A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My parents have arranged a marriage with someone I really do not want to be with. He is 17yrs older than me, short, balding, overweight, unattractive and the few times I have been forced to sit with him I found him to have bad hygiene! I know people have said to me that loves comes in time but even the thought of this man laying next to me in bed or even having to have sex with him makes me feel to throw up!I have tried speaking to my parents about the fact that I do not want to marry this guy. The first time my father said something along the lines that he would prefer for me to be dead than for me to bring disrespect and shame on the family by refusing now that it is being arranged and planned. The second time it ended with a big argument and my father hitting me. So I know no matter what I do or say, my parents will not change their minds - and all I can do is watch helplessly as they arrange to have me married off to this disgusting man.My culture in India is not like western life - girls here do as they are told by their parents and I can not move out of home like in the West and get my own place. Girls do not do this and those who do this are normally shunned by soceity and have a bad label attached to them and their lives become very difficult as soceity treats them badly and they can be targetted so that is NOT an option. I can not run away because there is no where or no one to run to. I can not leave the country because of visa restrictions, I do not even have a passport and can never afford it and I do not fall under the label of asylum as my life is not under threat as such. I have no one to speak to about this because all of my friends and family do not understand and think I am being difficult. This guy has a good status and he is of the right caste and he is very successful and wealthy so people see it as a good prospect. But I do not want to be marrieed to him, I can not stand him and I know in my heart I could never ever grow to love this man. Spending 5mins alone around him makes me feel sick to my stomach.I am also educated and have been going to university. I had hoped for when I finish to have a job but my soon to be husband wants me to stop unversity and not have a job. It seems all my dreams and efforts have been wasted. And I do not want to just stay home and have babies!I do not know what to do - I have no one to turn to. No one is listening to me and I have no choice in the matter; believe me! I feel I would sooner be dead than to spend the rest of my life with this man! And I know there is no way I could ever grow to love or be attracted to him! Things in India are very very different to the Western life and caste systems etc are very important. I dont know if I am even wasting my time posting on here because people in the West may not be able to identify or understand how these things and our culture works. But I am at the stage I feel no one else will listen to me so why not post on a western site. Thanks all for listening
View related questions:
overweight, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IndianGuide +, writes (1 January 2009):
Listen whatever you are saying seems so unbelievable.
If you can write English as well as you did, you can get job in number of call centers in almost all major cities in India.
There are number of PG (women only) options available.
I simply refuse of buy that if a person can access net to write this, she can't post her resume on Naukri.com or Monster.com.
We got 4 undergrad / no university educated girls working answering emails / phones. And we are a small small company.
I do not know which world she is talking about.
Have you seen too many Bollywood movies from 1970s ??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): I forgot to add you are a major at 18.Forcing a major to marry against their wishes is definitely illegal.Well I am waiting for your answer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Hi Poster,
Please be patient with me.There are many things that confuse me in your post.If you can clarify it We all would be able to help you more.
1.I have been reading posts from India.Your post spells out that you have had an education in the best of schools.This kind of education doesn't come cheap.I should know.(Bugs feels sorry for ma and pa).If your parents can afford such a good education how can you not afford a passport?Surely they made you wear something in gold.you can sell it.Even then running off to another country is not a good idea.you will be running your entire life.
2."I can not move out of home like in the West and get my own place. Girls do not do this and those who do this are normally shunned by soceity and have a bad label attached to them and their lives become very difficult as soceity treats them badly and they can be targetted so that is NOT an option."
Most of the girls are doing this in India even in villages.I moved out of my home by the age of 18.My parents and relatives were against it.I came back home at 24.Offers of marriage poured in from the same relatives.Something doesn't add up here.Or maybe you worry too much about society.
3."I am also educated and have been going to university. I had hoped for when I finish to have a job but my soon to be husband wants me to stop unversity and not have a job."
you show yourself to be in the age group of 22-25.At 21 you would have finished your undergraduation for sure.An undergraduate can definitely get a simple job.India is doing very well.There are jobs galore for everyone even in this recession.I would like to know what was your degree?
I am sorry I have trouble believing that parents who cared enough to give a very good education are making you marry this guy.
Please answer a few questions of mine.
1.Are you in love with anyone from someone outside your caste
2.Did you have a physical affair with anyone.Did people come to know of it.Was your name spoilt.
3.Are you pregnant with someone else's child?
4.Is your family's name spoilt in any way?
My questions might seem harsh to you.But I would like to get the entire picture before proceeding further.I am always here to help you.Help me to help you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Information on Women's Groups in India who might be able to help.
http://www.distel.ca/womlist/countries/india.html
http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/india/indiaorgs.htm
...............................
A
male
reader, a_decent_1 +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Hey Girl.. !!
I understand what you're saying.. !! But i gotta admit that India is a Vast country.. !! Nothing of that sort happens at my place. The girls move out and live their own life and nobody can force them into doing things.. !! Please let me know WHERE in India are you from? Is it a Rural area..?
Now, I can understand that you are being Forced to marry a person you don't really love. It's ILLEGAL anywhere on earth. I am not asking you to file a case against your family because i know how the Police and Law works here.. !! BUT you can definitely ask some women organization for help. There are various WOMEN WELFARE ORGANIZATIONS that are governed by Women and they make Every possible effort to help in cases like you.. !! They'll even help you Settle down and study if u want.
