A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello!I am a married guy in his 40s and I have literally no friends other than my wife whom I met when I was 19 years old. However, I don't blame her or my marriage because my entire life I have had a difficult time making friends. I switched schools every single year, two at most, and while that is not an excuse it made it difficult to make and maintain friendships.I am the type of person who when I am at a team building exercise or a seminar and we are asked to pair up I just want to skulk (or run!) out of the room. Even in college when we had to have lab partners I would often be one of the few left that the professor had to find a partner for. Sometimes I did the work on my own or I got shoehorned into another pairing to make an odd team of three because some well-meaning professor felt it would not be fair to do the work all alone. That almost always made it worse. I remember one time I felt such good luck in that the professor didn't ask us to pair up but just randomly assigned us to a partner. Three weeks in my partner asked if I would mind if she partnered up with someone else (a guy she was interested in). That sort of thing just always seems to happen to me. Always. However, I am not really a shy person. I am introverted but not shy if that makes sense. In fact, I think people might describe me as a little loud. I have no problems with public speaking or anything like that and I am known for speaking my mind. Before I met my wife I had some good friendships with members of the opposite sex and I have always felt more comfortable around women as I was raised with three older sisters. However, those friendships (especially in my early 20s when they occurred) always had the unwritten expectation that it might become something more and once I got married they dried up or else my wife made sure they did. They were never replaced. My wife herself only keeps one or two friends at a time so it is not like I can adopt her social circle. She blames me for that, saying that she'd like to be more social but I drive people off. Maybe I do. I always have, but I am not sure why or how. I am always a little shocked and hurt when, for example, coworkers that have always been friendly with me tell me that they met up at a bar or that they started a softball league or any number of things that not only was I not invited to but I am at a loss for how that even occurred within the context of work. Everyone is very cordial but I don't overhear people often talking socially in my straight-laced workplace. Yet I will see someone post a picture of a bunch of people that I didn't even realize knew each other socially at Yosemite or something like that. It really makes me feel like an outcast.I am doing something wrong? Does this happen to a lot of people? All the advice I have read says things along the lines that I need to take charge and put in an effort to make things happen. Well, why is it that if I meet someone at a cocktail party that I engaged in a nice conversation with I need to be the one to offer to make plans or exchange numbers? Clearly some people are being a little more aggressive at some point - it's just never when I am involved. No one ever offers to stay in touch or to go do something even after an hour of lively conversation about similar interests. Ever. The way people make friends absolutely just baffles me. Do any Aunts have some better advice than for me to interject myself where I am obviously not wanted?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): I get this because I was like you, a few years ago. I had literally no one but my husband. No one bullied me or was mean to me, but they just weren't interested in being friends or getting to know me. Like your workmates, they'd be cordial and pleasant but I then would see photos of them all on nights out etc, and they never ever asked me along. It made me feel like an outcast too. I remember seeing friends having lunch together and wondering, how did they do that? It seems so hard. So fast forward a few years I had my baby, and I thought great, I will make new friends at moms and tots, but I was wrong. Everyone already seemed to BE friends already, and I just couldn't connect with anyone on a deeper level than "we both have babies." So I sort of made my peace with being "friendless forever" and became contented with my life with just me and my husband. He was all I needed. Only then, did I begin, slowly but surely making friends. I'm not sure if I was coming across as too needy and desperate before, or too try hard about it, but once I made the realisation that I didn't NEED friends to make me complete, I was more contended within myself and found people liked me better for it. You say you have always had difficulty making friends, and that you ARE introverted, but not shy. I'm wondering if this misleads people into thinking that although you are polite to them and aren't shy, they percieve your introvertedness as not being interested in having a relationship beyond the workplace and small talk? So they may think something like " he's very nice, what a pleasant guy but he probably wouldn't want to come out with us". You should just gradually talk more and more, perhaps ask people what did you do at the weekend, and if they tell you they all went out, you could say something like, "sounds like fun, maybe next time I could join you!" If you find, despite your efforts that you just don't click with anyone in your workplace, that's OK. It doesn't mean you'll never have friends, just not here, not these people. Join something you are interested in, that way you'll meet people with stuff in common, and will find them easier to talk to. Somehow, I've made more friends than ever before, some through my husband, some through my son, and some through work, and I've literally just been like, I like you. It's felt natural and I don't have to try hard. I remember back when I had no friends I used to try to force friendships just for the sake of having someone to call a friend. Even at times when the person and I just didn't click and didn't enjoy each other's company. This NEVER works. There are also a few websites for meeting new friends, and these are good because they are people in the same position as you. Just remember, you are all you need, and if you accept that you don't NEED friends, that is when you will find them. You won't connect with everyone you meet, but you might, connect with someone. If you do, it will be worth the wait.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 I don't know you personally so I can't really say why people never see you as a potential friend. Are you making enough off an effort? Do you ask them questions about themselves, there lives, share things with them? Ask your wife what she thinks is the problem.
As for work gatherings, why not start up your own? Say Friday night drinks or dinner, ask who you think could be potential friends to join you on a night out, make the effort and get to know them. They night just think you are not interested in friendship because you are introvert. You need to show interest.
Have you any hobbies or interests? Check to see if there are social or sports clubs about you where you can join and make friends. You do need to make the effort.
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