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I have an enormous crush on my doctor. What do I do now?

Tagged as: Crushes<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 May 2020) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2020)
A male United States age 36-40, *ools_Breeze writes:

So here's my situation. I met my new GP a few months ago and she's been amazing. She's a great doctor. She gives me prescriptions for my current health issue. She sends me to specialists when I need them. She's always available for appointments. She calls me when she has to follow up on certain things. She's great and dedicated to her job. But I've developed a crush on her.

But ever since I first laid eyes on her my crush has kind of grown. She's insanely gorgeous, she's young and about my age, has gorgeous eyes, amazing smile, very warm, very comforting and charming too. She's wickedly smart and talks lightning fast all things I find very attractive. When I first saw her walking in I was shocked at how gorgeous she was. It almost literally felt like love at first sight. I wasn't even thinking about love or anything before I met her in her office. I was looking at my health reports and when she walked in it was like "Bam". I was blushing hard for like 5 mins. I haven't seen her since that first time due to Covid19 making appointments by phone. But her warm caring voice has been making my attraction grow. But I know if I see her again it's going to be hard to focus without thinking about being with her. Part of this could be transference but I've had many doctors in my life and I've never felt this way before. It's been a very longtime that I've felt this way for someone. Like thinking about her daily and distracted by personality and looks. From what I know about her is that she's about my age, she's young, barely 30, she's not married because she doesn't wear a ring, and she's into fitness with her expensive Garmin watch. And lately I've been more and more into fitness as well. I've always had the highest respect for teachers, doctors and nurses especially so when this warm caring person suddenly talks to me it's hard to not be attracted to her. Especially my luck with women.

But the sad part is I know she doesn't feel anything for me because she always keeps the conversation professional and does everything in her power as a doctor to make me better but never crosses into personal territory. The only time she ever asked me questions about my life was if I was married, had kids and if I lived alone which are all questions a doctor usually asks.

But I'm worried I might need to switch doctors with how I feel about her. The problem is I don't want to hurt her feelings because she's just starting out and needs the patients. A lot of mean people have left her bad ratemds score but I've always had the best experience with her. An issue for me would be that I'd be disappointed if I found out that she has someone in her life and it would complicate my feelings further. She's great at her job but I don't know if I could ever tell her all my symptoms if other health issues pop up in the future. And if I leave her care then I would never see her again which makes it even more sad. So yea lots of conflicted feelings happening with me and I don't know what to do to get over this crush or whether or not I should switch doctors.

View related questions: crush, her ex

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A male reader, Cools_Breeze United States +, writes (29 May 2020):

Cools_Breeze is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Lots of interesting replies.

@WiseOwlE and @anonymous

First of all I haven't seen her once I've seen her a few times, I won't specify how much. And I've never acted inappropriately when I've seen her. I focus on my health issues 100% of the time. I come from a family of healthcare professionals and doctors. Both my parents were doctors, my brothers are doctors and even my grandparents were doctors as well so I respect them completely. And plus I work in the healthcare field I know what the hardships and problems they had to endure to become licensed. I would never use a visit to go and hit on someone. Nor do I intend to. I can control myself when seeing her for my health. I'm just writing to describe how I feel but I've never ever acted on it. And to say I would manipulate someone is just plain wrong. That's the furthest thing from the truth about me. Also I should also clarify that IF I were ever to pursue something I'd first get another doctor.

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A male reader, Justryingtohelp United Kingdom +, writes (28 May 2020):

You are making a much bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. So you've got a crush on her. So what? People develop crushes all the time on all sorts of people - actors, footballers, teachers, even doctors. As long as you understand it's just a crush, why make a massive deal out if it? You only know this lady in a professional capacity. She is good at her job and it is easy to develop a crush on someone who appears to care for us. Keep reminding yourself she is just doing her job. She is the same with all her patients, not just you.

I think it would be a shame to walk away from a doctor who seems to understand your health issues well. Just keep in mind she is a professional and is simply doing her job. Try to meet more people so you can meet someone who is nice to you because they want to be, not because it is their job.

To reiterate, I really do think you are making more of this than you need to. Chill and keep it in perspective.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020):

You know only her professional-side, and you don't really know her as a person. You're too old for adolescent-crushes; so if your attraction is approaching a point of obsession...switch doctors! It's obsession and infatuation, when you possess uncontrollable feelings and attraction for somebody. Especially, someone who is totally unaware of your feelings; or someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings.

Your post indicates you're on the brink of making a move that might prove to be totally inappropriate. Perhaps she needs patients, but not a boyfriend! If she has received competency-complaints; then she can't afford any distractions from the wrong kind of patients! You would compromise her practice and medical-ethics, asking for a date while an active-patient. She has to maintain a high-standard of professional-objectivity; while always keeping her "professional-distance," as not to cause any grave misunderstandings. Anybody going on and on like you have, is likely to embarrass her; and place her in a very awkward position. Please don't do that, sir!

