A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 40 year old, married, mother of two. I am very bored with my 20 year marriage. I have come to realize I married my husband for the wrong reasons (stability, maturity, and fear of loneliness stemming from my childhood). So, basically my marriage has been a lie that I am taking full responsibility for. I have been married to a good friend and not a lover. Sex with my husband is simply an act I do to release my sexual needs (not an emotional connection to a lover). I work with a man that has attracted me for many years. He is also married with two kids (these kids are from a previous marriage). Recently at a party, I asked him for a ride home and he took me. On the way home, it was very obvious that he and I did not want to go straight home. We stopped to talk at a convience store parking lot and I couldn't help but kiss him. The electricity between us was amazing! This was something that I had never felt and only thought was possible in romance novels. He did take me home after a little more kissing, but we are both very confused. His marriage is in the same situation as mine is and we are both very attracted to each other. I am an honest and loyal person and have never cheated. I will either stay faithful with my husband or divorce him and then pursue this new relationship. I will not be with two men at once. My question is...should I leave my husband and he leave his wife to pursue a relationship where the sexual attraction is great? We already know we like each other. We have been friends for about 6 years at work. I feel like this is what a real marriage is about, being friends and having sexual attraction for your mate. When sexual attraction isn't there, it just gets stale. Help me out!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Life is short. If your marriage sucks, get out.
Marriage is more than being good friends. If it were only based on friendship then how is this different from all your other good friends. Might as well not be married, just be friends.
you need to be lovers too. because everyone has sexual needs, it is human nature. once married you are not ethically allowed to get these needs fulfilled by anyone except your spouse. You are allowed to be friends with people other than your spouse but you are not allowed to have sex with anyone besides your spouse. That is a cornerstone of marriage.
That means the person you are married to has to be not just a friend but also a lover. Otherwise one or both of you will either suffer from unmet needs for the rest of your life or betray the marriage vows by getting those needs met elsewhere.
You can be friends without being married to each other.
Friendship is necessary but not enough for a good marriage. If it were only based on friendship, then why be married in the first place. It makes a mockery out of marriage, if friendship is the only thing it is.
If your husband is just a friend and no more, the marriage sucks.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 December 2010):
IMO it sounds like you are rationalizing your actions. Of course after 20 years kissing someone new is exciting. It is also cheating.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): There are many women who only have sexual attraction and friendship who would give their eye teeth to have a stable and mature man. In my opinion, you are putting the cart before the horse. You are fantasizing yourself into a scenario that includes him leaving his wife for you, you doing the same, and going about life as usual.... Remove husband A and insert husband B. It also sounds like a bit of mate poaching (read up on this).
To another woman, your husband could be the catch of the year. Imagine that for a moment. Imagine him complaining that you are cold in the bedroom and that you were the 'stable and mature' choice. How do you know that he doesn't share the same disappointment that you do? If you both do, then maybe... just maybe... you can fix this thing.
You don't want to be alone? Well, I'm here to say that your approach will certainly get you there. I can only imagine this married man's surprise when you land this one on him. I guarantee that 1) he'll play along to get you into the sack; and/or 2) he'll think you are a psycho and run for the hills.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (6 December 2010):
thanks for your honesty with your husband
and your problem is a very common one
people may blame you for these feelings but
i well never do,
at the end we are humans and sex and love is a very important and initial factor in our lives
and therefor and before you decide to leave or stay
in your curent marriage
i strongly suggest that you seek profeesional help from a good counsellor
because before making a big decision like divorce you'd better be fully aware of all the hiidden facts and all what to expect in the future as a result of your decissions
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You knew what you were getting into when you cheated and now you want other people to get you out of your mess. What kind of example are you setting for your children. You're acting like the child and not the parent. Grow up and attend to your family. You're not a teenager anymore!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "Put the energy you are wasting on this other married man and put it into your relationship with your husband."
I couldn't put it any better than this person "A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010):" has put it.
You are PARTIALLY right (note the emphasis on PARTIALLY), "real marriage is about, being friends and having sexual attraction for your mate", which continues till you are married and have to deal with myriad other things on top of those things, and then you find that "real marriage" is about a hell of a lot more.
BTW, I've been through this, "stale marriage" after several years and kids, wife got involved with another man because I "wasn't available" enough, and then she realized what a shitty thing the whole affair was and ended it. Years and years and years later and many thousands of dollars in counseling and reviewing my work history and our credit card statements and she barely can handle the fact that her feeling things were missing was all one sided and my staleness isn't reflected by our phone records, credit card statements, etc.
