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How do I deal with shame of video being exposed?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2022) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2022)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am getting legal advice on this but I also need some personal advice on how to manage a nightmare I have created with a really bad decision. On a dare and because of my own insane vanity, I auditioned for a pornographic movie. It was very sketchy in a crappy motel. I obviously had to get naked and there was this really weird interview about my sexual experience (which is not a lot) and then they took a lot of pictures and some video of me with two women. I did have a condom for all that. It all took like 4 hours and I had mixed feelings the whole time like both an ego trip and guilt trip. At the end I was offered a part in some movie which fed my pride and ego, but I turned it down because it was just a prank. I signed a release at the beginning so they like own all the video and pics they took. Somehow they found out I did it as a prank and got mad and a person sent me my audition video which is like an edited deal but still almost two hours of stuff and told me I owed them $5,000 for wasted time and expense and if I did not pay they would post the video online and to the website at my church and send it to my parents at their business and I don’t even know how they got that information. The other choice was to be in their movie for no pay. I have only shown it to two friends and a lawyer. The lawyer said what I signed says they own the video and images and they could post it all but extortion is illegal and she is going to talk about it with police to maybe catch these people for threatening me. I don’t know how this is going to turn out and there is a good chance this video gets out. In my opinion I come across very cocky and crude in the interview part as I was like playing up like I wanted the part and then I was like so obviously clueless and nervous about a lot of sex things when they were having us do stuff together and you can hear someone say “amature hour” and calling me a “wannabe.” It is embarrassing I am naked in all of it and doing awkward sex things and closeups of private body parts and I am ashamed when I watch it. Thinking you are attractive or look hot naked is not the same as what this video is like. It is just gross and reminding me what a sinful thing I did. It is hard to explain the dread and doom and shame I feel and I just want to hide in a hole somewhere. I feel so bad for people who have to be in these videos for real for money now. I feel like I need to prepare certain people in my life though in case this comes out – my parents (who love me but are going to be so disappointed), maybe my pastor or youth pastor at my church (in case it ends up on their website), my ex-girlfriend to whom I am still close (I was a much better person when I was with her), my grandmother maybe even though she is not online, my sisters (who are going to make fun of me and call me an egomanic but will also give me support I know), someone at the school I attend because it is a private Christian school and I don’t know if I can get expelled for something like this, and I have a scholarship from a religious organization and I am pretty sure there is like a morals clause or whatever in that and I might lose a scholarship. I also feel like I should resign from Fellowship of Christian Athletes because I don’t want to embarrass FCA. I am not blaming anyone but me even though I think blackmailing me is pretty evil. Either way, how do I prepare the people I care about for what might be coming? I have repented with God and trust in His forgiveness even though I don’t deserve it, but I am just needing to get ready to reap what I have sown. Thank you for your advice.

View related questions: christian, condom, ex girlfriend, grandmother, money, my ex, porn

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2022):

It's obvious this was a set up and nothing to do with wanting you to star in a film. Get over yourself. If they want someone for a film there are a lot of guys out there with better bodies who would be better on screen and better with women. And many of them would do it free. It's women they struggle to get for sex and women who get paid to do it. It's only when you become famous that you can get money for it when you are a man.

This all sounds to me like this is your fantasy and writing it down and sending it to this website gives you an orgasm. Hope you enjoyed it, because I very much doubt this ever really happened in the first place.

Friends do not do these things to friends. If someone dares you and set you up they were not a friend, a friend is someone who cares about you.

And even when someone dares you a normal person says no way, that is not my thing and does not turn up.

You try very hard to blame everyone on the planet other than yourself for what happened and paint yourself like the poor little lost sheep who got victimised. But it was down to you for turning up.

When guys like this pick on people to get some money off them they pick guys like you, naive innocent types. Even though you have a lot less money than others. The others would bash them up or laugh in their face. They know that someone like you would fall for it and do what they want. Because you are not worldly enough to know what to do without asking for advice.

Half of the questions we get on this site are people who are not really asking for advice but telling us their fantasy. Pretending it really happened. Very often half of the agony aunts who answer can't spot it. Remember they are amateur agony aunts. It's not their real job and they have no qualifications.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2022):

Sweetheart, I feel so bad for you. You made a mistake because you are young but that gives no reason for those low lives to try an blackmail you. That is illegal. For the love of god, DO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY OR DO ANOTHER FILM. That is how human trafficking begins.

Please open up to your parents and ask them for their support. You need that more than ever right now. Stop feeling ashamed. You'll cause yourself a lot of mental damage. You've felt bad long enough.

This will soon pass. You've also learned a valuable lesson too. What may sound and look good, isn't always how things are.

I wish you best.

Take good care of yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2022):

Jesus Christ was betrayed by his friend who sold him for 30 pieces of silver.

You too have been betrayed by your friend who suggested this as a dare.

Jesus was beaten and humiliated and physically damaged.

Fortunately your body hasn't been damaged but you fear your soul has been tarnished and your reputation.

At least you are conscious of having a soul and feeling regrets.

The idiots who dared you either did it deliberately in a premeditated way or thoughtlessly.

You accepted the dare and followed through.

So you have to learn that accepting a dare is not a good thing, but no one got killed or injured which is a good thing.

The blackmailing is despicable but at least you see the cheap and tardy side of the porn industry.

If you can see that this crisis doesn't define you, then you will be able to move forward but please be mindful that these friend(s) are immature or envious of you and your achievements to date.

Don't have excessive guilt or shame or you will remain easy to manipulate.

