A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I am in a long distance relationship with a guy (J) I met online. We have been dating for a year and a half and I have known him for around 3+ years. We have made plans to meet early next year and we are both very busy working towards that (working, studying). I have a good friend (K), a guy, whom I have known for around 2+ years. We talked on and off but recently, we are chatting a lot and have been closer than before. He admitted to me that he liked me before but I turned him down as I just started dating J. K is very nice to me and says he treats me like a sister. He doesn't interfere with my relationship with J at all and he cares for me and all that. I asked him yesterday if he had feelings for me but he says that he has no right to as I am dating J. Recently, I have formed a crush on K and I guess you could say I flirt with him. I get excited when he would text me and get anxious when he doesn't reply. (Just like how it was with J at the beginning) I didn't feel weird about it until he asked me if I should be doing that and that if he was J he would feel jealous. I decided that I don't want to be unfaithful to J but I do still have a crush on K. Maybe it's because the long distance thing is getting hard for me and J. Not hard in a "I feel like breaking up" way, but more like we are so occupied with working towards meeting that we do the same thing everyday. We talk on the phone everyday but I feel like there isn't the spark because we connect so deeply emotionally but we have never been physical because I never met him. Please help me. I don't want to do the wrong thing and regret it.Thank you so much.Should I keep talking to K?What can I do to remain friends with K while suppressing my feelings for him?Is it wrong to talk to K more than J on some days?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): Thank you adamantine for your advice.
Is it wrong for me to keep taking to K while having a crush on him but not acting on it? Does it count as cheating? Because I don't want to lose J.
A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Maybe I am old fashioned but in my book you have not been dating J for a a year and a half! You've been pen pals. Maybe that was what you wanted and needed at the time, but now you have a real guy standing right in front of you wanting to be with you.
Are you really going to pass that up for a guy you've never even met? That's just crazy to me. He could be a 50 year old man for all you really know about him. Maybe he is exactly who you think he is, but that doesn't mean your actually going to like the real him if and when you finally met him face to face. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
I say do what you heart tells you to do. Just be honest with J about it and tell him before going out with K.
How do you think J would react if you told him you wanted to go out with someone on a date? That you still want to meet him asap. But that you wanted to explore other options in the meantime. You never know he might be more open to the idea then you think since he must have the same stuggles and desires that you have. I would fine it strange if he didn't.
Personally I would never agree not to date other people for someone I have never met in person. I would just call him a friend I speak to online, not my boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 I think all your concerns are valid.
I reckon if you really believe that your relationship with J is worth it, and its what you truly want, to ultimately meet him and be together, you won't reciprocate K's advances.
It is understandable that you want someone who lives close to you and its very different to your relationship with J (which is probably why it's exciting for you). But please think about J and if he knew? Would all this time go to waste if you were to fall for K?
If you remain friends with K, there will most likely be this underlying tension. K seems to be a good guy, and I think he would understand if you told him to keep it strictly friends only (no flirting, texting etc.)
At least wait until you and J meet. I had the same thing happen to me and I was absolutely gutted when I found out.. I had wasted to much time on this one person for them to ditch me for someone who lived closer.
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