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I love my friend of 17 years

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2008) 27 Answers - (Newest, 17 January 2009)
A male United Kingdom age , *usty Dave writes:

Hi Everyone

i have been friendly with this lady for years, we go out for the rugby matches.

But recently she has split with here husband, due to his drinking and Gambling, and the divorce proceedings are near the end, but i have fallen for here big time, i have been a shoulder to cry on and i have given here good advice, which she was glad of, i am single and here husband moved out a few months ago, but the last time we talked, she said she may give him a chance, and i think he is back, it could be her mistake in my eyes because its more in petty than love, i am now in a state of deep depression and i don't know what to do, i have feelings for her as i felt we were getting closer even though we have known each other for years, i am thinking of waiting to see what happens, but i really like her and i dont want her to get hurt. What is you're advice out there.

View related questions: divorce, gambling, moved out

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2009):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This has been a uphill struggle, my friend has taken her husband back because he begged her, she told me the situation, which i found hard to swallow, but i used reverse pysycology and told her i wish you both all the best, she then text me and i did not answer, she text again i did not answer, she then phoned me and begged me to go and see her, i have been in the friend zone, so i have taken steps to get out of the friend zone, i have taken the alpha male approach and its starting to work, i have lost 2 stone in weight and i am looking good, i have got my fitness levels up, she is looking at me in a different light, i am being tough on her, she is trying to touch me when she can, i passed her place of work today to go to do the lottery, and guess who was right behind my friend, she was smiling and looking at me in the shop, there is a sea change in her, she does not talk about her ex, and she looks unhappy at times, i really cant see them two patching things up, he has caused to much damage in the past, i will keep you posted, she is worth fighting for.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (23 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Liewe

I met my friend again, for our lottery party, but things did not go well, i need your help, she was very frosty towards me, i detected there was something wrong, i think its her ex putting pressure on her, trying to manipulate her feelings, he was at the house before she came out with us, she was late coming out but did text me twice, and it looked as if she had words with him, but i felt as if she was taking things out on me,not sure of my situation at the moment i am in limbo, but her ex is getting into her head promising her things like i can get you a chaeper mortgage if you sign me joint owner of the house.

I don't think i am totally blown out, i just think she has mixed emotions at the moment, especially with xmas coming up, and the stress of that, i am playing things cool and staying in the background, i will not show any desperation, i told her i am in the market for someone after xmas and she smiled at me, so its in the balance at the moment,i have lost nearly 2 stone in weight and i am starting to look good and confident.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (20 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update

i seen my friend today, and she was frosty, i detected this before i even went to the shop to see her, i think her ex husband is trying to manipulate her, i broke through the frost, and she was back to her old self, i brought food for her dinner time because she was so busy, i helped her as much as i could, but we are back on good terms again, our lottery syndicate are going for a meal Monday to spend our £280 pounds winnings, she has asked me to be there at 1.00 clock as i am in charge of the lottery,i will probably put all the cards on the table and say my true feelings, i can't go on in limbo like this, there is no better time to sort things out in my eyes, i love her deeply and i must know whats she is feeling inside, i will fight for her, this woman as been in my company for 17 years and i did not realise how much i love her, i dont go down easily i will keep fighting what ever the outcome.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008):

Sounds good, but remember she can sense your doubts and might interpret it the wrong way. So, please tomorrow when you are going to be with her...think and act positive. Don't give and allow room for any doubt in her mind as to how you feel. You don't have to be forceful, but make your feelings clear. Sometimes we women need to hear it from the guys! Men are known to be more visual, but women, needs to hear things!

Hope all goes well for you tomorrow. You need to be positive and never allow any doubt. Yes, hopefully she was missing you today!

Good luck, keep me posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (19 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Liewe

I am starting to get negative a little, my gut feeling is mixed, because i am getting different emotions, i am playing with a straight bat, but i think there are things going on behind the scenes with her ex, he is manipulative, he made a point of telling me he is off the drink, but he was gambling on a machine while telling me.

