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I cheated on my long-term girlfriend after we became long-distance. What should I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Crushes, Dating, Long distance, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2014)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

I'm a 24 year old male and I've dated the same girl since high school for over 7 years. Words can't describe how much I love this person and I still do. Almost 2 years ago, she moved to Europe for medical studies because she didn't get accepted into any school in all of North America. I had been a strong opposer of this move from the beginning and she said she had no choice so I agreed to whatever she pushed on me. The first year of our long-distance relationship was quite good and we talked almost everyday and she promised that she would come back to me and never leave again.

Summer came around and she started promising me that she wouldn't ever leave me again. Sadly, she was lying to me. She lied to me for over 4 months because she was afraid I would break up with her if we were to continue long-distance. She told me a week before her flight that she was actually leaving for Europe again. I was in total shock. How could the person I loved so much lie to me about such a big thing? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? I gave her love, affection and everything she ever wanted. What went wrong?

Something happened to me that day. It's almost like I started to feel like a sex-crazed psychopath. I became enraged at her and I wanted to hurt her emotionally. I wanted to giver her a taste of her own medicine with lies. I started to lie to her about everything. I started to cheat on her regularly. I started going to bars, clubs and parties like never before and I slept with more women than most men could even dream of. I learned all sorts of tips and tricks to pick up women and I used them all. It worked very well. It also helps that I am very wealthy and quite decent-looking. This has been going on and on until 2 months ago when I moved to a different city and started a new life.

We broke up 2 months ago for totally unrelated reasons and I'm quite happy with my life right now. However, I want to get back with her and so does she but I don't want to base our relationship on lies anymore. She's been telling me the truth about everything but I haven't. There is only one problem: she has no idea that I cheated on her last year nor does she know that I've had relationships with multiple other women since we broke up as well. She says that she wouldn't be able to take me back if I'd ever done that.

What should I do? I feel like I only have 4 options:

Should I stay broken up with her and stop talking to her forever?

Should I stay broken up with her and tell her about all the things I've done?

Should I get back with her and tell her about all the things I've done?

Should I get back with her and not tell her about all the things I've done?

I still love her and so does she. I don't even know how I let all of this happen but it did and now I wan't to go back to my past and fix it. She wouldn't ever take me back if she ever found out any of this. What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Guilty Cheating Liar.

View related questions: broke up, liar

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014):

Anon 123 is a little bit harsh but not entirely wrong. Though I do place blame on your gf as well. Long distance can either make or break a relationship and obviously it had broken yours. You two didn't clearly consider the effects that distance would do and it appears the discussions you two have had were not honest enough. She should have told you that she was not coming back for a while earlier on so that you both could plan things properly. So told you last minute and pissed you off- at this point you should have broken it off with her not because you are angry but because at that point you decided you couldn't do long distance anymore. Then, you could have dated and slept with as many women as you wanted to and have no guilt for doing so. I do not doubt your feelings for her, but if that is the case then you need to tell her. If you two are still in different countries then don't get back together. At least not yet. Wait till you two are in the same country and want the same things in life, then talk about it. If she loves you as much as you say then she will take you back. I don't feel as though you need to beg for forgiveness, just admit you're wrong and say you're sorry, make promises to her and don't break those promises again. If she cannot forgive you then let it be, you can force her to be with you again but she will bring this up and always have trust issues with you- and the relationship will be full of arguments and that's the worst way to end it.

Otherwise, time to let this puppy love go and find someone else that you can make happy. Life always goes on and sometimes always for the better xx

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (30 May 2014):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Anonymous 123...Well said!!! As for you OP...Stay long distance.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (30 May 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou're extremely immature and not ready to deal with any kind of relationship. Your girlfriend goes to Europe to study medicine and you get mad at her? That's your definition of love? You cant even support her decision to pursue her career, what "love" are you even talking about? She lied to you about going back because she knew you were too much of a baby to handle the truth. Yes, she shouldn't have lied but then again who would want all the drama that you would dish out?

You were looking at this entirely the wrong way. Just because your girlfriend went to Europe didn't mean that she didn't love you or that your relationship wasn't working, it just meant that she didn't want to give up on a career that she was working hard for. Stop trying to be the babe in the woods know all this all along but you were just blaming her so that you could take your revenge on her for leaving you. You never loved her OP, you just love yourself, you love the money and the "decent looks" that you work to your advantage and you couldn't believe that this woman would have the audacity to leave YOU for the sake of her career.

You cheated on her not once, not twice but many times. This just goes to show that you didn't feel any remorse or regret the first time that you did it and you just went ahead with it simply because you could. You only love yourself. You never loved her. And if you think you did/do, you can keep telling yourself that.

Why on earth do you even want to get back with your girlfriend? For heaven's sake do the one good thing and leave her alone because you don't deserve her. You've cheated on her, lied to her, betrayed her, broken her trust...basically done everything that you could have done to hurt her. Do you still have anything left to offer? And why are you even considering getting back if she's still in Europe? Because you're done punishing her? Or because you have no one to go to and she's the best option?

She deserves to know the truth and that's the least you owe her so tell her whatever you've done and then let her decide. If she's foolish enough to accept you despite all your shortcomings then good for you! If not, you'll get what you deserve.

And in future, stop trying to play God and punishing people for hurting you because in all your glorious smartness, you'll be the one who will get hurt the most someday.

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