You may be taken by her looks; but in an objectifying-way, you are translating or confusing her professional-care and bedside-manner into subtle-flirtations. Somewhat exploiting the doctor-patient intimacy in a most inappropriate way! You are human, but you also must maintain proper dignity and restraint. You should hold respect for your doctor, not lust towards her!

When you allow your mind to proceed to the point of fascination bordering on obsession; you can't be around a woman in a professional-setting. Her examination room is not used for the purpose you've given it.

Judging by your post, you may react impulsively and impetuously. Maybe it's better you seek your healthcare elsewhere. If she is young, and starting a new practice; the last thing she needs is some enamored-guy bringing-on ethical-issues, compromising her doctor-to-patient relationship, and presenting an unsettling situation; hence, forcing her to relinquish you as a patient.

Her personal-life and marital-status is irrelevant. I found the fact you mentioned that she has complaints from patients somewhat ominous. It's proper to check the doctor's medical credentials and professional-standing before assuming the doctor as your primary-care physician; but it's shady to see it as a weakness that might be exploited or manipulated. After-all, can she afford to lose any patients? You usually avoid a doctor with a history patient complaints or any possibility of malpractice! Your life and health depends on the doctors competency, not how hot she is!

Go find yourself a male-doctor. One that won't get you all worked-up.

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A female reader, hilary United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2020):

hilary agony auntSwap doctors. This poor woman is simply doing her job, none of this is her fault. She has never encouraged you in anyway, and I am sure you would not be her type if she were looking for someone. The longer you let this continue the more you get confused, struggle and suffer. It may also affect how your health works out because you may hesitate to go to her when you need to see someone or say the wrong thing.

You do not need to explain any of this to her, it is a pointless exercise, she does not care, she has plenty of more important things and people to think about.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020):

I agree with wolf1550 you should go for it. But to be cruely honest first you should see if you are professionally and culturally in par with her. Let us be clear she is in one of the highest socially sought professions. So do you think you are up to her level? If so then I think you should gather your courage and ask her in the best way that you can master that you are interested in knowing her and if she cares to have a coffee or if she is seeing someone else. Actually it is very common for girl students to have a crush on a teacher or professor at school and some even go as far as making marriage proposals to them. So don't be afraid and ask. Believe me she will be pleased to know even if she refuses you. that is called human ego. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020):

Friend, I high suggest that you switch to a differend doctor immediately! You are of an improper mind, for any patient, of any doctor. Your Lady Doctor is bound by professional ethics, to have nothing to do with you, except what is called for medically. You state that you have had many doctors and most people have no idea what transference truly is. I suspect that this is not the first round of your having these type of misplaced feelings for a professional person, though it may be your deepest feelings, in your mind. Most likely, you doctor has someone special, already. You do not love her. Your crush is inappropriate. You have only met this lady one time! You know what brand watch that she wears. Your mind is clearly not on what a patient should have his mind on, getting well! Remember that one moment of weakness, one improper statement or inappropriate touch can land you in serious legal trouble and jail or hospital commitment! If you are having trouble coping and these feelings remain, move on!

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A male reader, Wolf1550 United States +, writes (26 May 2020):

Wolf1550 agony auntOK, this is just one old guy talking, but I've been there, but not with my Doctor.

If this is totally playing on your mind, perhaps it would be best to tell her. Say something like "I am sorry, but I am developing feelings for you, even though you have been nothing but professional, and I know I should not. Do you think it would be better to switch Doctors? I am certainly not a stalker, and have no wish to make you feel uncomfortable as you do your practice.

Switch it around anyway you wish, but you can find out if your feeling make her uncomfortable, and you let her know how you feel.

Prepare yourself to be let down, and hope for the best.

In either case you will be honest with her.

I actually dated a doctor 30 years ago. She was still doing her intern work, and in the 8 months we dated, I think we had 3 uninterrupted dates. Just know you will never be first in her life..

I wish you all the best and I hope this is worth thinking about.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (26 May 2020):

kenny agony auntIts really not uncommon to develop infatuations with people in high powered professional positions, such as doctors, teachers, etc.

This is a crush that you are having, and crushes don't tend to last forever. She sounds like she is very good at her job and takes it very seriously. She is seeing lots of different patients every day so she will be very friendly, lots of smiles, eye contact etc as this is part of her job.

when we are infatuated with someone we take the friendliness and the smiles as something more, but at the end of the day she is just doing her job.

I don't think there is any need to switch doctors to be honest, just keep your crush to yourself when you have appointments and carry on being friendly like you have been.

Like i say crushes don't last forever, the strong emotional feelings you are experiencing right now will dissipate over time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020):

Swap doctors. People do it all the time for all sorts of reasons. You dont even have to give a reason. Shes a professional doing her job.

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