I fear she may be frosty towards me tomorrow for some reason, but it could be me blowing things out propotion, i felt like this the other day, and she rung me about sunday dinner, i think we are both in a strange situation, the unknown.

I have used my body language to the best of my ability, i used my eye contact well, and some subtle jokes, i really felt she was responding to my approach, she was smiling and laughing, and leaning towards me as well.

I am afraid i may spook her with my strong presence, i will know tomorrow if i should go stronger in the approach or just slack off a bit, i have stayed away today and i will be late tomorrow to visit her shop, a little bit of absence, makes the heart grow fonder in my eyes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008):

Dusty Dave, you are welcome. I am glad if I can be of some assistance to you. You have done very well until now and it sure seems as if there is interest from her side. I don't see her body language, but you surely must be able to get certain signals from her. What is your "gut" or instinct saying to you at this stage?

Remember, never allow fear, never think negative. No, you are not going to allow some guy to take her! You are going to make your dreams come true! Be positive and be self assured! Don't doubt yourself and allow insecurities to start getting the better of you! Yes, inviting her for coffee sounds like a very good idea. Have you discussed her Christmas arrangements with her? Or her plans for Old years evening? Maybe there is an opportunity over the festive season to spend more time and to get closer! I sincerely hope things will work out for you both and your dreams will come true!

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (18 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Liewe, Thankyou for your lovely replies

At this moment i am terrified someone will snap her up and sweep her off her feet, why have things not happened yet, do you think she is trying to adjust to the situation, i am giving signals,but she could be unsure, a friend told me she has had plenty of male interest and she has turned them down, which i was glad to hear, this could knock me for six if it turns out wrong.

She is so warm to me now and she is smiling at me all the time, do you think i am approaching things right, should i start asking her out for coffee in the mornings, when she is off work.

i am writing a novel, which i asked her to read part of, she was dumbstruck at this novel i was writing, she is a book reader so i asked her opinion, i have never done anything like this before, she approved of it.

So really i am waiting for her to text me or phone me, but i will see her tomorrow at her place of work.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008):

I am very happy to hear that things are going so well for you. I don't think you need to be worried about her being unhappy about the kissing. I am sure if she did not enjoy it, she would have told you or have indicated it to you. It sounds as if the two of you are getting to know each other better and are forming a strong bond. I don't think you must worry to much about the ex.You seem to be very romantic and I am sure she appreciated the gift.

Enjoy each day and take advantage of all the opportunities now over the festive season to spend quality time with her.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (16 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I seen her again this morning

She made me a cup of coffee, and she said she had a wonderful time on sunday, i know i kissed her a few times in the pub, because i could not hold back,i hope it does not blow up in my face, but the signs are good, she has never been so happy, her Ex is trying to get back with her, so there could be choppy waters ahead, but i remain positive, and i will keep chipping away,this is not about sex, it feels like deep love, and i want to take things gentley.

I give her a little present this morning, she was happy, i still don't know how she really feels about me, but there is a big sea change in her attitude to me, when the time is right i will express myself to her and tell her my feelings.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008):

Great, you are winning some ground.What was her reaction and body language like?

However, I think the fact that she phoned you to join her at the other place is a good indication! You seem to be on a good WINNING track.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (15 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

A further update

She came out after Lunch to the local pub, she was meeting some girlfriends as well, but i had a hour with her before the girls arrived, she looked ravishing, and i could feel things were right, i was sitting with all the girls and we had some good converation.

Then she went to another pub and then phoned me to come to that pub, which i did, we had plenty of good chat, and in a round about way i have told her what i think of her, i think she is getting the message, i don't want to get to strong or it might frighten her away, so its watch this space time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008):

I am very happy for you. It all sounds very encouraging. I hope the lunch went well! It is good to take things slow, but as you said yourself, be careful, don't let someone else "grab" her in front of your nose. You know the old saying of you "snooze you loose"! Try to read her body language, surely she must be giving you some indication. I understand your situation, you want her, but you are scared of moving to fast. However, she might also be waiting for you to make a move! I think you will be a lot wiser and have a far better indication after the lunch today. Please keep me posted. I trust that all will work out for you!

