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Four months of dating and he's giving me mixed signals

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello uncle and auntie's,

I have posted a concern before regarding my four-month relationship with this guy. This guy and I have been together for four months and everything was going well it's just that he has and ask me to be his girlfriend.

For the past four months I have been going to his apartment at least 4 to 5 times per week the second day that we got together he gave me a key to his house, toothbrush and a towel.

In the span of four months I got to do his laundry cleaning his house do this chores by him groceries and gifts and go out with him to places have never been to. He is taking me to meet his family friends taken a horseback riding and many more.

Everything was going well but we have fought a few times regarding this commitment issue. He hasn't had a girlfriend for a very long time more than seven years and he told me that he's very scared of commitment like for example he doesn't pay for car he buys, the only thing that he pays for is his apartment that's it..

He told me that there is no need to put labels on a relationship the second he stopped seeing girls other girls is when he got committed to me which was true because I knew that he stop seeing girls. With in those four months I even thought that we were moving too fast but I was perfectly fine with it.

Four days ago we had a fight I found out that I had ALl which means acute lymphoblastic leukemia two years ago and I'm just now telling him after four months. I told him what I knew about the disease and it was achievement plan and everything but he got really upset he was very upset to the point that he told me that he had he started falling for me. He said he didn't love me but he really cares for me.

He told me that the night but I told him about my illness he couldn't go to sleep and had cry himself to go to sleep. And the following morning when he was at work he's eyes got teary. Since then I haven't felt like we were the same I felt like he was angry distant with me and just sad. About a few times during our relationship he had asked me to lick slow down with the relationship because he felt like it was moving too fast.

Four days ago we had a fight and it was a big one. You told me that he's not over but he still very shocked that he needed space I called him on his cell phone the following night asking why he need space from me. I told him that I was scared that this illness is breaking us.

He hasn't called me for a few days now and I'm very scared that he's never ever going to call me. And I'm very scared that this is going to go on with his life not talking to me anymore I don't want to call him because I don't want to be pushed away again. What should I do in this situation this is breaking my heart. I feel like if someone really cares enough about me they would want to be here with me this type of situation.

I'm very confused because the last time I spoke with him he told me he care so much about me he is never cared for someone this much and he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him at the same time he was telling me that I was spending too much time with him that it was too much that he felt like we were living together already because when he gets off work I'm the first one he sees when he leaves for work I'm the last one he sees.

I'm just very confused because I feel like he's giving me mixed-signal's I don't know what to think I have fallen for this guy and he just left me hanging and I don't know what to think can you please help me understand what is going on in my life right now.

View related questions: at work, hasn't called

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

02DuszJ agony auntI'm sorry but holding back your leukaemia for four months... He's gonna be having all kinds of doubts, thinking you're not at ease with each other as much as he thought, he probably knew that you were worried it was gunna scare him off? So it likely shook up what he thought was a strong foundation, (let's not forget this is only four months) and made him back off ... It's a big thing to withhold from someone.

You have rushed into this and got romanticising this very new relationship- you really don't KNOW each other THAT well, I'm sorry not in four months. Remember he has still got that whole commitment issue and isn't in love with you- people can be so cold and heartless, selfish and may have decided that he wants t forget things with you, and not give you a proper explanation. He could be this person, you don't know...

You need to calm down, and honestly strap on your big girl boots, and prepare yourself to deal with reality, be honest and direct in relationships- this takes emotional maturity and strength. I agree with wise owl that I don't think you're ready.

My advice- send him a message that you're extremely sorry for not being honest with him about your disease and explain your reasons. Furthermore that although you care a lot for him, you don't feel you can handle a relationship ATM.

If he's worth it he'll understand. I'm so sorry about the disease you have, really... I just think whatever you feel for someone, if you're not secure in yourself any relationship will just be a train wreck. Talk to any friends/ family about ANYTHING you need emotional support with. Honest communication is key to everything.

I wish you well, take care of yourself, and don't get yourself in a tizz! Remember he could still call you, and it's POINTLESS to make assumptions, jump to conclusions and catastrophize... If that's a word lol.

Good luck x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2014):

How did you happen to forget that you were diagnosed with leukemia? I do believe you were withholding that information with the fear it would make a difference to him. My dear, you don't do things like that to people!

It takes time for a person to decide to commit, and you didn't have to cook or clean if you didn't want to. If you want someone to commit to you, you don't fight with them about it. You are quite young, but you really don't make any sense, I must tell you.

You gave him a shock, and he was at best going through a trial relationship before he made a decision. You didn't handle it well at all. I think there was a fair amount of sharing going on. It wasn't like he was taking advantage of you. I tell people over and over and is best when you take your time and allow relationships to grow gradually. You get to know a person, their quirks, and you establish trust. If he was delayed putting a label on it, he didn't delay being good to you!

I will attribute only so much to your youth, then there is a point when you just have to use common-sense and be considerate. You have to show some maturity; and personally, I don't think you're ready. You want people to come to you willingly, and when they're ready too. You weren't getting mixed signals, he didn't put a label on it fast enough for you. Don't give up hope just yet.

I want you to relax. You don't know anything yet. Give him as much time as he needs to wrap his head around things.

Keep yourself busy, and try to show some maturity. Relationships are for grown-ups; so you have to keep it together when things get shaky.

If he decides to move on, it's not the end of the world. He wasn't giving you mixed signals. He was giving you clues as time progressed. I don't really care what anyone else has to say to that.

People go from A to Z in a flash, and don't know a darned thing about each other. He was giving things time to grow; because his experience has taught him not to rush into things. You shouldn't be unsure when you commit yourself to a person. Your mind should be made up when you decide to be monogamous.

If it's over, then you'll have to accept that. I don't really feel that it is.

I think you hit him with a ton of bricks. You deliberately withheld information about your health that he should have been told. You were pushy and impatient to top that all off.

Give him a chance to run it all through his head. He'll let you know if it's really over. It isn't over unless he says so. So no news is good news at this point. He just doesn't really know what to say yet. Be patient, my dear girl!

That will be hard, but you have little choice.

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