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He controls my life and treats me like something he scraped off his shoe, but I always come back!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2006) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2006)
A female , *oulabell writes:

Dear Cupid, I'm 18 years old and have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for two years. At the beginning of the relationship things were great but then about 10 months ago we split up as I decided to end the relationship as he started becoming quite possessive.

He constantly tried to get back with me after this and about 4 months ago we became a couple again..however since then, he has become in control of the relationship. I'm not allowed out clubbing or to the pub with my friends, and he doesn't like me having friends at all really, yet he goes round his mates house almost every night.

He is obbsessed with the way he looks and is convinced he is realy ugly (he isn't) and questions me about it constantly, this becomes very tiring. I'm not allowed to look at other guys and if I talk to them, even at work, I become a flirt.

As he believes he is so ugly, he thinks I will cheat, which is why I'm not allowed out clubbing. He tells me I lie about everything, I can't wear skirts or anything and he constantly tells me I'm a bitch and a slag when I won't do what he wants. When we arrange to meet it has to be at the time he says and when he says.

People tell me I should dump him but for some reason I find it impossible to do this, he dumps me almost every day knowing that I'll run back, and he just doesn't seem to care.

I feel like I'm being treated like shit and I can't seem to leave him. I just want things to go back to the way they were but I don't see how. He's just gone on holiday to Amsterdam with his best mate and I have a feeling he'll cheat. I find it so unfair that he can do whatever he wants and I cant, and if I do, he'll just dump me and I'll run back! Please help me, what should I do?

View related questions: at work, clubbing, flirt, on holiday, split up

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (1 August 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntDo nothing and stay in your relationship, unless you actually value your self-esteem.

You are one of those frustrating cases that torment the well-meaning agony aunts - myself included.

Aside from desperately wanted attention, what are you hoping to find here? Until you choose to help yourself you are beyond help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006):

Bev, Martini and Granny, and "people" have all advised you to get rid of this nasty, controlling, abusive piece of work!

DO IT!! Get rid of him "yesterday" as it were. In fact, as soon as you read these responses. Tell him you do not want to see or hear from him again, EVER. Tell him he is not to contact you under ANY circumstances. Do not accept threats or persuasion he might "offer" to hold onto you.

If you need help in dealing with this, get into counselling and/or a women's abuse support group. Because what he is doing is abusive. If necessary, get a police restraining order.

Change your phone to an unlisted number. Change your email address. If he shows up on your doorstep, do not open the door. Once you've told him not to contact you again, and that its over, if after that, he phones you, pick up the phone, don't say anything - EXCEPT, the VERY FIRST time he calls after you have told him not to, simply tell him "I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN. I MEANT IT THEN AND I MEAN IT NOW." Then, immediately HANG UP. Don't give him a chance to reply or argue with you. Why not? Because you've already made clear you're finished with him, and that is enough. You do not owe him any explanation or need to justify breaking with him. Even if he calls back 20 times, hang up every single time. Then change your phone number (if you haven't already done so).

Do you get the picture? You have to be hard as nails toward this bastard and absolutely refuse to have anything more to do with him.

NOW - GO DUMP HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL!

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A female reader, Granny +, writes (31 July 2006):

Granny agony auntGet out of this situation as soon as he gets back from Amsterdam, if not sooner. Bev and Martini have already given you the best advice. Use it, please! Respect yourself.

I too was in a similar relationship, just like Bev. You put up with it for years and after you get out, you question why you ever let it happen in the first place. A few years ago, I put in 16 hours voluntary work at an accident site. It was in the news, my pic was on the Internet etc etc. I was so tired when I got home I just collapsed on the sofa and slept. In the 3 hours I was out cold, he called my cell phone 43 times. When I got through to him - he knew where I had been by the way because I had been on TV, he still called me a whore for not being available for him on the phone. It took that to make me end it. Please don't let your life get that far. You are young and can find someone far, far than him. He is an idiot, a loser and a user. Get rid of him quickly, please.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

And may I add how frustrating this is! [sighing profusely]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

Leave the guy cuz he's rubbing his negativity on you, then when and if you finally have the strength to leave him in the future, this may have a huge negative effect on your future new relationships.

Think about it, what is there to run back to? He's the epitomy of a coward and bastard. You give the relationship too much hope. People like that don't change often. Look my 7th aunt and her husband. Has he changed? Yeah, for the worst. Over the last 19 years, he's taken advantage of the fact that my aunt has lower self-esteem, that she can't take care of herself, that her english isn't as good, that she isn't as educated. Always putting her down, saying how other women check him out, etc, etc, etc.

If you love that f... that bastard and love the abuse, then fine, stay. It seems to be your only focus in life. However, since you do recognize this negative aspect, LOOK INTO YOURSELF, and find your own strengths. What ARE YOU GOOD AT? What do YOU want to do in life? What are your fantasies, goals, and desires? CAN THAT BASTARD WHORE GIVE YOU ANY OF THAT? Don't give him the benefit of the doubt. Why would you? Cuz you mistake love for what you're lacking in yourself?

Reaffirm yourself with your friends - the ones that actually care. Go to your parents, build on that relationship. Find your own strengths, and build and expand from that. HOWEVER, you MUST rid that piece of crap from your life.

ONLY and obviously, YOU CAN make things happen.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (31 July 2006):

Bev Conolly agony auntWow. Your letter reads like a case study in verbal abuse. Not to make fun of you or anything, but it's almost cliche how your boyfriend sticks to the abuser's "script"!

Hon, I've played this game, so I know what I'm talking about. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for seven years. It turned into physical abuse later and it took me a long time to heal and see why I was drawn into it. Please read my answer and think about it.

This man doesn't love you. He'll never love you. You don't love him.

The dynamic is actually that he *controls* you, which gives him power, and that makes him happy. You've become used to being controlled, which he's telling you is his "love" and "concern", sop his verbal abuse ('you're a slag', 'you lie', 'you're going to cheat') has made you come to feel undeserving of real love, so you keep running back to his abuse.

To show you that you're not alone, and that, in fact, this person is following the well-worn track of an abuser, please read this snip from hiddenhurt.co.uk:

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Jealousy

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems

Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

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Do you see your relationship in those words? I do.

There's lots more about abusive relationships and getting help. You can read the rest of the article here:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

Please, please, know that you don't deserve the crap that this guy is dishing out. He really doesn't love or care for you. If it wasn't you, he'd happily control any other woman on the street. That's all he craves. As soon as you figure that out for yourself, you'll understand that you can walk away and save your sanity.

Good luck. Be strong.

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