A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:6 Months ago my husband and I lost our 1st child while I was giving birth to her. Ever since our sex life has not been the same. Any suggestions on what to do? Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Grief counseling will help, but it is a slow process.
Another resource is a local hospice agency bereavement support group. Although your circumstance will be different from say a spouse of 65 grieving their 70 year old spouses demise, going to these groups and talking about grief and loss can really be cathartic.
As one woman put it in a local group here "barfing it all out" really can help you feel better.
Both of you need time, be gentle with each other, talk openly and without shame about your feelings.
Remember, Life, not Death, and Love, not Fear, is the ultimate end of all things. Love each other every day of your life without fear.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Did you two have counseling for this? The death of a child is naturally traumatic. But the death of a fat stomach is even harder to deal with.
You knew the baby. He didn't. Just something that made you bloat up. But if he says this, then he isn't sensitive.
And no, I am not saying men don't feel anything about pregnancy but it is very different and this difference might be impossible to communicate without some 3rd person to sit between. To translate. To allow him to talk about HIS feelings without having to worry about YOURS. And vice versa of course.
I think the sex life is just a side-effect. There is more going on. Even if you managed to process what happened, did he? Might your own capacity to accept this and move past it have an effect on him, stopping him from griefing on his own terms?
These aren't issues some volunteers on the net can help with. A pro will know how to ask the right questions, to get the true feelings out of you and to help you two along the road to recovery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): First, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a child during childbirth. It is possible that he is still grieving (I know my husband and I both are and it has been 5 years since our tragic loss)... it is also possible he is afraid to get you pregnant for fear of something happening again. I agree that a counselor is a good idea. It is a very difficult thing to deal with. Best wishes and healing to you and your husband.
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A
female
reader, cheekyfriday  +, writes (10 November 2010):
You know what, you sound close even though you probably seem like you are far away right now. By that I mean you sound like you are a stong couple, especially to be asking yourself about this question.
Is it you or is it him, or is it both of you?
You are here to live, and sure things take time, but you I think are making the effort for it not to go on too long.
So, is the question you are asking as in how? Like, what if you made a date with each other to rekindle the relationship?
Is it that you are or aren't wanting to fall pregnant again that might be the underlying question? If you know your husband is scared right now, or you are, protection can always be a cure while you heal.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 I think that anyone would need some time and space after such a tragic event. My sister in law lost a baby in similar circumstances. I know that she had bereavement counselling and hypnotherapy which helped her a great deal. I think you should give yourself some more time before worrying about getting things back on track. However there is no reason why you shouldn't think about counselling to help you in the meantime.
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A
male
reader, grizz74 +, writes (10 November 2010):
firstly i am very sorry to read of your loss........one can never imagine gong through what you and your husband must be dealing with.
You must allow yourself to grieve properly and perhaps seeing a councellor would be a good idea as both of you getting out how you feel and think is an important part of the process. 6 months is still early days and eventually your sex life will return to normal so long as you remain open to your partner and he in return is open to you.
I wish you all the best
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