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How do you treat your soon-to-be ex-husband as a friend after being together for years?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 May 2016) 1 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

We were a couple for 10years, married for 4yrs. What issues I saw we had when we were young and didn't really focus on resolving it before it manifested during our marriage.

It didn't help that I went through several personal strategy and depression kicked in.

Long story short, he and I have made valiant efforts to bring the spark and romance alive along with our longstanding absence of a healthy communication. We managed to bring the friendship back and we started doing things together again.

We talk more heart to heart than we ever did but still not quite ideal. We still care for each other but we just can't live with each other and could never support each other in ways a husband and wife deserved (emotionally, sexually, mentally and even spiritually).

We've agreed but ultimately I had to make the decision that there's no other ending in this marriage but to end it because we HAVE BEEN craving for different things in life and expected the other to see it that way eventually too, based on our own individual experiences and even if I'm willing to meet him halfway, he just doesn't want to take that risk again bec. he's been emotionally beaten in this relationship as well.

We get along now because there's no pressure. The issue is I still can't move out to start the "separation" because I want to have his house free of clutter (we've accumulated items from family and never went through it, he also has several things, house needs repairs etc.). He's been there for me and I want to still be there for him.

So in the meantime, how should we act around the house while were doing this since ultimately divorce is where its heading? I dont need the legal advice. I need the emotional advice because obviously, I've never done this before. He was the only man I trusted enough to marry and have sex with. I've had only 2 relationships my whole life. I dont count the casual dates or encounters prior to those. And we don't have kids.

I see a lot of articles for separation and divorce life with children but since we dont have any, were clueless. My hope is that we remain friends but I know he and I will need some alone time pre-during-post divorce process.

Thank you.

View related questions: divorce, spark

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (30 May 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf you need to stay with him for a while then I suggest you both set ground rules. You where married so yes it is going to take a while getting used to being flatmates now. Sit down and talk to each other establish how you will both behave while you have to stay there, for example I would suggest no dating others until you are living apart, as this could upset one of you. Also you could work together to pay bills ect, but I would suggest making your own dinner and cleaning your own mess, don't be washing up after him or looking after him like you may have done and vice versa.

When you do move out, you will both need your own space to adjust to single life, distance will be needed as you cannot rely on each other as friends as you where much more than that. I would suggest no contact for a while until you both feel you have moved on and you are in a good place.

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