A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Good morningThis is such a neat site and I get answers from around the world which is cool. My issue involves a ten year old friendship. I have had bumps in the road with this friendship in the past but we have worked it out but as of late the cracks seem more obvious and what I once overlooked seem unacceptable now. Things came to a head yesterday. My friend and I had a fun road trip planned for this weekend and we were both looking forward to it. She is a friendly person but lately I have noted a need she has for control and she will often suggest things that are in my best interests or so she says. She called a couple of days to suggest and alternate route for our trip to make it easier for me but I told her I was fine as things were. She cannot drive for health reasons. As I kept repeating that I was fine with the arrangements she talked over me and then ended the phone call in a huff telling me that I was the driver after all....I remember thinking that I was forking out for a nice rental car for the weekend to spend time with someone with this attitude. Now she may have genuinely wanted to help but her approach seemed unpleasant to me.Skip to yesterday and I called to confirm if she still wanted to go. I mentioned in the text that things had seemed pretty heavy yesterday. I got nothing back from her but question marks and again she implied that I was being totally unreasonble to even query anything. Denial and deflection. I called her and she asked if I was ok...and for the first time in ten years I asked if she was ok...that she seemed a little anxious...she went ballistic and hung up on me. This was followed by a text explaining how difficult I was being. I told her she had crossed a line and that I will not and cannot accept such treatment and that her behaviour seems narcissistic.She brings many fairly good things to the table as a friend but also brings subtle put downs, and a complete inability to say she may have contributed to a situation...always my fault...fond of her as I am I really have no interest in being abused like this. We are not kids but middle aged...dont need this drama.My questions are:Has anyone else had a similar situation and how did you handle itHer actions here indicate that she really does not hold me in high regard. She will not change. Is it time to end this ten year friendship for my own dignity.We were scheduled to head out on the trip today. I canceled the rental car and have no desire to talk to her...at all.
View related questions:
no desire, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (23 July 2017):
 I think you're right about the narcissism. If she can't drive and her health is impeding her ability to do other things then she may be trying to recoup some of the control she doesn't have there in other ways. Unhealthy ways.
My suggestion is to stop trying to reason with her and withdraw from the argument, like you've done. Notice that when she doesn't hear from you, she seeks you out. So do that. Even an otherwise reasonable person will dig their heels in when someone tries too hard to convince them of something.
She needs you more than you need her and she knows it which gives you the advantage. As soon as she becomes overbearing or crosses the line in any way, you back off and don't contact her. Reward only the good behaviour.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 Perhaps she was upset about not being included in the planning of the trip. She might have liked to be asked about the itinerary and route. It sounds like you did all the planning.
You need to think about whether this friendship is something you want to maintain or discard. There is probably a middle way here if you can find it.
...............................
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 This to me is like been told about a fight you had with someone, and as I am only getting one side of the story I find myself asking what would be her side of the story,
I would say to forget about the story as you said you don't need the drama and I think she does not need it,
I think you did the right thing in canceling the rental car and I think as you now don't wish to ever talk to her she is not the right person to have as a friend in the time to come,
She may have a lot of things to bring to the table as a friend but what good is it if there is going to be lots of drama, and I am not taking sides here you are just not made for each other that is all
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): She does sound narcissistic / possessed by a mean monster. You were trying to be fair and give her the benefit of the doubt, in return you got slammed down.
Not nice and quite unfriendly. She does sound out of control and friends should be able to talk and sort and not scream and holler and hurt you by being unreasonable. You feel you don't want to speak to her for a reason. She has now made herself look bad in your eyes. A fault on her part I believe!
You said you don't need the drama, so you have answered your own question.
Have you another friend you could take on your road trip, or maybe take a leap of faith and go by yourself? You are the greatest friend you'll ever have, after all .
...............................
|