Not that I was perfect, nobody, including your husband, is perfect. BTW, neither is your boyfriend...in fact he's a cheater to top it off. Take a close look at your marriage with a counselor before you assume you have the picture right, not with a friend, with a counselor.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): It doesn't matter whether or not he has supervisory status over you. It's still violates labor relations conduct. Check with you Human Resources Department for Rules and Regulations on Labor Laws.
I'm work directly with Labor Relations.
Not a wise idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Don't jump into to deep water. All you have done is kiss him and you're contemplating leaving your marriage and imagine he will leave his? He is most likely just thinking he will get some sex. This is a very bad idea all round.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I'm sorry, but whatever happened to commitment?? It's so sad that in this throwaway age, the minute we get bored (gasp!!!) we're ready to chuck it all and put on a new suit. Marriage is not all kittens and rainbows. Those who think it is are fools for getting married in the first place. I can't believe that you never had romantic feelings for your husband. If that is true, then you have done him wrong in a very serious way. Marriage is a sacred bond where two people promise to be together for life. It's a serious undertaking. When kids come along, then it becomes even that much more serious. Now, your "romantic" life takes a back seat to your family. What will you do if you destroy your marriage (and help destroy your co-worker's as well) and the magic wears off with him? (And, trust me...it will) Then what? You can do this for the rest of your life, I suppose (i.e. chase that infatuation high -- which is all you are really experiencing right now -- once you get bored with your lover). Maybe if you tried working on your marriage, instead of interfering with another woman's family, you'd be pleasantly surprised. Put the energy you are wasting on this other married man and put it into your relationship with your husband. I'm not suggesting any of this is easy, but then again neither is the destructive and selfish route you are contemplating taking. Oh, and btw...fyi ... you haven't stayed faithful to your husband as you claim. You've already emotionally connected with another man who you've kissed. That's considered cheating in most books. Think long and hard about what you are doing here. You are considering chucking your faithful husband for a guy who is cheating on his wife with you. Remember, if he cheats with you he will cheat on you. And, this truth goes both ways and is not lost on your new infatuation. The consequences of what you are considering doing would be felt by your family (current husband and kids) for the rest of their lives. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I want you to really think about what you are doing because it involves the potential destruction of two marriages. That's heavy stuff. What feels so good and right now can prove to be poison later on down the road. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I'm glad that you have at least decided you will go for all-or-nothing: marriage with your husband, or marriage with this new man. It is far better and more honest and ethical to leave your husband than to have an affair while remaining married to him. So many people are too afraid to lose something either marriage or new love interest and try to have both at the same time (ending up in an affair).How 'real' are your negative feelings toward your husband and marriage? were you content in your marriage until you found this new man shares your attraction?If you were to stay with your husband, would you be happy with your marriage or would you forever be feeling empty in it?Have you considered that maybe you are just going through a mid life crisis and that divorcing and remarrying is not actually going to change the way you feel overall?They say you should end a marriage on its own terms and not because you want to start something new with someone else. that's because you don't know if it's going to work out with someone else so that's not the reason to end your marriage especially if you have kids involved. But if the marriage itself is wrong, then that is a reason to end it because it would have been wrong whether or not there's anyone else in the picture.But then again, people DO change over time. You are not the same person you were at 40, as you were at 20 and same with your spouse. Marrying young is usually bad idea because you don't know who you are yet. If you two did not grow with each other and mature together in the same direction, it really could be that your marriage truly is dead and a divorce and remarriage to a partner who is where you are at in life now when personalities are stable, really is healthier. And then there is the issue of your children, and his. Yes you should not stay in an unhappy marriage jsut for the sake of the children. But, were your marriages TRULY unhappy all along, or were your respective marriages OK and workable until you saw that there is a possibility to hit it off with each other?I think it boils down to how serious you are about your marriage being "wrong".I think you and the other man should be making your decisions about your marriage independently of each other. Don't discuss with each other whether or not you're both going to leave your marriages to be together. Don't influence each other since you both have kids involved the stakes are high. The only one who should be influencing your decision to stay married or not, is your husband. and for the other guy, his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Good pt anonymous.
I'll add it's not restricted to boss-subordinate but expands to subordinate-any higher ranked employee.
I was terminated with 18 years invested and a six figure salary for having an affair with a lower level employee who wasn't directly under me.
It wasn't worth all that I've lost.
I resent my cheatee until this day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Actually, we are in different departments and he has no supervisory status over me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): If your relationship is a boss subordinate relationship the boss can be terminated from his position. Factors such as nepotism, etc will surface. Did the boss go the extra mile for the subordinate or subordinates family members or friends? Touchy situation with substantial adverse consequences. Unfortunately this is about to ensue for parties familiar to me. It's so sad, and even sadder neither party know they're about to be confronted about this. Think with your head, considering all consequences from every angle.
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