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He's sending me mixed signals. How should I proceed?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends with Benefits, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2016)
A age 36-40, * writes:

Hi Aunts and Uncles,

I am 25 and never been in a long term committed relationship. I always just focused on school and college and then my career, so i've been quite comfortable with being single, that is up until recently.

My close friends have started to get married and have kids, which has made me realise that I do actually want this too.

My current situation is that i've been seeing a guy for just over a year.

I started seeing him with the intention of seeing where it goes, but I was full certain that I would not have an FWB relationship with any guy, as they usually end in disaster. Somehow it seems that this is what the relationship is, without realising it because we never actually discussed it.

Now i've developed feelings for him and sometimes I think it's the same for him.

He offers to give me a ride to the supermarket, he's consistent with contact and meeting up every week, cooks for me, very affectionate, told me he's proud of me and that I'm smart. He is generally very thoughtful and caring and im never suspicious of him, there'should no drama.

He also asks questions about my family and friends even though we've never met each others family and friends. I don't know if it's because his close friends and family live abroad or he prefers it that way. But I feel as if he knows my family and friends and I know his.

The other day I had prepared myself to discuss this with him and suddenly after sex he says I don't know why women always have to complicate sex. Almost as if he knew I was going to bring the subject up.

I'm usually in control of my emotions and I'm really struggling to maintain a level head here.

If he doesn't want a relationship then this is fine but he is definitely sending out mixed signals. Some insight into this situation would be really helpful. Thanks for your time.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (30 May 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt His signals do not sound so mixed to me, I'd say he has been pretty clear : " why women always have to complicate sex ".

Then, it's about sex. It's a physical relationship- carried on in a friendly, relaxed, amiable way, nevertheless physical in essence and scope.

I think your confusion stems from a misconception ( very common on DC and this always baffles me ) that if it is a physical thing, an FWB, then it must exclude moments of camaraderie , affection, playfulness etc.- and common courtesy too.

Of course he is constant with contact and meeting up ! Don't tell me please that you would still, ahem, put out for him if he was erratic and unpredictable, and / or stood you up sort of regularly !

And there's no law that says you cannot be corteous and helpful to a woman you are going to bed with, and occasionally offer her a ride to the shops if she needs one.

He is a mellow, good natured guy- but from this to concluding that this is going in any particular direction.... uhm. It is going in the direction of HIS comfort level.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 May 2016):

Honeypie agony auntSeems like he wants the GF experience (and sex on tap) but not an ACTUAL relationship. Which means you are easily replaceable.

What you CAN do is TALK to him. Start by saying, I know in the beginning I was totally OK with a more casual thing between you and myself, but I have discovered that I WANT more. I understand you may not, and that is OK. If you don't then this will be the last time we hang out and talk, because I DO feel in order for me to fulfill MY wants, wishes and hopes I would need to get over you, and THAT would involve NO CONTACT.

There is NO need to beat around the bush here. The SOONER to find out if he is on board or NOT, the sooner you can either begin to move on from him or WITH him.

You two have had this thing for a WHOLE year. IT IS OK that you have changed your mind. And it IS OK if he has not. Find out where you stand. The sooner the better.

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