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How can my boyfriend love me when I think I can't keep up?

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Question - (16 June 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 17 June 2018)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend has quite a bit of intelligence, and I find it to be quite an attractive trait. All the same, a lot of his discussions and debates go over my head. When I see him talking with others who can carry the conversation, he always seems so happy and engaging. I always feel like I let him down when he talks about such stuff with me. I wish I could make him as happy as he is when talking with others.

I know he loves me, but how does he manage to put up with me when I can't even participate in something he loves?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018):

Has he complained about it? Has he suggested to you that you need to speak-up more; or show more knowledge about the things discussed in conversation?

It's better to listen intently and learn; than try to talk about things you know nothing about. People tend to like you better, when you're not a pretentious smart-ass know-it-all. There is a lot of value and likeability in just being down-to-earth. Let the others compete and impress each other. He comes home to you!

Everyone has their own set of special-interests; and show reasonable knowledge, or some impressive expertise on certain topics.

You shouldn't presume he has a problem with you; if he hasn't actually told you so. Everyone can' be intellectual, or cerebral in conversation. A lot of scholars I know can't wait to get away from stuffy snooty eggheads and geeks/nerds that are awkward and socially-challenged; yet can talk your ear-off on tech-stuff. It can sometimes bore you to tears!

Creating problems in your mind about attributes you assume your boyfriend wants in you, that you don't possess; or being worried about things you can't do. That is exactly how people conjure-up insecurities. Imagining what others MUST think! It will create unsubstantiated fears, make you self-conscious; or suffer concerns about things that don't exist. All due to over-thinking. That also creates rifts in your relationship. Watch that! Just be the best you can naturally be!

He picked you for his boyfriend, and not one of the others!

If he wants to discuss certain things you don't seem interested in; that's what a circle of like-minded friends are for. You can't be everything for him; nor can he be everything for you. You were chosen for being who you are.

That is because it's refreshing to be with someone down-to-earth; and somewhat different from yourself. It's fun to engage in lively-debate and engage in interesting conversations; but most of it is for the sake of being social, and showing-off a little bit.

I must say this. It is important for you to keep-up with events that are going on around you; because sometimes it effects your job, the economy, local politics, prices; and there may be public-warnings that you should be aware of. Don't count on your boyfriend to know everything; and don't put-down your own intellect. If it goes in one ear and out the other; so what? There's always Google!

One of the big problems with a lot of OP's that come to DC; is belittling, or under-rating, their own good-character and talents. Finding fault, or concerned, over things about themselves; that often-times makes them very special and unique. Even quite appealing to people. They are unaware; because they are too busy comparing themselves to others.

They are much too busy envying people; or trying to keep-up with others. When they should just get some education, do general-maintenance on their personality, and seek self-improvements. Improvements that keep us all well-rounded, well-informed, enlightened, and well-balanced in our thinking. Most importantly, to be good and kind individuals!

Work-on your known weaknesses, for your own sake; and don't place your boyfriend up on a pedestal. Setting high-expectations on others you love, forces them to try and meet them; because they think that's what you value them most for.

You may not match others when it comes to current-events, the latest books published, or the latest technology; but there are a lot of things about you that your boyfriend loves. What he prefers in a lover and a partner. Not just a clone or mirror-image of himself. If you're a compatible-couple, you're well-balanced and a good-match!

Never talk yourself down. That is why a lot of people are depressed, unhappy, and self-destructive. They convince themselves their weaknesses or faults are greater than they might be.

Too many folks undercut their self-value. That's not good for your self-esteem; and you'll start believing you're not that smart. You'll develop an inferiority-complex; and become just what you talk yourself down to. That's called self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect to fail at something; and by gosh, you will! There is nothing wrong with being humble, easy-going, and a delightful person to be around.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (16 June 2018):

TylerSage agony auntLots of people feel happy when they go fishing, or ride bikes, or read books, or play a game. Just because one thing or activity is delectable to them doesn't mean everything else in their lives is worthless and dismal.

If he's as smart as you say he would be smart enough to know whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with you. Men all over the world have spouses who hate sports but they get super happy when they meet up with friends to discuss predictions for the next game. He clearly loves you for other things, maybe your kindness, good looks, compassion, goals etc.

Don't sell yourself short when it comes to intelligence, but someone is always better at something else that another person. I read somewhere that smart people don't reproduce much, usually because they aren't easily understood, don't socialize as much and are flat out weird...or something like that. Everything has its pros and cons.

You were drawn to his intelligence and he was drawn to something special in you. Don't feel insecure about a smart man falling for you.

All the best.

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