A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My marriage is in trouble and I need help. I have been married 4 years and we have a little boy together. My husband is a nice man, does provide, makes tea and tells me he loves me. But, he doesn’t listen or take action. For example, we have been trying for another baby which he says he wants, however he won’t ever initiate sex with me - when I have asked him why, he says he will do better next time, but he wants it to be spontaneous. Last week, I made a really big effort to make it spontaneous. I was ovulating, so for 3 nights I initiated it spontaneously, but he didn’t try anything at all with me. I am sick of asking all the time for him to help. Next thing I ask him is for us to not spend so much time in his home town - my step children live there, which I know he has to do drop off and pick ups, but we spend hours and hours there. He has told me he thinks this is wrong too, but his mother does everything for him whilst there (ie, washing, cooking etc), but it still happened yesterday. Every time I ask for a date night, he always says he is organising something, but it never comes to fruition. I organise stuff for us all the time, but I get exhausted of doing it all! I finally flipped last night and asked him to go and give me space, because I can’t take it anymore and now I feel so lost! Last night when I got upset, he just looked at me and said ‘what now’. It’s also stuck in my mind that he said a few weeks ago, I only talk shit! He makes me laugh, he cuddles me and is a wonderful father, but everything I ask for never happens! What do I do? Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2019):
 I honestly think you need to put off trying for another baby for a while. Marriages need to be stable before adding more children. Even if he does want another child, this stress won’t be helping either of you. Now is clearly not the right time to be trying for another.
I think some marriage counselling would help you communicate better. It’s not always for saving a crumbling relationship; sometimes it just helps strengthen what you’ve already got and help you both share your feelings in a constructive way to make progress, rather than have this sort of situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2019): Thank you for your advice. I did post another comment clarifying my view with my stepchildren but this hasn’t been posted yet. I have a wonderful relationship with them both, they are kind, beautiful children. They adore my child too. What I may not have written is that my husband wants another baby too, but he just expects me to do all the work. I do make love to him, but I always initiate it. I will give you clarity over his hometown too - he doesn’t want to be there, but when we pick up the children on a Friday, we always spend all day in his town, we do nothing different and then the children go back on Sunday. . I would just like a life outside of his town for a day to get my baby out the house and do family things. He actually initiated this and said it was boring, but has done nothing to change it. I am not selfish by any means - I am a kind person who loves my husband, but I simply don’t get any effort back and that is my frustration.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2019): Do you want a man's opinion? You're treating him like a sperm donor. Snapping your fingers and expecting him to deposit sperm on command. Where's the fun and spontaneity in that?
If you ask for things with a demanding-tone; or make it seem as though you don't expect his cooperation...the attitude behind your request will kill any willingness to comply or cooperate.
Your husband may not be ready for another child. He has other kids and one with you. You'd probably throw a hissy-fit if he came right-out and said "no!" So being agreeable or promising to do better will at least temporarily keep the peace.
Why would you limit how much time he spends in his hometown, visiting with his mother, or with his children? It would seem you're dictating everything to him; and he's silently rebelling against your pushiness in a passive-aggressive way.
If you're "telling" him what to do, as opposed to "asking" him to do things? That's the problem!
Tone and attitude has a lot of impact on getting cooperation and compliance from your mate. Be reminded, he already has a mother! You're his wife! "Do this...and do that!" He won't eagerly do things for you; because you're not very pleasant or diplomatic about it. The thing about his time spent with his kids hit a sour-note. It didn't seem very pleasant of you! Stay home if you don't like going! He spends hours and hours there? Because it's his hometown, and his family and kids are there!
You want a baby. Maybe he doesn't, maybe not right-now. How will you react if he confesses he doesn't really want another kid? What if he has changed his mind altogether?
I pickup very critical and slightly selfish undertones in your post. You complain a lot. Over things that really don't rise to the level to say your marriage is in trouble. Only because your husband doesn't jump when you say jump. He's your husband, not your employee or a child.
"He makes me laugh, he cuddles me and is a wonderful father,"
A man who meets such a description is flexible, and easy-going; so it seems contradictory that he would never do anything that you ask. Unless he simply doesn't want to do it; or doesn't like the way you asked him to do it. Often that is the case when nice people seem hesitant or unwilling to do you favors. He might be watching pennies, and doesn't think another mouth to feed is a great idea right-now. He may also sense you have ulterior motives about having another child. Dark motives? Most likely, your timing isn't right!
If you want sex, don't treat him like you're using him for his sperm.
If you want to make love, that's different. You're killing the mood! The only reason you want sex is for his sperm! If he really doesn't want another child, or doesn't want one just yet; you need to have a discussion.
Don't tell him what he wants, then assume he agrees; because he didn't come right-out and say he doesn't. His hesitance seems to be throwing you a hint! Perhaps he just agreed on the spur of the moment; because he knows that's what YOU want. If he went back and went-over the family-budget and finances, he may have changed his mind. You don't seem in the state of mind to take no for an answer. If I had to go strictly by the mood and feel of your post. I'd suspect he'd be walking on eggshells!
It may not be the best time, if you feel your marriage is in trouble. That means there may be other things that might be making him hesitant about having another child with you. If you don't seem to like his other kids, for example. You don't even mention if you have a relationship with them; and one could speculate you only want a new-baby to distract him from his other children.
If you think your marriage is in trouble; then work on your marriage before bringing another child into it. If you feel he doesn't seem to do anything you ask him to do; have a calm heart-to-heart conversation about it, to determine...why? Don't expect him to talk about it; if you go into it angry, showing frustration, or approaching him with a hostile attitude. He'll simply go on the defensive, or shut-down on you. He'll become passive and agreeable, but he won't do anything you ask him to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2019): I didn’t explain myself with the stepchildren - I adore them so when they come to us like this weekend, I want to spend time with them in my home, not go and spend 6/7 hours somewhere else - an hour or 2 with their family is fine, but this is every weekend!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 June 2019):
 I think it's a problem of him not wanting another child and also poor time management combined with making promises he can't keep. Him having other children that he can't have full time makes him hesitate about having another child. His other children deserve fatherly love just as much as your child together. More than just pick ups and drop offs. He can be a nice guy but I see his weak quality is not being able to stand firm and say no to people. Probably for fear that you would leave him earlier so he just begrudgingly agrees to what you want initially. Being with a step dad comes with hits own limitations. You have to decide if you can be happy with what he can realistically provide.
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