If it brings about changes to your present lifestyle you can still move forward at another educational place etc.

You are not to damage yourself in any way out of shame or regrets etc.

This is a learning process and you can emerge from this as a stronger person if you don't give up and refuse to let one stupid decision destroy you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2022):

What's basically happened here is that you were "catfished" albeit in a far more elaborate form and without any of the usual pretext about romance. Basically, like in any catfishing scheme, you were enticed into exposing yourself naked, video recorded, and now the recording of you is being used to blackmail cash out of you. So at some level you can stop feeling as though you made an *exceptional* error in judgement because this sort of thing is happening to *a lot of people* when you consider it for what it really is, as opposed to waking up one day and deciding to be a porn actor. When you have to discuss it, just keep the topic in the realm of catfishing. It's embarrassing but it's also common these days. To however much that helps, it should help soften the blow of potential disclosure. I should point out that the production crew was not likely "real" as no adult production outfit would ever make such a threat. This is a catfish crew pure and simple and that's all that has happened here. Hope that helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2022):

Dude,

I feel so bad for you. Yeah you made a major mistake but these people are wicked jerkheads for blackmail on you.

If you did give in to them I bet it would never stop. Do one porno movie they will make you do another. Or pay them some money and ask you more. Why not? They are evil evil aholes who have you at their mercy.

First, I say follow the advice from Owl and Honeypie. They are the smartest people on here and they always make sense. So do what they say dude.

Second, if you tell your parents and you know they love you then even if they are disappointed they will not stop loving you. I mean you are their son. They know you are not perfect. My parents know I am not perfect for sure but they still love me. The times I have messed up and like got humble and said ok um guys I really messed up they were like ready to support me. When I hid stuff and they had to force it out of me it was always worse. So that is just what I think about talking to parents.

Third, why would you tell your ex-girlfriend? That is a bonehead idea even if you still like her. I mean if she was your current GF i see that.

Four, you need to dump the idiot friends who dared you on this. If this is a college frat thing then you need to quit that place. You do not need people like that in your life.

BTW dude, I am not judging you. You sound like you are really sorry and stuff. Sounds like you need a legit hug. I not an expert on praying, but it works for a lot of people including my GF and her family and when I go with them to their church I am sure those people are not perfect but they sure seem happy and friendly so I guess something they do works for them.

No matter what happens you are just a human being. Everyone makes mistakes, including a lot of people who have stuff on the internet they wish they did not do you know. I bet it is in the millions on people who have posted stuff they regret or had stuff posted against them.

My GF said to read Luke 15:11-32 if you are worried about talking to your parents. It is about a son who messed up she said so maybe it is a good thing to think about. She said she will pray for you and she means it when she says that.

Your friend, Calvin (alias)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022):

These people obviously do this over and over again repeating this way of getting money out of people. Your ego tells you they want you to be in this movie - nay. They can get someone who is a better actor and better looking for that, they were just after your money the whole time. It is how they earn their living. Wise up.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 September 2022):

Honeypie agony auntI would follow WiswOwlE's advice/

FOLLOW your lawyer's recommendations to the letter.

If he tells you to inform your school, well then you should and you should own your own actions. If he tells you NOT TO, then don't.

Personally? I think the only people you HAVE to tell are your parents. And yes, they will be disappointed in you.

You made the CHOICE to do this - prank or not. Now own it.

Every one of us is flawed, OP

EVERY one of us does stupid this in the course of our lives.

Learn from this. This was not a fun lesson to get in humility, trust, and respect but perhaps one you needed.

Consider the people who suggested YOU do this "prank" are they really the kind of people you should be around?

Be better and do better from now on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022):

Wait! Trust in God, and take your lawyer's advice. When you've hired legal representation, you should follow the attorney's instructions closely. The attorney has already reported this to the police; and hopefully you've got some evidence of the extortion and blackmail.

I would hold off on going to your school or mentioning anything on a pending case under investigation. Right-now, everything is between you and your attorney. If anything gets out, that's when you face the music. You need only confess your sins to the Lord. At this point, it's a mistake; and you don't need to stir-up any controversy that could make you lose your scholarship.

You've committed no crime, but you have made a moral mistake. Moral mistakes are forgiven and forgotten by the Lord as you know, as long as you are repentant, ask for His forgiveness, and won't repeat your offense. God forgives and is merciful, many times over.

Everyone makes serious mistakes that we regret. You've been taught to pray and have faith; so do what you've been taught. God will bring you peace of mind, and the strength to get through all this. Just follow your lawyer's advice, and pray.

I believe everything is going to be alright, and so should you. If things don't turnout as hoped, you don't have to answer to anyone about it. If you disappoint your parents, or get expelled; God gives you the chance to atone for your mistakes, and you will be forgiven. It's a lot for someone your age to have to deal with all this; but you've taken all the proper steps so far. You shouldn't discuss this matter with anyone; unless you are advised to do so by your lawyer.

Keep it to yourself, but share only with someone you trust implicitly. The fewer the people who know, the better off you'll be.

If you feel you need to confess to your parents, they are the only ones who deserve to know. Out of love, they will forgive you. They will be disappointed; as to be expected, whenever you do something irresponsible or wrong. There is no-one without sin or error. If you read your Bible, and you've been raised in a Christian home; I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm just reminding you.

I'll pray for your situation. I think it will all work-out, but you've got a lesson to learn; and then when it's over, you can put all this behind you when you're on the other side of it. Be at peace.

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