A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI have a generic question, the abusive boy friends or the ones who use people for their purpose and throw them away like dirt, how do they live with themselves, knowing that they hurt several people.I have a bf I believe soon to be ex, he stopped picking up my calls and told me I don't have any dignity for keep on trying to make him stay with me. Anyway when he borrowed my live savings away, it didn't occur to him that I never had dignity, now all of a sudden he finds me repulsive. BTW I don't believe in God but my bf does believe and he goes to church every Sunday. Being God fearing, he shouldn't be abusing people right. I really wanted to know why he does behave the way he does or is it meI wanted to know how do these kind of people live with themselves, how do they sleep at night. Please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 in response to your answer someone said it below! he gained your trust then abused it, but that is not how he sees it, he justifies it to himself by blaming you for your stupidity and trusting him, people like that use code words that only they understand, so that they can live at peace with themselves afterwards... they never speak clearly and omit the truth! You know what they say half a truth is a bigger lie and a whole lie!let me give you an example. Everyday Joe: can i borrow money from you, i will pay it as soon as i can, on my next pay check! (clear, precise nothing to hide)user: you know you are the only person i can count on (ultra emotionalism), i really need you to help me out!... i am in a lot of trouble and i need you help me with money!!! would you be able to do that? (never spoke about giving it back, or even asked you directly) this are clear things that you don’t pick up on when you trust the person.in both cases you are being ask for help! but the difference is the wording, now when you go back to the abuser and ask him/her remember when you ask me to borrow money? the *abuser* well unveil it, and explain to you exactly what they did: by wording their sentence that way they never asked to borrowed money from you, but that you offered to give it to them furthermore, they never agreed to pay it back!...( I work for a small family legal court, and he have this problems a lot )Anyway this is just an example on how they justified it to themselves the trust violation!... because it serves their purpose, sometimes you think you don’t need to protect yourself because they are people you trust. But…i know this sounds horrible, but people like this show you a part of the world that is not so beautiful and rosy, and unfortunately they reminded you that no everyone should be trusted, it is painful and i doubt you will get through to him as he has already put his guilt to sleep in a pillow of justifications.just remember let your experiences make you better not bitter.good luck!
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (8 December 2012):
 There are good responses here, but I thought I'd add a bit more. I think the reason people can use and abuse and not feel anything is that they are simply lying to themselves. They have reasons and justifications, and little empathy. I have heard it said that though the sun shines all over the world, any one person can block it out with his hand. That is to say, all you have to do to avoid feeling another's pain is to block it out. We all do it to some extent in order to survive; it's just that users/abusers do it a lot more and extensively.
That being said, what Cindy and Cerberus said is true, too. A person can only be used with his/her consent. The question is why you let yourself give him your money. Perhaps you, too , were blocking out reality in order to see things that were not there.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (7 December 2012):
 Most of the time, their behaviour stems from one of two deep seated issues: either they have had problems at a young age that caused the behaviour, if their father was abusive then they may believe their behaviour is normal. Either that, or they have a mental medical issue like aggression problems or other disorders. But all people deal with things differently, some enjoy it because it makes them feel big, some dont recognise or ignore that they are doing anything wrong, and some feel awful about It and may seek help or turn themselves in.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 They sleep very easily, because they had no concerns to begin with for the possible feelings of the people they used. If they had the least qualm about hurting these people... they would have abstained from doing something that was going to hurt them , simple, no ? If they did not give a f..k before using these people, it's a bit too much to expect that remorse will keep them awake at night after they have used them.
I am afraid that I have to agree with Cerberus, and while at first it may sound like a grim, bitter view of human relationships.. actually it is not. I am optimistic, so far my permanence on this planet has convinced me that, strange but true, there's more good than evil and way more kind , considerate, decent people than callous assholes.
But, the problem is that it only takes ONE, to do you harm, like the one who cheated you out of your life savings.
It's like driving, even if most drivers are careful and competent, all it may take to fuck you up is ONE idiot of a reckless DUI , so, while perhaps some times you still won't be able to avoid a crash , at least you MUST always be safe , protect yourself and keep your safety belt on.
When you gave him your life savings ( I suppose without any collateral or signed agreement ) you were driving without safety belt on- and shit may happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): Easy, because "victims" are partly to blame for it so why should they care? We only get used and abused if let people do those things to us.
I mean I've never been abusive and never will be but I spent a few years hooking up with random women for one night stands. Some of those women regretted it the next day or thought I used them when they figured out that it wasn't the start of anything I just wanted one night of sex. Why would I feel in any way bad when I never said it was anything more, to me it was their fault for not ensuring their personal conditions were met before sleeping with me. I only wanted one night of sex, if they wanted more they should have ensured that was what I wanted to, it's not up to me to protect the feelings of others when I just wanted sex and would have happily told them that's all it was. Any time a woman asked I would tell her that, some said that's not what they wanted and didn't sleep with me, others admired my honesty and slept with, others thought they could change my mind and slept with me. I'm not responsible for the feelings of others.
OP you're the one who willingly gave him your life savings, now if you didn't make a written contract for him to pay it back then whose fault is it if you don't get your money back? His for not paying but also you for not protecting yourself better. I'm not saying he's in any way right, he's a morally corrupt asshole that shouldn't do this kind of thing but he can easily justify it to himself by blaming you and he does have a bit of a case there, you should have been smarter. That's all there is to it.
Do I regret hurting the feelings of any of those women? Not for one second, they hurt themselves by not being smarter and protecting themselves. People only use if we consent to being used, people only abuse us if we don't stand up for ourselves and allow it.
Simple really, he got what he wanted and when he was done he threw you away, you could have taken greater precautions but you didn't.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 December 2012):
 I'm sure it's little consolation for you to learn that those who use and abuse others march to an entirely different drummer and beat.....
You've mentioned his belief in God.... but must admit that, if it's the "God" that many of us understand the Supreme Being to be, he's not following the rules.... is he?
So... chalk up his theft of your money to a painful and expensive lesson.... and, as you set out AFTER DUMPING him, be more cognizant of just how creepy some people (some GUYS) can be, and be on the lookout for them... and AVOID them, whenever you can...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 December 2012):
 They don't believe they are doing anything wrong. Everything they do is somehow rationalized and justified. The only time the behavior is wrong, is when it's being done to THEM. Then they go into full victim mode.BTW, the "act" of going to church doesn't determine whether or not someone is a good person, or even a "God Fearing" person - How they live their life when not at church, and out from underneath the eyes of their fellow-church-goers, determines that. So I think it's safe to say that your ex is neither of those - but I would be willing to bet that he has a justification for every bad deed he has ever done.
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