A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 years old and my boyfriend is 31. We have been together for about 3 and a half years in total, although the beginning was very on and ,and we live together. Recently I have been feeling very unsure about the relationship. I have discussed this with my boyfriend and so has he.We are very different as people – I am more happy-go-lucky and he is more cautious. I love going to festivals and he won’t even try. He is a saver and I am a spender. In some ways we compliment each other but in other ways we clash. I think we both have different ideas about what we want from our lives. I just get the feeling that something is missing from our relationship and I am not sure what. Our sex life has never been amazing if I am honest, and recently we hardly ever seem to do it, which I think is a symptom of us drifting apart. We have discussed this and agree we want to do it more yet we just don’t. On the plus side we care about each other deeply. We trust each other and treat each other well and allow one another freedom to be ourselves. We get on and do have fun together, although I find myself doing things alone or with friends that I always thought I’d do with my boyfriend. Our lives aren’t as intertwined as other couples seem to be. We are very affectionate towards each other help each other out wherever we can. He is kind, loyal, honest, generous and loving and has many other amazing qualities.In some ways this is the best relationship I have ever had but it just feels like it lacks passion. And at the beginning of our relationship he dragged his feet and wouldn’t commit, wouldn’t allow me to meet his family, wouldn’t refer to me as his girlfriend etc and I think I resent him for this, even though all these issues have long been resolved and I realise that neither of us can change the past. We are having a bit of break from each other at the moment as he is away for 3 weeks with family commitments and I am going to visit a friend abroad. We are still very much in a relationship but agree that we should use this time to think about what we want. I think that we are now reaching the stage where we need to decide whether or not this is forever, and if so we need to put the relationship first and commit fully. Part of me is afraid of being single after all this time. Last time I was properly single for any length of time (and by this I mean not even a casual fling) I was 22 and I knew a lot of single people and met a lot of guys. Now almost everyone I know is coupled up. I think that I would be single for a very long time if we split. I would also have to find a flatmate as I can’t afford to live alone which would feel like a real step backwards after living as a couple. Also, everyone I meet says how lovely he is and how I should hold onto him and I know I am lucky to have him. I worry that letting such a good guy go would be a huge mistake. I sometimes wonder what more I could want in a guy! On the other hand, when other people talk about their partners they are sure they want to be together and seem to plan for the future which we don’t. I am also worried that we will drift along in ambivilance, not being sure and never making the next step in commitment and one day one of us will meet someone better suited to us. Or, worse, we will miss out on meeting "The One" because we are together.I really don’t know what the best thing to do is and I know no one else can tell me but getting someone else’s perspective on it would be nice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): You are in a true LTR, and must work to understand the differences in the two of you.
Those differences exist for very important reasons.
"On the other hand, when other people talk about their partners they are sure they want to be together and seem to plan for the future which we don’t."
Why?
You know what is happening, but not the why, and more likely than not it has to do with both of you and after three years you are mature enough as a couple to figure that out with help.
Go see a couples counselor, and see if you can figure out where this is headed.
Not easy, but if you don't do it together with help, more likely than not you will end up splitting up, hopefully not after you have children.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments but I think you have the wrong end of the stick. I really don't want children and have never been particularly bothered about marriage. M
What I want is to be happy which I am not now, but I dion't know if it would be better to be out of the relationship or in it.
It may well be out of my hands anyway as he isn't as happy as he could be either. I hope to be clear in my mind about what I want when we return from out travels.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I don't think you are going to get a magical, instant answer here, but I think after 3.5 years you have a pretty good sense of what is going on here.
From the sounds of it, it appears that you've reached a lull in your relationship and you are both on the fence on whether you want to take it to the next level. Let's face it, it sounds like you want to get married and perhaps even start a family. You are looking at a lifetime commitment with a man you value and on some level, love, but after 3.5 years, there are no longer any fireworks.
Living together sometimes blunts the affect of being in love, in my opinion. Because let's face it, you are in a sense married already -- the only thing you are missing is the legal paperwork and the signature on the dotted line that indicates you plan to hang around for forever. And now that you are looking at that situation, it scares you.
Again, I don't think there is an easy answer here and with the time apart from one another, I think you'll gain some insight into whether you want to be with this man. While you indicate your differences, you really don't discuss how you get along and how you meet each other half way -- which is a key component of a successful relationship. Also, do you genuinely enjoy each other's company.
I think you need to list all the positives about your relationship and what has kept you together for 3.5 years. Despite the declining sex drive (which can be remedied if both of you dedicate yourself to it) you may have the workings of a successful couple.
In addition, it may be worthwhile to talk to a pre-marriage counselor or even go solo. Perhaps you are already know the answer to your question but are just afraid to make a move or a mistake (after all, you are already playing out the "what if I become single" scenario).
Either way, I can't give you a direct answer other than the choice is yours and what you want for yourself when it comes to a husband.
Good luck.
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