that, now you should do it too. Don't let her children become your priority, leave them to her and her husband. Find a single woman who is more sorted and normal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

I guess you know that old saying "Most people deserve each other"?

She's having an affair with you because she's unhappy in her marriage. Btw, you only know WHAT SHE TELLS YOU!

One other thing. Mothers ALWAYS get the kids unless they are unfit to be mothers.

Whatever her problem is, it's huge and you cannot ne her savior. If you try, you'll get burnt.

Why doesn't she call the police if he's threatening her?

Is she financially independant?

You know, most poeple would run like hell from a situation like this, but after only 6 months of her seeing you on the side, you want to save her? She said it herself, she doesn' want to be with you, she wants to "make it on her own"... why is she with you then? Sex? Fear of loneliness? Be realistic!

Also, she has put you in the middle of her problems with her agressive husband! You have no idea what you are getting yourself into!

She's NOT making it on her own.. She has you at the drop of her hat. You're just a safety pad for her. I'm sorry to be blunt. But that's what it looks like to me.

You don't say anything about your situation. How financially stable are you? People resort to all sorts of things when they are threatened and when they have kids to support. Could it be that she's just using you until she figures things out (e.g. finds somebody who can take care of her and her kids?)?

Be very VERY careful!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

He does not make her feel this and feel that, nobody is that powerful unless you let them. She allows him to dictate to her and listens to him too much. She is immature. She is not sure about ending that to be with you in case you are another mistake - maybe she would he right to regret it. So she makes up excuses to avoid leaving. As for him touching her in her sleep, she should not allow him to come anywhere near her then. She is easily manipulated, but she is the one who needs to change. She must stop being so easily manipulated and it is no good you telling her, you cannot change her. She has to change herself. She should end that relationship and be single for a bit seeing you and dating you before being with you properly... if she still wants to then. What you must also watch out for is that it suits as if she is short of money and you could end up being drained of your money if not careful. And still end up alone and unhappy at the end of it. You should be making sure that you have things in common. If you work and you work hard then it is best to have a girl who is the same so you are not taking care of both of you for money and so on. Especially when she has kids. Why would you want to end up paying for her and her kids too?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

What you are having is an affair with a married-woman who doesn't want to leave her husband. You're getting one side of the story. If things in her marriage are so bad, why would you entangle yourself into such a predicament that could possibly cost you your life???

These are weird times, my friend. People resort to violence at the drop of a hat. If she feels threatened, she'd be better off calling the police; or going to a women's shelter. Having an affair is pouring gasoline on a raging fire! That is, if her husband is the kind of man she claims he is. You do not know what kind of trouble you are adding to this situation should her husband find-out.

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