Please let me know where you are from and i will give you the number you'll need to call at.. It can all be alright. NOBODY can decide who you ned to marry.. !! ONLY YOU CAN.. !! And trust me, you'll find a LOT OF HELP here at Dear Cupid. Just tell me where you are from. You City and State.. !!
Also tell me your caste.. By what you are saying, i think you are a "Baniya" .. !! Am i right...? Take care and plz reply soon.. !!
G'day
P.S - Thanx to "DiovanLestat" for giving me the link to this post.. !! I would be glad if i could help this girl.. This one is for you DiovanLestat. ;-)
...............................
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (30 December 2008):
 And I forgot to say - PRAY - it helps a great deal and can move mountains. I'll be praying for you too. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (30 December 2008):
This is so difficult for you. You must try to find a doctor, counsellor or trusted person you can confide in and maybe even enlist their help in speaking to your father. I know this is a problem we do not have in our culture, but we empathise greatly with you. If it helps you to come on here and get it out, then do so, its better than suffering alone. Someone just may have an idea that will help you. Myhusband is Turkish and in the villages the marriages are arranged too, so I understand a little of it and am very concerned about what I hear sometimes. I also know of the frustrations of being with a husband you cannot leave even though you desperately want to. There must be someone you can confide in who could help you find a way through this that is acceptable to everyone. I do wish you courage and strength and every help possible to deal with this. Don't give up, every problem has a solution, you just have to find it. Love and blessings.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Tell your teachers at university what is happening, they may be able to help you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): POSTER REQUESTS HELP FROM AUNTS AND UNCLES FAMILIAR WITH INDIAN CULTURE AND LAWS
As far as I know forced marriages are illegal in India. Agreeing to an arranged marriage with somebody you can grow to love and you respect is one thing. But being forced to marry a man who you don't like is another. Even in India this is wrong.
I'm not sure what religion you follow, but no religion agrees with forcing a woman into marriage. Tell your father that what HE has done is shameful and disrespectful, tell him that your God and your holy book say that this is wrong. Tell them you will never marry this man, never have sex with him, and if they try and force you, you will run away to somewhere safe, or divorce the man and bring down shame on all their heads.
Tell your father what you told us. Tell him that man smells bad, makes your stomach sick, and you can't marry him because you will vomit all over him if he tries to have sex with you. Tell your father there will be no children from this marriage, you will show no love or respect for your husband, and you will continue to shout out loudly, that you were forced to marry a ugly, old man who doesn't wash because your father likes money too much. Tell your father you are not a prostitute or a whore, he is supposed to find you a good husband, not sell you off like a cow... I'm angry, and if your father is hitting you, then it's difficult for you to say these things. But remind him that as your father he must help you make a good marriage, not force an old man upon you for money.
Sorry babes, I'm so angry for you. I am in the UK, we have many Indian girls here, and arranged marriages do work and can be very, very beautiful. But in the UK and India forced marriages are illegal, parents that try to do that in my country are reported to the police and can be charged with kidnapping. Tell them you will say no, you will so no, so the marriage cannot take place. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, DO NOT AGREE. Do not say yes.. They can hate you, they can cry, but at least you won't have to spend your life with this old guy on the top of you.
I don't know much about Indian law, I do know that there are women's groups over there who can help you and keep you safe. I'm going to ask one of our Indian aunts if she has any advice that can help you. For the moment, just say no, you will not marry a man, so ugly and old, who smells, because he makes your stomach sick. I thought in an arrange marriage they were supposed to find you somebody who would be pleasing to your eyes, with a nice personality, somebody who you could grow to love, and who could grow to love you back. What your family is doing is very, very wrong. Things are different now, even in India.
Nope your not wasting your time, we have lots of different people here. I'll ask our Indian aunt to help out, and there are many other Indian aunts and uncles on this board, I'm hopping they will see this post and give you support and advice.
Let me see if I can find any Indian women's groups. Forced marriage is illegal, and as far as I know against all religions in the world. Tell your father you will not marry this guy, but if he finds you somebody pleasing then you will marry and be a good wife. Talk to the guy if you can, tell him you will never marry him, you can't marry him because you can't be a good wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, blackroses2989  +, writes (30 December 2008):
 It seems you are limited as to what you can do. What is you tell the man that you arranged to marry that you dont, and never could grow ot love him, tell him that your parents are forcing you to marry him, maybe he will have simpathy towards you and help to get you out. Another option that you said was not, is that well when it comes down to it its your happiness vs what your parents want, while they want their daughter to have a social status, it seems like they want that too at the cost of your happiness. I know to you this would seem selfish and wreckless, but if I were in you shoes, I would run away and disown my family because it would seem to me that they do not love me. Parents are supposed to love their children, not force them into something that makes them miserable. If they have given you the ultimatum that they would rather see you dead than have your bring shame to your family, then I would leave. You said you didnt think you would have enough money for a passport and visa , but if you can get a job and keep it hidden from you parents, you may be abole to make just enough to get a passport. Go anywhere, England, or maybe even a different city in India. I understand that you can't, understand you respect and love your family and it would be a hard thing to do, but if you dont do something as opposed to telling you parents, whom already have turned a deaf ear, then you may end up married to this guy and miserable. Just try to think of anyway out. Consider what I said, especially telling the man that you are supposed to marry tht you dont want to. Please take into heart what Ive said, feel free to message me any time.
...............................
|