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is surreal

My friend has phoned me and she has made me a sunday dinner, she as also given me a radio for my friend, i have to go to her home today, i have betterflies in my stomach,but this is progress, i am a bit in and out with it at the moment, but i live in hope.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am unsure of my position at the moment, i know i am falling deeply in love with her, we have been friends for 17 years, but i am now looking at her in a different light, the old saying it was under your nose comes to mind.

She made me a nice cup of coffee today, but all i wanted to do is hold her in my arms, this is crazy, this is someone that i did not bat an eyelid over.

I dont want to blow this, but i am really afraid she will find someone in the next few days, i will not be able to cope.

I am not slow, i just want to leave things take its natural course, she did say over a year ago that she likes me as a friend, but thats different to a lover.

I have lost alot of weight and i am starting to look good again, she has noticed because she is looking all the time.

I am still in a strange position, not knowing her feelings, and i also fear rejection, which would finish me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008):

The card sounds very encouraging. I am happy that the ex is not a threat to you anymore and that you are planning your moves. I do hope all goes well. Do remember everything does not always go according to plan 100%, so do allow a little leverage for some change of plan,( maybe she surprises you a hug first)!

You are very fortunate as this is the perfect time of the year to get to know somebody better.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (10 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Still hanging on in there,

recieved a nice xmas card with Luv to David and a kiss, also a rugby joke on the card as well.

I am hopefull things will develop, she has confided in me again about issues around her ex, and she really knows its over, even though he is trying to return to her life.

I have played it a bit cool this week, not pushing matters, i have lost a stone in weight due to my new slimming regime which is long over due, i look alot better, and she is looking at me all the time, i have caught her a few times.

The next steps are cruicial, i have rehearsed what iam going to say a few times, i just want to take it easy, i am looking for a trust worthy companion here, but i just want to hold her in my arms and have a really nice relationship, i am ready to commit to a lasting love affair.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008):

I am very happy for you that things are going better.

5 messages, that says something!It sounds great and yes, pursue her in away that you feel comfortable. I do hope all goes well and see no reason why your wishes cannot come true. Good luck and keep us posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

(Further to my last message)

I have seen my friend, my phone is not accepting messages due to a fault, the lady text me 5 times since i put the first message up on this board,i thought she did not text me, i had that wrong, i have seen her and she has been very ill with the flu, we are really hitting it off again, i am back to where i was,she is smiling and really happy, i have cheered here up no end,i feel things will happen before xmas in my heart, she is really reseptive to me, and i feel there is a big change in her.

I must tread carfully not to lose a friendship here, so treding lightly and being suttle is the way forward i think, the last time i went steaming in to a girl, i ended up in a fight, with another lover.

So my approach is to get closer slowly and offer her up to my house near xmas, so she can see what i am all about, and make her part of my life, i have butterflies in my stomach writing this, because i have good vibes about this, i just feel i want to hold her in my arms, forget about all the other nonsense, i am looking for a companion her, i have been ripped apart by my last relationship, and she played some dirty tricks on me.

I feel this lady could be a soul mate for me, we go out watching the rugby, i am Welsh and she is another nationality, and we hug each other if our teams lose to each other.

I am the supreme opptomist, and thats the way to live you're life, in my eyes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008):

Maybe send her some flowers with a card saying something like: "thinking about you, hope you get well soon!"

I still think you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, but then that is your decision. She might be confused and not sure of your feelings and with the ex hovering around it might creat lots of extra tension. I do believe, if she knew how you feel and then made a decision, the picture will be clear...but now, she might be so confused, she might think yo care, but have doubts too...she cannot read your mind.

You need to get this resolved to be able to move forward with your life. Why not just take the plunge and talk to her? It will either bring you both closer or you will be able to move on with your life. Anyway, for now, I think send her flowers, with a messag as suggested.

I do hope you can have this resolved.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have kept away from my lady friend for 2 days, i have been told, she is off sick from work, this is her 3rd day off, as i suspected here husband is back on the scene.

