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I found a dildo in my boyfriend's dresser and I don't know if he's cheating or using it on himself?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2015)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

hello everyone:)

I'm alone in the dark and don't really know who to ask about this, I'm sort of embarrassed not going to lie.. and very confused! My bf and I have been together for 9 years, we don't live together. Recently well just about a month ago, I found a dildo in my bf's dresser hidden under his clothes..a wooden one on top of it all.. Ive never seen this dildo before I don't know if he had it hidden all this time or it came from someone else.. I panicked! i don't know if it came from another woman or he is using it on himself..I've been moving the dildo around in the dresser to see if it moves while I'm not there, and to find out it's in totally different places every time I go to see him..meaning its taken out every week, and now it's moved out of his dresser.(I only see him in the weekends) And it got me thinking, what if there is another woman! and also another thing, I know he has asked me once or twice in the past to stick my finger in his ass in bed, but that totally turned me off, and didn't know what to think of it I was sort of shocked to hear that from him since he's abit homophobic...

AND also he asked me alot of times to bring over the dildo he bought me a few years ago over to his place, since i don't use it much anymore at my house..

he's reason was because he could use it on me... which I found weird. Now I might be crazy but I think he wants my dildo to himself..

So yeah, I don't know what to do, how do i know for sure whats going on, how do I approach him about this? I'm freaking out..

View related questions: dildo, moved out

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015):

well my guess is that the toy is for him. if you don't want to play with him like that well what do you expect him to do? why not give it a try with him, it makes a much bigger orgasm when my wife uses toys on me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011):

Upon first reading your post I too thought perhaps he could be cheating. But then you mention that he asked a couple times for you to finger his butt. That kind of explains alot. In that case it sounds like he likes a little anal penetration to get off so it is very likely that dildo is his.

Just because you like your anus played with doesn't mean your gay. A little kinky yeah.

I get the sense he is kind of an open guy. Maybe I am wrong?? But if he is, then I don't think you should be too worried about bringing it up. Don't be mad or anything just be honest and open. Tell him you found it by accident, let him know you were worried that perhaps he was using it on a girl. You just didn't know and naturally it left you wondering so you had to ask.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (12 August 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntask him. if you are close enough to be having sex you are close enough to ask.

my bf likes anal stimulation and is not gay... many men do... it's not a crime or a kink... it is what it is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011):

It seems almost certain he's using it on himself. So, talk to him about it.

Being homophobic and enjoying being anally stimulated are two entirely different things.

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A female reader, Juliet Ireland +, writes (12 August 2011):

Talk to him about it.

Wait until you are calm and collected and then talk to him.

Write out, first, all the possible answers he could give you, and from there strongly think about how you feel and what response you would give. Then write them down too. Consider what the outcome would be if he said Line A, or Line B to you.

Eg. Line A - I like it for pleasure.

Your response (as you've outlined) is that it seems to gross you out and confuse you since he seems to be a homophobic. So consider would you be willing to try it for him? work from there. etc.

That way, when you talk to him you wont feel panicked and you won't be shocked to bits because you will be prepared for all the responses he may give.

Yes, anyone would be really stuck as to how to approach this one. Either answer (of the obvious two - cheating/likes it for pleasure) would be hard to hear for most people, so understand you are perfectly normal to be 'freaking out' so to speak.

Try consider this though... he has tried to get you to do things to his bum, and has bought you a toy too - and has asked you to bring it over. All this suggests he likes it for sexual pleasure. So.. the great news is probably that he is not cheating.

The issue then is ... he is self-satisfying himself which could be a no-no to you. Depends on how often too I guess.

Bottom line (no pun intended), you need to see how important this is to his sex life and then work out if you could come around to the idea. If you love him, couldn't you try to do something that will make him happy? Even if it grosses you out a bit or makes you embarrassed. Perhaps ask him to explain why he likes it, how is it different, what it feels like? Even maybe how he came to realise he liked it?

Good luck. xx

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (12 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntAsk. Chances are he is using it on himself for the pleasure. That does not mean he is homo. Some people like being double pleasured.

Talk to him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011):

just ask him. you've been together 9 years. surely you guys are open about everything!?

you sound equally as scared of the thought of him using it on himself than on another woman.

If it's on himself - that's normal. he's made it obvious that he wants to try that, and with you saying no, maybe he's taken it upon himself to try it out. Also, just because he's homophobic doesn't mean he doesn't like the pleasure...

Just ask - he's the only one that can tell you.

Good luck, and keep us posted x

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