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He cheated with her! Should I expect him to completely cut her out?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 May 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *aieve1 writes:

I was cheated on last summer (so, about a year ago). Surprise surprise, right? Basically this girl is a complete slut, she had a boyfriend at the time she did this AND she knew about me too! They got close over a summer class, flirted w/ each other, which lead to the physical cheating where no alcohol was involved. So, absolutely no excuse. I hate her guts.

I suspected him of cheating which made him confess it. Long story short, he expressed all his regret and I forgave him, so it's working out now. I guess.

...For a couple months after he claims that he cut off all contact w/ her and he told me that he wouldn't even say "hi" to her even if they crossed the same paths in school. So everything was dandy. But, I caught him chatting w/ her on FaceBook about 2 months ago, and the way they were talking ticked me off. He didn't know that I snooped (which is RARE b/c I wanted to "test the waters" and see if things aren't just going well up front), but I implied that I'd hate it if he were still talking to her and we got into a fight. He did kind of make a good point, "It's not like I'm talking to her everyday." --Ha, I don't even think that's a good reason anymore.

Any who, here's my question: Should I expect him to COMPLETELY cut her out? Delete her number, FaceBook, etc? ...I'm so stupid that I didn't make him do this earlier. I thought that he would do this on his own! It just sounds bad that I'd have to FORCE him to do that to save our relationship, it makes me seem so weak or threatened. and I actually believed in trust and seeing the good in people, specifically this person.

...Silly me.

It just makes it a lot harder b/c things are actually going well between us. But it may just be that I didn't see what was behind closed doors. So, it's hard to just talk about this out of the blue. and I don't want to be controlling or insecure. I don't know! Should I just not say anything since nothing bad happened (up front and not behind my back)?

View related questions: facebook, flirt, insecure

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (30 May 2010):

You say this:

Can we sit down and talk about something? It's really been upsetting me that you are in contact with the girl you cheated on me with.

I have forgiven you but it brings up all the hurt that you said you would cut contact and now she's back in your life again.

I think that I need you to cut contact with her. You chose me over her so you need to keep that promise.

Say it calmly and normally. If he over reacts, ignores you, or gets arsey about it then stay perfectly calm and tell him that you are serious. It's her or you.

Are you prepared to walk away from the relationship if he doesn't put you first? I think you should be.

Good luck!! xx

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A female reader, naieve1 United States +, writes (30 May 2010):

naieve1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

naieve1 agony auntHi everyone,

Don't worry, I haven't focused all my hate on that girl it was all on him too. Thanks for clarifying this with me. I just thought that I was being too demanding, or that it was too late to bring it up.

I guess I just have to work on my timing now...I keep thinking that I have to wait for something BAD to happen, b/c I think that bringing this up out of the blue would be SO awkward. I'd be all, "Oh, by the way, let me check your phone and facebook to make sure you have no contact with her." I don't know how to bring it up, that's why I feel I need to spark an argument w/ him or something...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

Well.... Knowing I have a facebook,I have a lot of friends who are girls. I like talking to them even if I'm not in a relationship with them. Just ask him these few questions if you haven't already done so.

Do you really want to be with me?

No: leave him

Yes: continue

Have you cut off all contact with this person?

No: go thru phone, facebook, etc. And delete

Yes: make sure ad go thru phone ad facebook, etc.

What would you do to have me in your relationships?

Nothing: leave, this shows no affection whatsoever

Something: ask what it is

Any thing else you want to get off your chest?

If you have stuck through this long, ask this and make sure he is compassionate about his decision to be with you.

That's all I can think of. Ask simple questions and you will get an answer that will help you with your relationship.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (28 May 2010):

person12345 agony auntI think you should get out before he does it again. Clearly he has no respect for boundaries and obviously doesn't understand that what he did was wrong. When he cheated it doesn't even sound like the kind of thing that should be forgivable. I think you're hating the wrong person here. Yes she may have been trying to seduce him, but he let himself be seduced. This was premeditated, planned, and probably happened repeatedly. I don't think he truly feels bad at all, I think he just feels bad that he got caught. There are lots of nice guys out there, but he doesn't sound like one of them.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (28 May 2010):

Damn right he should cut contact.

Tell her you forgave him for cheating because he said he wanted you and not her.

So tell him if he doesn't cut her out, then it's over.

Once someone physically cheats on you, they are on borrowed time. You either make the changes, get forgiven and both move on, or you end it. He can't have it both ways.

Good Luck!! xx

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