Can anyone tell me will it last, my experience was dreadfull when i had my ex back after she was unfaithfull.

What should i do now, just wait on the fringes or what.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

I understand your feelings and your male ego, but I cannot help but to stress to you how important it is that she needs to know how you really feel. Trust me, as a woman, there is a difference knowing somebody is there for you as a friend and care as a friend and to know the person has deeper feelings for you then just friendship. Yes, sometimes the situation might be as such that we might not immediately respond positive to the news,but knowing the truth does make a difference and makes us women look at our situation with different eyes to. Oh, if have to go into detail about this I will be writing a book, but yes, the choice is yours, however, I do believe if she knows your true feelings it will have an impact on her decisions and who knows she might feel the same way about you but are not sure about you. This move towards the husband might be a very subtle way to see how you are going to react. Are you going to allow it(don't really care/only friendship) or if you do, what are you doing about it. I don't know, I am merely giving you the general thinking of a woman and suggest you be honest about your true feelings.

If you really care and want her and want to fight for her, start to be honest with her about your feelings for her.

Lots of good wishes,I hope all works out fine for you both. Keep me posted.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Some real good responses

I am afraid of the knock back if it happens, call me chicken, but my feelings could not take it, i would slump into a deep depression, and i would possibly ruin a good friendship.

I know you women think different to us men, but we have our pride,and a knock back is a disaster for us men, but i will fight for her, because my feelings are strong, i hope god is with me on this one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

i think you should invite her over one day and put it all on the table (how you feel) and that no matter what you will always be there for her but u just had ta tell her that you were falling in love with her ! and who knows she might feel the same (you never know till you try)

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Liewe Heksie

Thanks for you're reply

Why am i not having signals from her, she is bubbly and quite forward, she has my phone number, i text her Saturday without reply, which makes me think her husband is back on the scene, because she always returns my texts.

I am in limbo at the moment, i don't now wether to twist or stick, if you now what i mean, but i am shot to bits at the moment, i have been single for 3 years and was hurt very badly and dragged through the mire, my wounds had healed and i was alot stronger, but this episode as found a chink in my armour, i am emotionally distressed, because its a friend of 17 years.

I have the chance to see her tomorrow if i want to, where she works, but i am stubborn inside, and one side of me wants to stand back and see what developes.

What would you do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

No, I do mean that you should tell her that you will always be her friend but you need to tell her how you feel about her. She needs to know your real true feelings. You can always explain and say you don't want it to spoil the friendship but that you think and feels she needs to know that you care for her more then just a friend.

Oh, the different language and ways of thinking between men and women will never stop to amaze me. If only at times we. as women, could think like men and read there minds and vice a versa. I honestly believe she needs to know how you really feel about her, not just that you are there as a friend. Stop being depressed about the situation and express yourself. Remember, she cannot read your mind, your feelings, (she might guess it, but not be sure). Be honest and open and then give her time to decide what she wants to do.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Dusty Dave United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2008):

Dusty Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for replying

If her husband is back to the fold, it will be difficult for me to express how i feel about her,she has confided in me over the relationship, but i am not sure what signals she is giving as she is in a state of confusion, shoould i back off and see what she comes up with.

I am deeply depressed as we were getting on so well and i felt we were getting alot closer, i did tell her that i will be there for her what ever happens, but i think she has had him back, which i know from experience will be a mistake, its never the same second time over.

So in my mind i am thinking of distancing myself from her even though it really hurts me, she has my mobile number if she wants me.

Or would you suggest i carry on the way i am a shoulder to cry on, i have advised her over here property and i have advised her about her husband and his antics, but he told her he will change, thats why she as probably given him a chance, but will it last, i doubt it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

I suggest as you know her well enough, be honest to her about your feelings. Remember she cannot read your mind or guess what you are feeling. I think you should talk to her and tell her without putting pressure on her, but she needs to know how you feel.

Once you have shared your feelings with her give her, and she knows how you feel, give her a little time to respond(as she might not respond immediately). Only by being honest and open with her will you know which way forward without doubting your decisions for the rest of your life.

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